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Different libidos

(5 Posts)
4obviousreasons Mon 16-Nov-15 09:38:51

I've NCed, for obvious reasons.

DH and I have very different libidos. We have one DD (3), and I haven't wanted to have sex much since she was born. We've also had some serious money problems, both changed jobs and have moved house three times since she was a baby, so we've been busy and stressed.

DH would like to have sex more often than me. At the moment we do it about once or twice a week. He always initiates. I never want to do it to begin with, but enjoy it most of the time. But I rarely 'finish' - I asked him to stop waiting for me to, because I'm just not sure I can, and it's too much pressure. So these days sex has become about him, which is fine in that I want him to have pleasure in it, but I think it's a bit weird in the long term for both of us if that becomes the norm.

DH is a very kind and loving man, and there are also many times when I say no to sex and he, of course, is 100% ok with that. He says he finds me attractive, tells me that he loves me, asks me if I'm ok, wants to make me happy. But I hate my body (I have put on 3 stone since DD was born), am tired and pretty depressed, and I don't want to have sex. I just don't have any desire to.

We started having a date night once a week (my idea), because I read on here about people living in sexless marriages, and I don't want to inflict that on DH. I thought if we did it more often then I would get used to it, but I haven't. Every week I think "Thank God that's over."

I've toyed with going on Anti-depressants but know their side effects include weight gain and lower libido - which are the problems I'm trying to solve!

I just don't know what to do. i've posted in here instead of in Sex because it's about our relationship, more than the act. I want to feel close to DH again, to have the (amazing) sex life we used to have and for both of us to feel loved and intimate. I just don't know how to get there.

Not sure why I'm posting - hoping for some practical advice or similar stories, I think.

Thanks for reading this far.

Offred Wed 18-Nov-15 01:16:42

Once to twice a week is a. Quite a lot with a toddler and b. Going to absolutely kill your sex drive and your relationship if you are not into it.

Could you try taking the pressure off things by vowing only to have sex if you initiate (possibility of not at all) and are into it and during that time try to be intimate and close - date nights etc sans sex you aren't into, also look at why you are so tired and whether he can take the burden a bit and think about what kind of dieting/exercise you could do if you are unhappy with your weight?

Offred Wed 18-Nov-15 01:17:51

Just think it needs stripping back right to the bare bones and building up again, trying to force it will not improve things. IMO it will make things worse.

Fratelli Thu 19-Nov-15 15:45:01

I agree forcing yourself to do it will put you off even more. He shouldn't be happy to keep having sex with you if he knows you're not into it.
Intimacy is about so much more than sex. Anyone can lose their sex drive at some point in their relationship but it doesn't mean losing intimacy. As pp said have sex when you initiate it and have date nights without any pressure to have sex. Cuddle, kiss, hold hands etc. Just enjoy each other's company.
If you're unhappy with your weight take steps to change your diet and do some excercise. Maybe get dh to look after dc whilst you go swimming or something? Good luck op

ItchyArmpits Thu 19-Nov-15 17:30:19

There are many, many posters in this topic far wiser & more experienced than me, so I'm just going to respond to the little bit where I feel I can comment:-

I've toyed with going on Anti-depressants but know their side effects include weight gain and lower libido - which are the problems I'm trying to solve!

Ime, ads did cause me to gain a little weight. But they also made me feel so much better about myself that I could bring myself to take up a sport, so I did get healthier and looked better, even if a little rounder.

Also, I didn't find that ads killed my libido. It was depression that had done that. When I was depressed I felt ugly and stupid. During sex I had thoughts like "This is pointless... what does he see in me anyway... I'm never going to come... it must make him feel awful too so he won't be enjoying it either... what the hell is wrong with me.... Christ, I can't even do this right." - Funnily enough, I didn't come very often. Once I started to feel better, those kinds of thoughts went away and things improved a lot.

I thought Date Night is meant to be more about taking a little time away from being parents and getting to have a proper conversation again. It doesn't have to be Sex Night. Take that pressure off yourself.

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