I can't stop worrying about how my life is going

[ifeeltrapped]

I'm a regular on several boards but I've NC because a few RL people know my username and I'm embarrassed.

I'm 25, engaged with plans to be married in the spring, I have a very secure job which is well paid for what it is. I rent a flat, have my own car, have a much loved dog, I'm studying in my own time for the first time since I left school and I have lovely friends and supportive parents.

Great, except I'm so lonely I could weep. My DP is utterly addicted to internet porn and we haven't had anything close to proper sex since April 2014 despite several ultimatums. I'm pretty sure he watches it every day as he works early shifts and has the afternoon to himself, so by the time I get home in the evening he has removed any urge to have sex. He says it's because his anxiety and body image issues cause performance issues (which has happened in the past, so it's not a total lie) but I've told him that he's selfish for sorting himself out and leaving me with nothing. He has absolutely no incentive to go to the effort of having sex when he can just watch porn.

My flat is a total shithole, the LL has nothing to do with us and DP does nothing around the house without stern words so it's dirty on top of falling apart around my ears (broken shower, broken water heater, broken kitchen sink).

Due to a penchant for expensive travel and being terrible with money, I'm currently in around £8k of personal debt. I earn an okay salary but I'm living on around £100 a month due to high debt repayments and savings. I feel like I'll never be out of this financial hole that is entirely my own doing. My job is fine and it's secure but it's a world away from what I want to do but I can't see any way I could ever afford to leave work for university. I left school with very few qualification when I was 17 (I thought I knew better than everyone else!) and have been stuck in admin jobs ever since.

I moved away from my hometown to live with DP but I don't have any roots here. He had crippling anxiety and binge eating disorder alongside depression that he refuses to treat. I've begged him to go to the doctor to no avail. We are like roommates most of the time. We rarely go out because I'm skint, he hates social events so never comes to anything with me and there is no intimacy in our relationship. I love the bones of him but I feel like he is choosing himself over me a little more every day.

I am also about 50lbs overweight and suffer horribly with binge eating and bulimia. I feel fat, worthless and I can barely look at my reflection in the mirror.

I lie awake at night panicking about the mess my life is in and I don't know what way to turn.

[category12]

OK .

Little bites, is how you tackle this.

First, I would put the plans to marry on hold.

Second, try to rearrange your debt repayments so you aren't so very tight for money. The money advice service? Learn to budget, it can be kinda fun (or maybe I'm odd ) - moneysavingexpert and all that.

Are you getting any support for your bulimia? I understand that eating disorders are about feeling out of control, but I may be way off base. Talk to someone like your gp or ED charities.

There's a lot here, but once you get some bits in place, it'll be easier to get a handle on.

[Gladysandtheflathamsandwich]

What are you saving for? If its to get away from where you are living then good, keep it up. If not, then put all your savings into paying off your debts, any interest you will get on your savings will be much less than what you are paying on your savings.

And I agree, put off the wedding. At the very least it doesnt sound like you can afford it, and frankly I wouldnt recommend marrying a lazy selfish porn addict.

[ifeeltrapped]

Gladys

The savings are for the wedding, which is going to be a small affair but still in the triple figures.

The closer we get to the wedding (the date is set and payments have been made) the more I panic that I'm making a catastrophic mistake.

[ImperialBlether]

I agree with category. Break this down.

1. Your wedding. Are you trying to save for this and to pay off debts at the same time? I wouldn't marry someone who was addicted to anything at all, never mind pornography. What kind of marriage do you think you'll have? He won't even want to sleep with you (or anyone human) on the wedding night! So I would cancel the wedding for now.
   
   
2. Your flat. Is your boyfriend working? Personally I would get out of a flat that was falling to pieces. All of those problems are the responsibility of the landlord, surely? I would give notice.
   
   Personally, I'd go and live in a flatshare with some other young people now. I wouldn't live with someone who's proven himself to be useless. Sorry to sound harsh.
   
   
3. Your debt. If you're not paying for the wedding, presumably you'll have more money. I know that if you move house that'll be expensive at first, but it will pay off.
   
   
4. Your eating disorder. I think it's a sign of how unhappy you are and how out of control of your own life you feel. If you get rid of your boyfriend and move into a new place, I think you'll feel an awful lot better. I would recommend you see a doctor about it, though; you clearly need some help there.
   
   
5. University. Do you know what you'd like to do/study? Do you have a career in mind? It is a fantastic way of changing your life, especially if you move to a new area. You'll need to study before going, though. It's too late for A levels but check out the Open University as I think they do modules which you can take prior to a degree.

[Cookiecake]

Good advice from category, I think small steps is key. When you thinking about all that no wonder it feels impossible.

I do think postponing any wedding plans is important, it doesn't sound as if the relationship is entirely healthy. I think you should also go and see a doctor, hopefully this will help and make you feel better about things.

[ImperialBlether]

I can confirm that if you marry this man you will be making a MASSIVE mistake which will impact on your life for years and years. Please don't do it.

[ImperialBlether]

I've just seen you have started studying - that's fantastic. Also that you have great parents and friends - perfect. You're in a much stronger position than many on here.

Could you move back home? You are so young (sorry!) and it is so expensive trying to pay for a flat and debts if you're not paid much.

By the way, what do your friends/family think of your fiancé? Do they know he's useless around the house?

And does he work?

[ImperialBlether]

Sorry, just seen he works early shifts.

[RiceCrispieTreats]

Re-read your second paragraph. These are the constants in your life. You have all the right things in place. Your problems feel overwhelming, but you have all sorts of solid things in place to help you deal with them.

You will be fine.

But by bit, you can tackle all the negative issues, and I guarantee that what seems like a mountain now can be handled. Just take the first step, and then another, and don't expect to solve it all overnight.

Please do put your marriage plans on hold as step 1.

[ifeeltrapped]

Only a couple of my friends have met him and one of them doesn't like him at all. He's very anti British army (he's Irish) and she is from a military family so they got off on the wrong foot due a big debate and they've never recovered from it.

My parents really like him as he's a nice, funny guy but they're only aware of the bare bones of the issues. If I told them the whole story they'd flip.

I'm paid a fair amount (£1350pm) but between rent, bills, savings, car insurance, food and massive debt repayments I'm left with £100 or less. If I left and got a job back home I probably could move back to my parents' house but my mum and I get on only in small doses and I'm not sure I'd get away with living rent free. Even paying bills and food wouldn't be enough for her, she had me paying £200 digs back when I was earning less than £800 a month.

[ImperialBlether]

Sorry, I was reading on my phone and thought you had an eating disorder.

[ImperialBlether]

OK so moving back home wouldn't be cheaper so there'd be no point to it.

Anyone can be nice and funny but the problem is he's lazy and he is hooked on internet porn. There's not much you can do to resolve either of those things.

How much are you paying back on your debt and how much are you saving at the moment? Are you overpaying your debt or just paying what you have to?

[ifeeltrapped]

ImperialBlether

I do have an eating disorder. I eat compulsively and then restrict food for days to make up for it (non-purging bulimia). I went to the GP a few years ago and was referred for therapy but moved to a different area and it stopped.

[ifeeltrapped]

Sadly I'm only paying what I have to because I physically don't have the money to spare without stopping my savings. My repayments are at around £450 a month and I'm putting £250 a month into my savings but that would help a lot to get my debt cleared faster.

[timelytess]

Don't marry him. You'd be fighting porn all your life.
Don't worry about your weight and shape - it will sort itself out when the rest of life is tidy.
Move out. Somewhere. Leave him behind. It wouldn't be unreasonable to pay quarter of your salary to your mum for accommodation.
Pay off your debts as soon as you can - don't take out another loan to consolidate debt, just do it the old fashioned way.
Then save so you have something behind you when you move out of your mother's house again.
If you ditch the porn-addict you'll have a chance of being happy.

[timelytess]

If you look at the interest you are paying on your debts, and compare that with the interest you are receiving on your savings, the chances are it will be clear that saving is counter-productive whilst you are in debt.

[ifeeltrapped]

The only way I'd move home is if I could pay for bills and my own food but put most of my salary towards my debt and then eventually a mortgage fund. It wouldn't be worth the fights that my mum and I have if I was paying market value rent as well.

[ImperialBlether]

£450 per month on a debt of £8,000 sounds an awful lot. Who's the loan with? Surely it would only take a couple of years maximum to pay that off?

You could add the £250 to it but that would mean acknowledging the wedding is off. Do you think you could stay in the same flat with your boyfriend if you'd called off the wedding?

[RiceCrispieTreats]

Can you find a room in a flat share in your area that will cost lest than your share of the rent at the moment?

[ifeeltrapped]

It's not just a loan, it's part of a loan with £3k left on it plus a catalogue account and my overdraft it's a bloody mess, frankly.

If the wedding was called off, I'd be leaving him entirely. I love him, which probably sounds pathetic considering all I've admitted about him but sometimes I think about how life would be if I left.

[DoreenLethal]

Just because you said you would - you don't have to get married OP.

I'd put that on hold; pay off your debts and once that is done, then seek to re-establish whether you really do want to marry this bloke or not. Use any spare cash for a deposit for your own place and start living the life you deserve.

[Cleansheetsandbedding]

op you could be eligible for an IVA. It's not a loan but they do consolidate all your debts together and you get a huge chunk taken off. You can start from as little £80 per week payments. Have a good look at it.

Put the wedding on hold. He won't stop the porn becUse he knows you will do did all about it.

Go to your mums and get your finances together. It's got to be better than this crap

[category12]

Currently however he isn't getting help with his depression or other issues and your lives together aren't full of joy and hope. Which, if you're getting wed, there ought to be a fair amount of (however flowery I sound).

I think you're enabling him. I think if you were to move out and perhaps get a nice house-share or bedsit, or move back to your hometown, it might be the kick he needs to get his act together.

You're only 25, this isn't what life should be like.

[Buster08]

Please don't marry him (yet, if at all) You have way too many unresolved issues and as soon as you're married it will become 10 times harder to leave.

[MorrisZapp]

For the love of christ, don't marry this man. It will indeed be a catastrophic mistake.

Escape the horrible domestic dynamic and rebuild from there.