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dp going on online dating site, what to-do?

(22 Posts)
notSure06 Mon 16-Nov-15 12:40:57

My dp and I are going through some up and down times we both say we love each other but now and again I catch dp looking on these sites. I have already confronted this issue to which dp said don't know how that got on there, I can hand on heart say it wasn't me and again have found threads on the computer. Please give me advice am in bits here....

Psycobabble Mon 16-Nov-15 12:43:41

What exactly have you found ??

Those stupid emails that say hot singles waiting for you etc ? I get those no idea why but I never asked for them

Or in the history does it show actual dating site profiles he has looked at? Ha he got his own profile ?

hellsbellsmelons Mon 16-Nov-15 12:54:33

How long have you been together?
You aren't married.
Are you living together?
I think you know what to do.
If you've been around a while then no doubt you've seen how this kind of behaviour ends!!!
Not worth it.
Really, get out there and find yourself a man who respects you!

BaronessSamedi Mon 16-Nov-15 12:55:36

Time to bail. There is no trust and why should you trust him anyway?
You can't change him - he wants at the very least to flirt with other women. I would end it.

notSure06 Mon 16-Nov-15 14:09:04

Well that was first response but we are married with children involved and I keep hearing the words love you but not sure I can believe them, am of the opinion you can love someone but not be in love with someone and it's which one I want to carry on living. Massive decision to make.

notSure06 Mon 16-Nov-15 14:13:45

Sorry psycobabble but it was on the history drop with time and date stamp and not sure is dp has a profile or not but I hope to god dp hasn't for our families sake, one worrying find a while ago I found nearly nude pics to which I didn't receive, an excuse then followed which was unpalatable but believable at the time.

whodhavethoughtit Mon 16-Nov-15 14:29:59

If he is online dating then him saying love you is pretty worthless and a lie surely? And he has form for lying in the past too? I wonder why you stay?

Psycobabble Mon 16-Nov-15 15:49:35

Ah right I see and also nude photos of him you mean that you think he has sent to other women . I wouldn't put up with that it would be over . I know it's easy for me to say that though!! Stay on here you will get some good advice x x flowers

RiceCrispieTreats Mon 16-Nov-15 16:05:47

He's not your partner if he's fishing for other women, is he?

notSure06 Mon 16-Nov-15 16:24:54

This is so hard for me as have invested so much time and love to see it go sour, the thing with me is i try and see the best in people especially when they are loved ones. I realize that one day this could be over but til then i will focus all my attention on my young children because i love them deeply.

pocketsaviour Mon 16-Nov-15 16:33:22

TBH I would almost be angrier that he thinks you're going to swallow his total bullshit, and that he's so dumb he can't even work out how to clear his internet history.

I recommend setting up a fake profile for yourself on the dating site you saw in the history, upload a random photo from google images, and then do a search to see if he's on there. Search your local area and if he commutes a long way then search that area as well, and if you're trying to narrow the number of results then keep the age brackets and height brackets fairly loose as lots of people lie about these things on their profiles!

If you find he has got a profile it will show you when he last logged in. At that point you can choose whether you want to try to get his password, then you can log in as him and check his messages to see what he's been up to.

I am of the mind that sometimes people cheat, and sometimes you can get past that as a couple and carry on. But if he's just blankly denying all knowledge, that's not really on the cards.

notSure06 Mon 16-Nov-15 18:56:51

That sounds like good advice because I know there are other email accounts which I know you need to join but unfortunately I don't know the login info for. The best part of me wants to believe dp as long history together and i do still love dp, but there is always a gut wrenching feeling this could all end horribly. I am trying to stay strong til after Christmas as not fair on children and see what the new year brings.

RiceCrispieTreats Mon 16-Nov-15 19:06:52

"This is so hard for me as I have invested so much time..."

Google "sunk cost fallacy"

AnyFucker Mon 16-Nov-15 20:48:29

The New Year will simply bring more of the same, I am afraid

Are you going to bury your head in the sand ? I don't recommend that...your self esteem will get decimated.

Mom2K Mon 16-Nov-15 21:38:25

Thing is - it's great when you can see the best in people but this doesn't mean you should ignore glaringly obvious faults. People who love and respect you don't lie and look outside of the relationship.

You may choose to forgive him and stay in your marriage, but you should know that he will keep doing this, it's just who he is - he might just hide it better in the future. The decision is yours whether or not you want to put up with this.

I wouldn't. And didn't. It took me 8.5 years but I'm out now - only wish I'd done it sooner. I'm sorry you're hurting, you deserve better flowers

notSure06 Tue 17-Nov-15 07:31:39

Thankyou all and I know you're all right but am not going to spoil my kids Christmas so in the new year clean start, just need to do some research on separation, mortgage,kids,costs etc.....??

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 17-Nov-15 08:02:46

No time like the present OP to start your researches.

Did you read about the "sunken costs fallacy" that another poster mentioned. It just causes people to make poor relationship decisions.

Solicitors often report that their busiest month is January precisely because of Christmas. That is but two days. I would also have thought that your children have picked up on the not so good atmosphere between you and he as well.

notSure06 Tue 17-Nov-15 09:15:11

Yes I can relate to the sunken cost fallacy because it is very true and I can see that my children have picked up on myself and dp's angst to one another. I just feel like I am being baited to be the bad guy by him leaving one line search addresses and me reacting and getting called a control freak which I am not just a concerned party looking out for myself because i know something is a miss.

LovesPeace Tue 17-Nov-15 10:16:41

'I love you' is easy to say.

Actions speak louder than words - do you feel loved, does he deserve trust? It doesn't sound so.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Tue 17-Nov-15 10:49:26

I just feel like I am being baited to be the bad guy. And there it is. He wants out, and like so many cowards before him, he wants you to start so he can be the wronged one.

I would get him out right now, so you can have a decent Christmas with the DCs without an oncoming storm. My cousin spent her 1st Xmas apart penniless, but her DDs reckon it was the best one they'd ever had. No gloomy silences or shrieking rows.

MissApple Tue 17-Nov-15 11:00:27

''I would get him out right now, so you can have a decent Christmas with the DCs without an oncoming storm''

Yep, I agree

AnyFucker Tue 17-Nov-15 19:31:20

Indeed

Op, there will always be another reason to not take action

Christmas, birthdays, holidays

And on you go

I hope you are not sleeping with him without barrier protection

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