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Christmas and little family contact

(15 Posts)
bananamilkshake1 Tue 17-Nov-15 16:19:33

I am feeling a bit sad about Christmas at the moment and was wondering what others in my position might do.

I have a long term DP and neither of us have children. My mother is currently estranged from me (totally her doing) so I have no idea whether to even buy presents, let alone whether I want to see her. Given I am NC with father (have been for years), there's no room at the Christmas "table" for me & DP this year. It's always been a bit awkward - DBro has mother & her husband Xmas Day, then father on Boxing Day each year - and alternate days each year. Usually, DP & I see them on "mother's" day but given current situation with mother, I am left out.

I realise that given I'm the one who isn't local and that fact I don't have children - I've never been priority at Christmas. I have had an exceptional year where I've had cancer and major surgery, so I feel a bit peeved/sad that DBro isn't giving me any priority over mother or father. I realise I might sound a bit self absorbed and that these "traditions" have been going on for years, but AIBU re DBro? I realise it's awkward for him but I just don't feel very cared about by any of them tbh. Should I speak to DBro & tell him how I'm feeling or just accept he doesn't want to upset either parent?

Meanwhile, it feels like a very lonely Christmas staring my & DP in the face - he has no family at all. I'm normally a positive person, but admit I'm struggling with this today.


scarlets Tue 17-Nov-15 17:39:47

So sorry. I hope you're well now.

Could you book a week's holiday, or do you/DP have to work over Chritsmas?

Or what about volunteering for Shelter?

I'd keep clear of your parents tbh. You're estranged for a reason, and December 25th doesn't miraculously alter that. Maybe you could see your brother the weekend before, for a nice lunch.

Laodicean Wed 18-Nov-15 00:11:08

Some of the very best Christmases DH and I have had is the ones just the two of us, because of family circumstances. We lazed about, took the dog out, made exactly what we fancied to eat, had a lovely time.

I would suggest being grateful to be spared a "duty" Christmas where you have to see people you don't really like, even if they are family, and planning a relaxing and possibly even indulgent time - sounds like you need it after your year.

April2013 Wed 18-Nov-15 03:09:05

I understand your sadness about it, as you say maybe he is feeling too awkward about it to rock the boat, he might even be envious that you don't have these obligations, he might not have thought too much about it yet, or he might feel stuck as to what to do. Maybe you could suggest some ideas to him about you spending time together over xmas and see what his response is initially, maybe invite him Xmas eve? or some other xmas activity his kids might like? Personally I agree with Laodician though, this year is the first year in forever I might have a quiet Xmas due to me going NC with in-laws and my family having their own plans with their partners, all I have ever wanted at Xmas is to watch TV and slob around and eat what I want without the inevitable family drama, I think the last time that happened was in the early 80s. Maybe you could start trying to inspire yourself with Xmas radio times and choosing what food you'd like, or even look at going away.

pallasathena Wed 18-Nov-15 19:14:54

At least you have someone to share Christmas with. Think of all the people around the country who don't have anyone at all. One of my neighbours is a lady in her eighties and she has no-one at all but the Salvation Army will collect her Christmas morning and she'll spend the day in a community centre with others in a similar situation. Count your blessings. There are many individuals who won't see a soul from the start of the holidays to the end.

Rebecca2014 Wed 18-Nov-15 19:50:27

Hmm many people don't have anyone to spend Christmas with so many you should be counting your blessings you have a partner to share it with.

PhoenixReisling Wed 18-Nov-15 20:07:22

I'm virtually NC with my family, this time of year can be tough especially as you are inundated with adverts depicting happy families. You have been through a lot so you need to be gentle with yourself first and foremost. You could invite DBRo to meet up...maybe at your place/restaurant, would this be an idea? Also, you could plan something nice for you and DP or like others have said volunteer somewhere.

pallas and rebecca really hmm?

kerbs Wed 18-Nov-15 20:14:22

Never got the point of "count your blessings" remarks on a thread, sounds a bit sanctimonious, especially to someone dealing with cancer.

Imbroglio Wed 18-Nov-15 20:15:23

I understand. I've come to love Christmases when I'm free to do what I want, but it does sometimes make me feel sad when I remember jolly family do's as a child and when the kids were small.

Find something you would both like to do and enjoy the opportunity to just indulge yourselves - a long walk on the beach followed by a good dinner and ridiculously overpriced wine, or volunteer somewhere together.

MadeMan Wed 18-Nov-15 20:21:16

Christmas day marks the end of Christmas and the beginning of the sales, plus the new horse magazines and spanish holiday adverts on telly.

kerbs Wed 18-Nov-15 20:27:14

A friend of mine and her DH drove to the coast one Christmas. They had a barbeque on the beach and lots of Christmas day walkers stopped for a chat and a cuppa. She said it was one of her favourite Christmases ever.

pocketsaviour Wed 18-Nov-15 20:27:17

You must be feeling pretty sad and low, especially with what you've had to deal with this year.

Any possibility you and your DP could book a break over Xmas - country cottage for a few days, hotel in a large (or just different) city where there will be things to do and see?

I think you have to accept that your brother has made the choice to prioritise his parents over his sister. It's sad, and painful for you, and yes it is unfair, but it sounds like he is very invested in keeping his place in favour with them. I'm sorry flowers

venusinscorpio Wed 18-Nov-15 22:34:33

If you can go away I definitely would. I think a change of scenery with your DH would be nice, even if just a cottage or turkey and tinsel trip in the UK.

And pallas, perhaps you should invite your elderly neighbour to yours for Christmas, seeing as you're so full of the milk of human kindness.

springydaffs Wed 18-Nov-15 22:55:43

Similar situ (plus cancer this year!) and i'd say you are DEFINITELY not being self-absorbed! Bloody hell, all this family shit can really hurt flowers

Cancer this year has made me feel really vulnerable, abandoned, sad, unloved. So give yourself a break! Ime of no/scant family (the scant being shitty as per) it has taken a while to get used to it. I've been volunteering at a homeless shelter at Christmas for about 3 years and I adore it, really look forward to it. Apart from anything else, it is a relief to spend time with people who know all about shit families...

I know it's a cliché but all the hype really is hype. Yes I have to grit my teeth sometimes but I'm much more used to it as time has gone by. I genuinely enjoy myself - actually, luxuriate. It is only a day. I get stocked up on favourites. If i can be botheredi remember the hellish times i had with my family and thank my lucky stars i will never have to endure that again.

But I don't want to minimise. It does hurt, especially at the beginning flowers

Nanny0gg Thu 19-Nov-15 00:06:36

Can you go away?

Or do something totally different and un-Christmassy? Get in your favourite food/films, wear PJs all day or find somewhere lovely to go for a walk (some pubs are open lunchtimes)

Anything but what you would usually expect to do.

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