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Please help me understand and get over my guilt

(18 Posts)
guiltybutwhy Tue 17-Nov-15 16:49:02

I was married for 34 years and have been separated since January. I have started seeing someone casually who I really like but I am sneaking about like a guilty school girl! I am terrified my ex or my DC's (both over 25!) will find out.
Also I think it is making it worse as the guy is 14 years younger than me.
Is it usual to feel like this I feel sick to my stomach at times with guilt

Candlelight30 Tue 17-Nov-15 16:59:14

Are you still in love with your ex?

Is it that you were, subconsciously maybe, thinking you could always reconcile, but if he finds out there will be no going back?

ALaughAMinute Tue 17-Nov-15 17:00:19

Can you explain why you feel guilty? Your children would probably be pleased for you and as for your ex, why do you care what he thinks?

I think you should just enjoy! smile

Rhubarbarian Tue 17-Nov-15 17:01:39

I think you probably feel guilty because you were married for such a long time and (I'm assuming) you didn't do this during your marriage. After such a long marriage it will feel strange to you to be seeing someone else.

Enjoy yourself smile

guiltybutwhy Tue 17-Nov-15 17:17:02

No I am not in love with him he killed my love. I am still concerned about his feelings though because thats just the sort of person I am.
I would never reconcile...ever!
And I was faithful through out our marriage

guiltybutwhy Tue 17-Nov-15 17:21:39

Alaugh my children will find it hard to accept me seeing someone I know that

Rhubarbarian Tue 17-Nov-15 17:22:33

You're doing nothing wrong OP! You're entitled to be happy. It sounds like you're being very generous to consider his feelings if he killed your love.

I hope you and your new man will have some very happy times flowers

guiltybutwhy Tue 17-Nov-15 17:26:52

Thanks Rhubarb it makes it worse as ex is constantly texting saying how he has changed and worships me etc, etc so he is keeping a connection between us that really isnt there in my mind but keeps him in my head iyswim?

KeepOnMoving1 Tue 17-Nov-15 17:31:17

You have given 34 years of your life to your ex and kids, it's your time now to live the way you want. It's just that you have known one way for so long that you feel 'wrong' doing something different. But your kids are adults now, your ex didn't try to work it out while you were in the marriage, you have no reason to 'owe' them more of you.
Embrace this new phase, you deserve it flowers

FantasticButtocks Tue 17-Nov-15 17:32:25

Tell ex to stop! If your DCs are over 25, you don't need any contact with your ex at all. His 'worshipping' messages are not helpful to you, so get them stopped right now.

Life can be short and now is the time to enjoy it. If your DCs give you a hard time, calmly explain that you are entitled to a love life every bit as much as they are.

guiltybutwhy Tue 17-Nov-15 17:38:25

Thanks so much Fantastic and Keepon just the kind of advice I need. Its bizarre but I feel I need everyones permission!

RandomMess Tue 17-Nov-15 17:38:32

Block your ex's number, it's over whether he wants it to be or not. You are free to start a relationship - tough on him that he has tried too little way too late.

guiltybutwhy Tue 17-Nov-15 17:41:21

You are right random I warned him a million times he was losing me but he never believed it.

FantasticButtocks Tue 17-Nov-15 17:55:01

Yes, block his number if you feel he wouldn't respect a request to stop sending these messages. You do not need to know what he is feeling or thinking on any given day for goodness sake. He might think you need to hear all his guff, but he is wrong. You don't. His messages are holding you back. Do NOT read any more of them. He has lost you. You need to move on.

I hereby give you my permission to bloody well enjoy your life and stop wasting your own time with utterly pointless guilt. Hope that helps grin

guiltybutwhy Tue 17-Nov-15 18:01:33

Thanks Fantastic that made me laugh so much! I am seeing the other guy shortly so will try and enjoy it without looking over my shoulder!

Sighing Tue 17-Nov-15 18:29:25

He's NOT "the other guy" he's someone you're dating. You're single, beholden to neither your ex nor DC's. Go, enjoy yourself.

guiltybutwhy Tue 17-Nov-15 20:02:28

Thanks sighing makes sense what you said

FantasticButtocks Tue 17-Nov-15 20:21:38

Excellent! grin

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