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First date?

(21 Posts)
Doughnutsandflapjacks33 Mon 16-Nov-15 20:58:32

What's your ideal first date?

I hate dating but it seems to be something that needs to be done to find 'the one', I have been on a few dates and get really nervous before hand, it seems to get worse each time, usually I just go for a drink or a nice walk (in the summer ), most the guys I have been out with have not been true gentlemen, I have never been out for a meal or a romantic picnic grin.

So, I have been chatting to someone and they have asked me out on a date this weekend, they want to take me for a meal and then a walk along the beach ( if it's not raining ), I am ok with the walk but I struggle with eating in front of people that I don't know very well, I would rather have a drink and then a walk. I am now extra nervous. This dating stuff is really scary sad, chances are I will chicken out.

Should I just say 'I will go for a drink but not food' or will he think I am really weird for not wanting to eat? He said he wants it to be a proper date hmm, if that's the case then I have never been on a proper date.

ThePonyFormerlyKnownAsTony Mon 16-Nov-15 22:37:48

I think a meal is quite good on a date as it gives you something to talk about if there's nothing else or if nerves take over.

That said, you should be as comfortable as possible so if you'd rather just go for a drink, tell him that.

A drink and a walk is just as much a date as a meal.

Good luck smile

hawleybits Mon 16-Nov-15 22:40:37

Ah, Doughnuts I agree, eating with a perfect stranger is weird and adds another layer of stress. Can't you make it lighthearted and suggest just a drink and maybe a meal, if and when you have a second date?

On a different note, I wouldn't want anyone investing in me like that on a first date - imagine he's not to your liking? grin

Phoenixx Tue 17-Nov-15 11:17:33

Dull as it sounds I would only ever do something short and sweet the first time meeting someone, coffee or maybe lunch. In the early days when I was new to internet dating I had too many cringe first dates with people who I really wasn't suited to, in spite of a nice rapport messaging. Keep it simple and save the romance for later when you know you actually like each other.

Doughnutsandflapjacks33 Tue 17-Nov-15 13:56:10

I agree Phoenixx, I think I am going try and persuade him to just go for a drink in a quiet pub and maybe a bowl of chips if he's hungry.

I know I won't be able to eat as I will be too nervous.

Seeyounearertime Tue 17-Nov-15 16:08:34

Coffee and cake in Gregg's. What can I say? I'm a cheap date, iced bun and im anyone's. grin

Mrskeats Tue 17-Nov-15 16:21:25

I think that having a meal on a first date is risky because you are potentially there for a few hours and it's awkward if you don't particularly hit it off. I also agree it can be a bit weird eating in front of a stranger
The drink is a better idea imo, you can always eat later if it goes well

Yseulte Tue 17-Nov-15 20:33:18

That's quite a common fear in people who have social anxiety.

I would say it's worth trying to conquer to make your life easier. Though not necessarily this weekend.

HustleRussell Tue 17-Nov-15 21:03:18

You don't eat in front of people you don't know? Is it for fear of dropping it down your front? Or getting food in your teeth? I am intrigued.

Doughnutsandflapjacks33 Tue 17-Nov-15 21:08:21

I think it stems from my family taking the piss out of me as a child for being a messy eater sad it made me very paranoid about people watching me eat. I just feel physical sick when put in a situation where I have people (strangers ) watching me eat, the thought of someone sat opposite me whilst I eat makes me really anxious.

Yseulte Wed 18-Nov-15 09:14:38

Eating fears and social anxiety disorder

Zippingupmyboots Wed 18-Nov-15 09:24:48

No way would I go for a meal with someone I have never met before.

Sometimes you know within two seconds that you are not attracted to someone. Once I knew by driving past. Imagine then having to spend a few hours talking politely and waiting for a meal. No thanks. Quick coffee and I'm off.

You're not weird just sensible.

And don't bother thinking of something romantic. I couldn't think of anything worse with most people.

SocialLeopard Wed 18-Nov-15 10:38:05

I used to suffer quite badly with social anxiety but I am ok now and very outgoing. However, I have never been on a date. I've had several relationships including a 20yr marriage and never been to dinner (or lunch) with a man. I honestly didn't know until I was about 30 that people went on dates, I thought it was an American thing. So I have built up a kind of mental block about it. I wouldn't know what to wear or anything, or the sort of restaurant to go to.

I have now met someone and I am bloody terrified. I have been for coffee with him and even that was really awkward for me. Not awkward in terms of feeling uncomfortable with him but awkward in terms of paying etc. I keep suggesting walks etc which is good because we are both very outdoorsy people but the weather is dreadful at the moment so I can't keep that up forever. I just know I am going to end up going to his house and shagging him because I am too scared to go out for dinner with him. And he is lovely, really lovely, and not pushing for that at all. And I don't even particularly want to go out for dinner anyway but previous experience has taught me that you teach someone how to treat you (not in a victim blaming way before you all jump on me) and I will not allow myself to be treated badly again.

Like I say, I am not socially anxious any more, but all those years of being socially anxious and being married to someone who treated me like shit have left their mark. I am sort of on the same level as a 14year old girl iyswim in that I haven't done this stuff before but I am in my 40s.

justatoe1 Wed 18-Nov-15 10:47:33

I wouldn't arrange a meal for first date..all kinds of potential for awkwardness eg date insists on paying but you know after 5 mins there will be no second date.
If you set expectations before date: meet for a drink & maybe go for a walk afterwards then you can easily exit after drink or go for a walk/meal later 'if' you get on.
Enjoy it anyway.

Yseulte Wed 18-Nov-15 10:59:21

So you're more afraid of eating a meal with him than having sex with him?

You're going to have to face it eventually but it doesn't have to be this weekend.

Would it help to make him a meal at your house or at his so you're not technically going out?

Just wear what you feel comfortable in.

SocialLeopard Wed 18-Nov-15 11:20:51

Not so much afraid of eating a meal with him but of the awkwardness. I know I am going to have to get it over with. I think it is the fear of being found out. Like if he knew it was the first time I had done that it would be a bit weird. If I end up seeing him long term I will explain all this to him but it is a bit much at this stage.

Yes I am more afraid of eating a meal with him than having sex with him. I am very comfortable with him and I hope to have sex with him at some point but I've done sex and have an idea of how it works. Going for a meal - not a clue!

As for clothes, I literally only have jeans/t-shirts and outdoor-type clothing, so I would need to buy an outfit to go out in, down to shoes. I don't know what people wear.

If I cooked him a meal it would definitely put him off! I just need to get over it and go out to dinner but it is daunting.

Yseulte Wed 18-Nov-15 11:46:58

You've been eating meals your whole life with other people, so it's not true you've never done it before. All that's different is the setting.

You could wear jeans as you feel comfortable in them, and just buy a little top to go with them. I would dress too differently from normal as that will throw you.

Would it help if you practiced going out for a meal with a female friend first?

Yseulte Wed 18-Nov-15 11:47:22

That is meant to say: I wouldn't dress too differently.

Justaboy Wed 18-Nov-15 12:01:53

SocialLeopard humm.. I wonder how he feels perhaps the same LOL!

Sounds like you've got a bad attack of the butterflies. Hope it does work out for you and you have found a decent bloke which from what you say sounds the case.

Done sex but not gone out for a meal?. Simple just look in a restaurant and see what everyone else is doing usually stuffing the old boat race and chatting a bit.

Still seems to me you do have a bit in common all those outdoor walks and then retuning the that nice hot fire and well, whatever! As to the clothes my 17 Y/O could assist if you want as shes never got anything to wear apart from the spare room full of her stuff can't bloody move. Try a decent clothes shop and ask the assistants surely they must have some idea of what a woman going out on a date should wear?.

As to the original poster I'd do whatever you decide together to do whatever that might be, walks drinks eating whatever.

Surely people must have some idea if they like a person or not after a few mails or phone calls and even if you don't "click" then you might become friends and a friendship isn't such a bad thing is it?.

SocialLeopard Wed 18-Nov-15 15:14:32

No, I haven't been eating meals with other people since I left home age 18. Although before I left home I used to go out for meals with my parents so it's not like I have never eaten out ever. It's just the idea of a date - aaaagh!

It is just a case of butterflies I suppose, because I really am past the social anxiety thing now. It is just hard to account for having missed out on so much of your life. Sometimes I wonder what the point of me getting over the social anxiety was because it is so odd not to have done x,y and z and I feel it marks me out as a weirdo.

Justaboy Wed 18-Nov-15 15:33:00

SocialLeopard Weird?, conkers!, your no more weird than what I am or 99.999 % of the other posters here are!

As you say you've had a rough time in the past and not done the things you should have or might have and there are few more people like that around but now that will change and if you want it to then simply;

!! Make it so !!

It's your life, enjoy it and your man!

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