Still struggling with abusive son(77 Posts)
My previous thread went a bit weird, so I left it and tried some of the suggestions, stopping short at throwing my adult son out.
Things have gone downhill again, I want him to leave. he has no income and I am guessing he would sofa surf until his friends got fed up with him. I don't want to do this, but I don't see what alternative I have due to the level of abuse he directs st me, stealing my things and generally having all his mates and people he hardly knows in my home eating the contents of the fridge, lounging around watching to, using my phone, computer etc whilst I am at work. I come home and all these adults (they are not children) just ignore me and then leave - it is so stressful and upsetting. Despite many requests not to to this he ignores me.
I want him out. I will take his keys or if necessary get the locks changed. I am scared of him - what can I do if he refuses to leave?
I really didn't want things to come to this but I can't take any more.
Previous thread http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2409906-My-son-has-just-called-me-a-cunt
Sorry - does this one work?
How old is he ?
To be honest, if your relationship has broken down this much I am not sure what alternatives you have left
It sounds as if you have nothing to lose by throwing him out and it might be the wake up call he needs. I don't think he deserves to live in your house when he's treating you like this. When he realises what he's lost his behaviour might get better.
He is 18 years old. Bigger than me. Has a temper and shouts in my face. Other times he can be polite and sweet.
It just goes through my head all the time I would not put up with this from a partner.
I have been having counselling due to anxiety partly because of my job, mostly because of him and after a shit day at work I don't know what I am going to come home to, I am living constantly expecting the next crap thing to happen.
I said before, and got slated by some, I have been trying to come to terms that he's not a nice person.
He is not a nice person right now
But he could come back to you a better one when you make him face up to the adult world
It doesn't look like he is going to do it by himself
I would have to know though that I was not throwing him out into an unsafe situation.
Argh, just wrote a post and lost it
Legally speaking you can ask him to leave and if he does not then you can call police and have him forcibly removed. If you give him an eviction letter then he will have a better chance of getting help with emergency housing, although as an adult male he won't be a priority. If you are north of Watford he has a relatively good chance of getting at least a B&B.
BTW you can also ask the police to attend if his disrespectful twats of "mates" don't fuck off home when you want them to.
He is currently taking the piss massively, you're going to have to make this final step if there's any hope of regaining your relationship (once he grows up and takes his head out of his arse, that is.)
I know how painful the thought is - I've been there. I had to evict my son. It was the hardest decision I've ever made. But it did give him the kick up the backside he needed and 4 years later we are closer than ever.
I tried putting firm boundaries in, he ignored. I tried to negotiate how many nights people stay here, he waits until I am asleep and brings them home then. I ask him to do stuff for me whilst at work, piddly little things like recycling, let the dog out -
Doesn't do or lies that he has done when the dog is patently desperate to go outside to have a poo by the time I get home. Lots of things that sound trivial but all add up.
He had told me I am sad, pathetic, a psycho, weirdo, uptight when I try and lay down the law. I restricted his access to the router and he removed it out of the house while I was at work so I couldn't use it, probably sold it. Said I could have it back when he is allowed back on. Lots of bullying type stuff like that, that I am losing the energy to deal with.
is there a ymca by you ,if so phone them see if they have got any rooms available, i think you have to pay a deposit of £15.
he will have his own room if he causes you any shit when you tell him you want him out call the police tell them you feel threatened, they will come out.
you shouldnt have to live like that even if he is your son
best of luck
That is not acceptable.
He wants to be "in charge" then he must go elsewhere.
Why did you stop short of throwing him out?. You could not bring yourself to do that to him?.
He does this also because he can. He is still in your home.
I guess I am just worried if I throw him out he will end up on the streets and I will feel responsible.
He is an adult and can be responsible for himself if he doesn't like the house rules.
You are only responsible for your own actions ultimately.
Where are the consequences now for his actions?.
If you cannot bring yourself to employ tough love are you suggesting that you will simply continue to let him remain?. Nothing then changes. He likely knows that you cannot bring yourself to throw him out because you think he will end up homeless.
He really has you over a barrel here doesn't he; the power and control balance in your relationships lies completely with him.
If he refuses to leave, take out an injunction after a talk with a solicitor about your rights and responsibilities. As your son is 18, he's legally an adult and therefore legally not your responsibility any more. I'd also have a chat with your local police about how threatened and vulnerable you feel. Its important that you flag up, to the authorities, the abuse you are constantly receiving from this person. If anything escalates, be prepared to press charges.
There appears to be massive, continuing disrespect operating from this son of yours towards you, indeed, I get the impression that he's getting some sort of distorted, twisted pleasure from trashing your home and trashing you personally. He's projecting his anger onto you and expecting you to just take it. He is immature. Entitled. Unpleasant. Threatening.
He needs to grow up and a short sharp shock might just do the trick.
You have to assert your right to live without fear, abuse, intimidation. If he won't listen to you, then tell him to go, change the locks and refuse to speak to him until he apologises and proves to you that he can behave in a civilised and non-threatening way.
You have rights. Human rights. He's taking a nasty, vindictive, distorted pleasure in verbally abusing you and expecting you to just get on with it. And my worry is that it could escalate. You must act now.
If he refuses to leave, call the police to remove him.
We go to situations like this all the time.
You've got to think of yourself now, OP.
I don't have any experience of this but it sounds very stressful and I think you've got good advice here.
I agree with everything people have said here. I am currently watching as my younger (adult) brother treats my parents horribly and I can see he needs kicking out. It will be the making of him.
Can you get another adult (friend or relative) to support you in delivering the message? He needs to go. He will survive. He will reflect, learn and grow.
I called the police and had my 15 yo son charged for his abusive (physical) behaviour towards me - the hardest but the best thing I ever did for him and me. The physical stuff shoves/pushes was less painful that the emotional verbal stuff that I had endured for years. I also told hid school - they were compassionate and supported him with anger issues.
Take back the power. You cant live like this.
He is responsible for the consequences of his actions, not you.
The best lesson you can teach him isthat he cannot expect to treat you with contempt and enjoy the comforts of home
I promise you, promise you any future partners will thank you for the lesson that you dont treat people the way he is doing.
When he has this huge shock, it maybe the turning point for him and he may make some pretty important changes to his attitude
Atm you are in an abusive relationship with your son. It has to change.
He needs to present himself as homeless to the county council housing department. You can write/email a letter (which he can have on him) to explain he is homeless and he can no longer live in your house. They should find him temporary accommodation initially, then something more permanent.
Do you know what I am supposed to write? Is there a template anywhere I can follow?
Also if he is abusive and won't leave, is it worth getting the police involved so there is a occupation order. Not sure of that would help?
You could write:
To whom it may concern
As the parent of ******, DOB *****, I am currently unable to provide him with a home.
You cannot go on like this.
OP his choice. He chooses to modify his behaviour or he moves out.
He is now an adult, if he wants to continue to behave in that way then he does it somewhere else. He won't have an epiphany, it will take a while, he sofa surf, he'll blame you (because it's worked in the past).
Homelessness will contact you - don't be soft, tell them the you won't and can't have him back.
I work with young people, I see this time and again. He is choosing to behave like this, the longer you continue to enable him, the longer it will continue.
If you carry on doing the same thing you will get the same thing.
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