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feel like the world's worst gf

(23 Posts)
FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Sun 15-Nov-15 18:51:11

Just back from a wonderful couple of days away with my bf of a year. We had a lovely romantic time.

However last night we were out and I picked a drunken argument with him. He's saying not to worry about it this morning but I just feel terrible. I'm also hungover which isn't helping.

The argument was over something and nothing but boils down to me feeling like I am lower on his priorities than his brother. But, I'm only his gf of a year so perhaps I should be lower on the list of priorities. I know I am being unreasonable but I am worried that I am investing a lot in this and perhaps this is an indicator that he's not as invested as me.

Essentially brother lives abroad and is over for Xmas. Totally appreciate that he doesn't see his brother and will want to spend time with him. But eg we have people inviting us to stuff over Xmas and he's just saying he can't commit to anything until he finds out the brothers plans. He won't even ask the brother what his brothers plans are - he just intends to wait and see. For example new year - I am having to wait and see what his brother wants to do rather than us making plans. He won't ask his brother what the intention is - he will wait and see so I need to wait and see too.

Please give me some perspective.

Needless to say am cutting back on the booze.

So as not to drip feed we do have plans to see each other on Xmas day - but it's me going to his family. I didn't ask him to come to my family but I think the answer might have been no had I asked because his brother is here. I wouldn't have asked because I wouldn't want to put him in that position. I have mentioned that I would want him to see my parents at some point which he's agreed to although nothing fixed yet.

Cabrinha Sun 15-Nov-15 19:01:06

It doesn't have to be his priority to SEE you, not over a close family member who he rarely sees (if that's the case) beyond already committing to the big day itself.

But as his girlfriend, your FEELINGS should be a priority.

I can't tell from the info given and without background to your relationship.

It's only November. He's already committed to Xmas Day. I don't see why he has to see YOUR parents? If he's not asking his brother because the brother wants to not plan, fair enough - especially as it's mid Nov! If he hasn't asked his brother cos he doesn't care about your feelings, not good.

But he's just your boyfriend. Why are you waiting around? Just do your thing.

- hey, let's plan Xmas
- oh I can't really, I want to fit in with Bro as I never see him
- OK, but Xmas Day is fixed, and you'll try to come with me to my parents at some point between what you do with Bro?
- yeah, thanks for understanding it's a bit up in the air - but look, I'll know by 20th Dec, OK? Or if I don't, I'll commit with you and he'll have to accept that
- OK, that's cool - but look, I'm going to be making my arrangements too so you might miss out
- that's only fair

If you can't have a reasonable conversation about it, I'd suggest something else is wrong generally, not the specific brother issue.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Sun 15-Nov-15 19:11:06

Thanks.

Family is important to both of us so I would not be happy spending a chunk of my time at Xmas with his family if he's not prepared to reciprocate. I'm an only child so my parents don't really have anyone else. Hence I would like him to see my parents at some point over the Xmas period eg we might go out for a meal or something.

We've had a general conversation about it. I've stopped short of saying 'oh well I will do my own thing' because I do actually want to see him and spend time with him over Xmas. I think he is just assuming we will work something out maybe. And maybe that's true, and I am just reading too much into stuff.

WitchWay Sun 15-Nov-15 19:16:58

Before I lived with whichever current partner at the time, we spent Christmases with our own families, then Christmas week socialising a bit together if we were geographically close enough to do so (Uni BF was too far away) & then saw friends for New Year.

If he can't commit to plans yet, make plans of your own, build in a bit of flexibility & try not to piss anyone off by cancelling at short notice smile

Cabrinha Sun 15-Nov-15 19:17:02

No, I don't mean "so your own thing" to mean you don't see him!
I mean, plan your own stuff and he can join in or not, depending on the brother situation.

It all depends on whether you feel he's reasonable about the brother.

I've told my boyfriend that I haven't got a clue what I can do over Xmas for most of the time - work shifts aren't finalised and neither are the days my child will be with their father. He knows he's got me for an hour on Xmas Day, and that's it. But he knows I'm not being awkward, and he knows I'll fit around him as best I can when I do know what's going on. So there's no drama.

We'll both sort our own things out, then work out time together nearer the time. Not - have a strop and only sort ourselves out.

donajimena Sun 15-Nov-15 19:19:13

I think you possibly are reading too much into it. I don't know what I am doing for Christmas. My parents are waiting on my brother to make plans. My OH doesn't know when he is seeing his children.
I'm just chilled about the whole thing. Que Sera Que Sera

ImperialBlether Sun 15-Nov-15 19:20:15

I would be with my parents on Christmas Day rather than a boyfriend who can't be bothered to work out when he can see me.

forumdonkey Sun 15-Nov-15 19:24:12

It's one day!! It's not that important in the grand scheme of life. You get to see your BF week in week out but he gets to see his DB rarely. Cut the poor guy some slack. Let him enjoy his time with his DB wish him and great time and make your own plans. You'll have plenty of time to catch up in January and the rest of the year

Griphook Sun 15-Nov-15 19:28:13

I think you need to plan your own things and get on with them and he can join in if you want him too and if he is free. I think your coming across as a bit bossy tbh. You've only been going out a year and he doesn't get to see his brother often, you say you understand but how have you shown this?
It's only November, maybe he wants a bit of flexibility while his brother is hear and doesn't want to plan something then cancel it.
Maybe just wait to nearer the time

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Sun 15-Nov-15 19:28:40

Thanks Cabrinha. Yes I see what you mean. Tbf to him, I think he thinks that we will fit in seeing each other as much as we can but just isn't really wanting to have everything set in stone just now. I think he probably thinks it is premature to be asking his brother to commit to stuff right now (and thinking about it it probably is, it's just that I like things to be organised).

He's really close to his brother and misses him, so I do get that he will want to see him. I don't know what my problem is really.

I'm an only child, late 30's, failed engagement under my belt. Met my guy through friends and generally we have a great time together. Feel like it's something really good but always waiting on something to go wrong, as that is my experience. I could be seeing problems where there are none, I don't know.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Sun 15-Nov-15 19:30:56

Griphook, yes I think I am being a bit bossy. I don't really understand why.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Sun 15-Nov-15 19:33:15

Forumdonkey -yeah fair comment.

PinkFlamingoAteMyLipstick Sun 15-Nov-15 19:35:14

"If he's not prepared to reciprocate".

Ouch! Take a step back and lighten up! You sound like you're being a tad needy. If he does not want to, he does not have to commit to seeing your parents at Christmas! Drop the tit for tat and make your own enjoyable plans which he can choose to fall in with if he wants to.

PinkFlamingoAteMyLipstick Sun 15-Nov-15 19:38:07

X posted with you pp - I see you're already getting some perspective as you sound really nice and self aware - flowers smile.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Sun 15-Nov-15 19:38:42

Hi Flamingo, yes I do feel like I'm being a bit needy and actually he tries his very best to make me feel loved.

On the seeing my parents generally - for me it is important that someone understands I am close to my parents and doesn't mind /wants to spend a little time with them.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Sun 15-Nov-15 19:39:57

Thanks Flamingo. I'm just a bit of a twat sometimes though!

mintoil Sun 15-Nov-15 19:40:57

I agree with pink you sound really quite dependent on him. Do you not have any friends you can make plans with over Christmas?

I would think my BF was a bit of a leech if he acted/spoke like this. If he cannot commit to dates/events then you just make your own plans and if he can fit in with your arrangements, once he has seen his brother etc then I am sure he will.

What's the big deal? You are surely capable of having fun without being attached to a bloke, no?

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Sun 15-Nov-15 19:43:38

Mintoil - yes I have lots of friends and a busy social life. Although quite a lot of my friends have their own families now so are not that up for masses of stuff over Christmas.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Sun 15-Nov-15 19:51:20

Mintoil - it's not about being attached to a bloke at all btw. It's just that I want to see him as he's one of my favourite people.

I would entirely accept that I'm perhaps being a bit needy but it's not about being attached to a bloke - I have a career, a lovely flat (paid for myself), and have had lots of amazing experiences on my own - so really not about having a bloke over everything else. Before I met him I was at the point where I was happy being single. In someways it's been weird having to consider someone else again and not just suit myself!

mintoil Sun 15-Nov-15 19:54:06

Sorry if I was hard on you OP - it's just your opening post came over a bit needy.

You know you are seeing him Christmas Day. Let's hope he misses you so much he realises he should have booked you up earlier smile

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Sun 15-Nov-15 20:00:28

Mintoil - it's ok, I think I needed a virtual shake which is kind of why I came on here grin

Ok, I think you are right - I'm seeing him on Xmas day and should just accept other invites etc as they come in and see what happens. We're not joined at the hip anyway.

Itisbetternow Sun 15-Nov-15 20:26:26

Make plans to spend the day with your parents. You have arranged to see bf so great too. I can't understand what other plans need sorting as it is only one day. New Year's Eve I'm sure you will be seeing bf but he also needs to ensure brother isn't on his own. Again what needs fixing at this stage? It is early and you are coming across as needy. Calm down and just enjoy your times with him. It will sort itself out as on this occasion you cannot control it. X

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Sun 15-Nov-15 20:41:05

Thanks Itsbetternow - yeah, think I do need to calm down

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