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Please help me with relationship advice

(13 Posts)
Becki75 Tue 17-Nov-15 17:09:29

Hello. I am new to here but i really need some advice. Ive been through a lot this year in my personal life which is probably irrelevant but throughout the last few months i have developed a friendship with an old friend. We have been messaging one another every day for months and for around 5 months now he has never missed a day getting in touch and he has never gone to sleep without wishing me goodnight with kisses. Nothing sexual was said. As probably was inevitable i developed feelings for him. He regularly visits my home, lends me things, gives me advice and over the last few months has been a huge support to me both practically and emotionally. He has brought his teenage son to my house when he has been dropping things off. He calls round even in the pouring rain for a cuppa.
On friday night i went out for a few drinks with friends and had too many. When i got home, i messaged him to tell him i was home as i usually would. The conversation developed and i ended up blurting out that i had feelings for him. He said he would come round immediately and came straight here. I have a hazy recollection of much of it but i know we kissed and as we went for it a second time he told me he had a girlfriend.
I just cannot believe it. I am so shocked. He says he should have told me and i believe he is sorry. He says he is devastated, not eating or sleeping etc and had no idea i had these feelings and he is sorry he has hurt me. How can he say that when he has been in touch with me every day. We are so close, really close. He's become one of my best friends and i can't believe he has lied. I would never have developed feelings like this if i had known he had a partner. By not telling me he has taken that choice away. He says he doesn't want to lose me and that he wants to keep spending time with me. I don't want to lose him but i don't know what to do. He has been so kind to me, Why would he be in constant touch with me if all he felt was platonic friendship. He messages me every single day and night. I feel i need an explanation but he just says he has misread the situation. This has been going on for 6 months. I am shocked and devastated. Do i retain him as a friend? I really don't know where to go from here. I truly believe he is as devastated as I am and that he does care about me. I'm just so confused and hurt

Becki75 Tue 17-Nov-15 17:14:10

I can't picture my life without him in it, I'm just so sad. It would be better if he just admitted he has feelings and he has made a mistake and let it go too far but he won't. The only responsibility he accepts is for not telling me about her. I just don't understand when he sees her because he always tells me where he is and what he is doing.

RatherBeRiding Tue 17-Nov-15 17:15:40

Not at all sure what is going on here but the first thing that sprang to mind reading your post was, what kind of "close friend" omits to tell you that they have a girlfriend? I wonder if his girlfriend knows he is spending so much time and emotional energy with you?

I would want a very clear explanation of why he's not been honest with you, at the very least and take it from there.

Sorry you've had such a nasty shock. sad

Becki75 Tue 17-Nov-15 17:17:56

I don't know anything about her. I don't think they live together but I don't know. I just don't know what he thinks he's been doing. We are not teenagers, we are both in our 40s

kerbs Tue 17-Nov-15 17:19:02

That's seriously weird OP, why on earth did he come straight round and kiss you if he has a partner?

None of this makes sense, he's been very devious.

Jan45 Tue 17-Nov-15 17:19:18

So he fancied having you as a secret friend then and I think he's ran scared when you actually put the moves on him.

Sorry but he's not a very nice person to do that to either you, or his girlfriend.

Or, there is no g/f and he's said that to put you off cos he really doesn't see you as anything other than a friend.

Becki75 Tue 17-Nov-15 17:23:12

It makes no sense at all. You say he's not a nice person but genuinely over the last few months he has been one of the nicest kindest people i have ever met, That's why i am so shocked. I am quite sure (hazily) that i made the first move with the kissing but he kissed me back. And as you say why on earth did he spring out of the house at gone midnight to come here when he could have told me by text. Its so confusing

BitOutOfPractice Tue 17-Nov-15 17:27:42

Oh OP how devestatingly hurtful for you.

He's not the man you thought he was is he?

Becki75 Tue 17-Nov-15 17:29:09

No he's not is he? I'm questioning everything, maybe i got it wrong but I don't think i did

Sounds like he fancies having you as the other woman. Or just gets a thrill out of knowing you want him. He's messing you about, whatever.

Suddenlyseymour Tue 17-Nov-15 17:48:36

Sorry OP, but it's like he's groomed you - made himself indispensable to you, made you emotionally dependant / attached to him, and as soon as you confess further feelings he's there in an instant? It's massively dishonest and manipulative at best; like he's seen you have been vulnerable and has exploited it. Be very very careful here.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Tue 17-Nov-15 17:53:17

Just imagine that if you were in a relationship with him he's the kind of guy who would have an intense 'platonic' friendship with another woman without telling her about you too.

Sounds to me like he was keeping you on the back burner and seeing how things worked with her. When you forced the issue by declaring your feelings he got straight in there, but by telling you now that he isn't single he's obviously hoping you're close enough that you'll settle for that and he can feel like he's been honest with at least one of you.

Cut your losses, he's no friend to your or his girlfriend.

Becki75 Tue 17-Nov-15 17:56:26

He was here in an instant but he told me as soon as things happened. Ive known him a very long time distantly and I know his ex wife fairly well (we have mutual friends). My friends that have known him better for longer than me never have anything but nice things to say about him. I don't think he has groomed me. Ive supported him too as he's had a tricky few months. I am an independent woman with a good career so he has never become indispensable to me, he has been a support and a friend. He has taken an interest in my job, friends, family etc. Its just all horrible. I can't seem to pull myself together just at the moment. He's been checking in online (where we talk) all day and i know he's waiting to hear from me but I don't know what to say. I just miss him so much

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