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What do you say to a friend who is upset with you?

(52 Posts)
friedafilmer Mon 16-Nov-15 08:45:59

But you don't think you did wrong?

I had a falling out with one of my best friends early this year. And now I really do miss him.

He got mad at me because I said something that was true, but I guess he was in denial or wasn't ready to face the truth.

How do I say truce?

friedafilmer Mon 16-Nov-15 08:52:54

I want to diffuse the situation and stop making a big deal about it.

Toffeelatteplease Mon 16-Nov-15 08:53:47

An option, I appreciate I may have/I'm sorry I hurt your feelings but I'm hoping we can put it behind us an go back to being friends because I really miss your company

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Mon 16-Nov-15 08:57:30

You can't say "truce", you need to apologise.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow Mon 16-Nov-15 09:00:54

There's not much you can do here because you're not sorry, you're convinced you're right and he's in denial but you don't like the fallout from what you said.

What you want is for you to be right and him to be ok with it, I doubt that's going to happen.

abbit Mon 16-Nov-15 09:03:54

You could get in touch and say that you miss him and want to try and reset the friendship. Explain your side of the situation, say sorry for any hurt you caused and then listen and accept whatever he has to say.

However, you have to be prepared for the other person to not be ready to be friends with you either now or possibly ever.

Arfarfanarf Mon 16-Nov-15 09:05:47

really it depends. Did he ask you for your opinion or did you take it upon yourself to deliver this 'truth' to him?

If he asked you what you thought about something and you told him and you were simply honest then you should say something about how you are sorry he was upset and that wasn't your intention at all but he did ask you and you thought he wanted your view etc

If otoh, you gave an unasked for and unwanted opinion on something about him that was none of your business then you deliver an unreserved apology for opening your mouth when it wasn't wanted.

third option I suppose is he was behaving in an unacceptable way that was affecting you and you told him his fortune and he spat out his dummy. In which case you could say look, I am sorry we fell out over this, can we meet for coffee and have a chat about it

Jux Mon 16-Nov-15 09:07:45

Sorry. You say sorry.

That's enough really, you would only need to go into detail if you were only sorry for what you said, if you see what I mean. What you're actually sorry for is the loss of the friendship, so say sorry for that.

If he brings the subject of your disagreement up you can call truce or agree to disagree, but you're still sorry.

bigmouthstrikesagain Mon 16-Nov-15 09:12:36

If you are the one wanting to renew the friendship then you have to be able to make a genuine apology. If you are starting from the position that you are right and he is wrong then that apology is going to be useless and meaningless.

If you look at the problem as his fault entirely then there is not much point getting in touch. If however you can accept that you were either wrong, or wrong to say something to him - then there maybe a possibility of renewing your relationship. Or you can wait for him to come back to you begging your forgiveness for not listening to your wise words... never going to happen

People don't always appreciate unvarnished 'truth' especially when it has not been asked for. If your argument was over something really trivial and it should be water under the bridge by now and you are willing to compromise being right, to support a friend then maybe it can be resolved.

Note - you may well be right but if that means less to you now you realise that being right has left you without a friend then perhaps a different attitude will be possible. When I have seen friends making life choices I don't agree with I have had to make a choice - do they need my support? Should I 'make a stand' - if they were about to get hurt or they were making an ethical choice that I could not agree with then I might but if they were buying a pair of shoes that I thought were hideous or moving in with a boyfriend I hated then I wind my neck in - as they are grown ups etc.

reni2 Mon 16-Nov-15 09:30:32

What was it? This is important, is it the sort of truth like "I do not believe Britain would be better of inside/ outside of the EU"? Or is it more along the lines of "Your girlfriend is cheating on you"? In both cases, all you need to do is say you miss him and let's move on. If it was "You are jealous/ lazy/ manipulative" a grovelling apology may or may not rescue the friendship.

friedafilmer Mon 16-Nov-15 10:57:05

How does this sound:

I miss you. I hope we can go back to being friends again.

?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Mon 16-Nov-15 11:00:01

Where's the apology?

If there's no apology you're probably going to get ignored.

friedafilmer Mon 16-Nov-15 11:02:54

"Hey,

I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I miss you. I hope we can go back to being friends again."

?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Mon 16-Nov-15 11:04:24

Much better. I'd respond positively to that.

SelfLoathing Mon 16-Nov-15 11:53:22

He got mad at me because I said something that was true, but I guess he was in denial or wasn't ready to face the truth.
How do I say truce?

From what you have posted it sounds like this is a dead friendship to be honest - because you aren't sorry! You are still self justifying.

If you want to try, I'd go for a longer letter (hard copy, hand written not email -bit of effort) with a heartfelt apology and what you miss about the friendship (some shared fun memories).

Two other things:

the nature of "the truth" you told is important here. What was it? If it was personal ("you are too fat and need to lose weight/stop drinking") it maybe there is no way back. If it was more external ("your wife/gf is a loser and I've always hated her") there maybe more chance.

The nature of his personality is also important here. If he is prone to splitting (lots about this on google - basically black/white devaluing), it won't matter what you say, you will be dead to him as having offended his sense of self.

Spilose Mon 16-Nov-15 11:57:12

It doesn't matter if what you said was true or not. The point is they're your friend and you hurt their feelings, so you give a genuine apology. However you may have left it too late.

friedafilmer Mon 16-Nov-15 21:03:14

I slept on it, and yeah maybe I'm dead to him.

I sent him two emails after the fight actually. One was an apology, and another I sent him links of things that reminded me of him (just some silly random things).

Didn't reply. I guess I hurt him too much.

Yes it was personal.

Mintyy Mon 16-Nov-15 21:05:16

I'm sure if he was that bothered he would have contacted you.

Not all friendships last - you learn that as you get older grin.

reni2 Mon 16-Nov-15 21:32:02

Was it a truth like "you suck" or "you are jealous" or "you are lazy"? It really is important what you said to start with.

HoneysuckleAndJasmine Mon 16-Nov-15 21:34:55

Sorry I hurt your feelings isn't sorry for what I Did/said

HoneysuckleAndJasmine Mon 16-Nov-15 21:35:49

Sorry I hurt your feelings isn't sorry for what I said

BaronessSamedi Mon 16-Nov-15 21:38:29

what did you say to upset him in the first place?

3luckystars Mon 16-Nov-15 21:41:28

You have to tell us what you said! Please I am so curious.
Also, did he ask your opinion at the time or did you just give it?

Best of luck I hope you sort it out.

friedafilmer Mon 16-Nov-15 21:42:53

We were having an argument about something really silly, actually. And then it just blew out of proportion. I told him I was very happy with a decision I made and then he was making it seem like I was just convincing myself. And then it spiralled from there. Eventually he was very angry at me and saying hurtful words and I told him he might want to check how he can be hurtful with his words because that was the same complaint of his wife when she left him.

So I guess I blew it. I should have been more tactful.

A friend told me, why would I still want to be friends with him in the first place. I was his only friend, and Christmas is coming. And I do really miss him.

CakeMountain Mon 16-Nov-15 21:44:08

Is utcworth the hassle OP? Did you have a point in your criticism?

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