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What happens if you cant agree RE custody following split

(19 Posts)
Lndnmummy Sun 15-Nov-15 18:42:36

Just a question: if you split from your long term partner: if you can not agree on custody arrangements then what happens? Court?

The coulle have been together 13years and are not married. One child aged 3.

VoyageOfDad Sun 15-Nov-15 18:44:03

Manditory mediation first. Then court.

Lndnmummy Sun 15-Nov-15 18:44:33

Please no bashing on the marriage front. No warnings to others or bla bla bla. I am after advise on custody arrangements. I have nothing left in me to defend marital status, thanks

Lndnmummy Sun 15-Nov-15 18:45:13

Thanks voyage: would you mind explaining to me how mediation works?

Lndnmummy Sun 15-Nov-15 18:47:00

Sorry for drip feeding but not from UK so unsure of the legal aspects.

I would be very willing to go with EOW or similar but do not belive 50-50 would be in the best interest of our son.

VoyageOfDad Sun 15-Nov-15 18:48:17

I avoided it thankfully. But i imagine there is an independent 'chair' who tries to guide you to an agreement. If you don't agree it goes forward to court.

Hopefully someone whos been there will turn up in a min.

But if you can agree things without a court its better for everyone. I know its impossible at times though.

Lndnmummy Sun 15-Nov-15 18:48:21

Shit should have name changed. Fuck the day keeps getting better and better.

Lndnmummy Sun 15-Nov-15 18:49:18

Thanks Voyage, how the hell did my lfe come to this.

VoyageOfDad Sun 15-Nov-15 18:55:07

No prob.

But i think if you want opinion on your situation ( you may very well not ! ) you'd need to expand on why you don't want 50:50 , I know it's a contentious point with no concensus, so there's a risk of a bun fight !

Lndnmummy Sun 15-Nov-15 19:29:54

I am not against it per se, in fact in country im from it is very much standard. But on our case, i do both pick up drop off, all bed time, all bath time. All docs app, all the tooth brushing and sort all his allergies and meds. This is what my ds knows and as a sensitve soul I worry how he would cope with such a fundamental change in routine.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sun 15-Nov-15 19:33:29

I think if it went to court, you'd need a much stronger reason than that, so it'd be in your interests to compromise during mediation. 50/50 is the starting point and you need fairly good reasons to argue that.

Does your ex partner work? Do they want 50/50? Would it be possible with working routines?

Lndnmummy Sun 15-Nov-15 19:37:59

Ok, we will have to see how it goes. Yes we both work and in 3 1/2 years he has never managed one pick up or drop off. Interesting to see of he can commit to that to keep his 50-50. If he does, then it is ultimately a good thing I guess.

Offred Sun 15-Nov-15 19:39:35

50/50 is not the starting point.

The welfare principle is still prominent over shared parenting.

Usually the court looks at keeping things stable as much as possible for a young DC tbh and from what you've said it sounds unlikely they would order such a significant change just because the relationship has broken down.

Lndnmummy Sun 15-Nov-15 19:44:27

Thanks for everyone commenting. I hope I do not come across as wnating to hinder a relationship btween father and son.

I worry though, and things are still raw so bear with me, that my very young son will suffer from all of this. Hopefully, when things have settled we can be civil and reach an agreement. At the moment it is all very fraught and "you cant take my son from me, I will fight you with everything I have bla bla bla.

Offred Sun 15-Nov-15 19:46:27

Mediation might be good to calm things down. If he hasn't been involved with certain things during the relationship he is not 'losing his son' by not being involved with them now you have split - is he?

Lndnmummy Sun 15-Nov-15 19:52:25

Exactly offred. I am taking things as calmly as I can, not raisinh to the bait or the threats but it is hard.

Offred Sun 15-Nov-15 19:56:05

Having someone independent involved in your discussions can really help to calm things down.

A mediator just supervises your discussions. The aim is to get you communicating productively and making decisions together.

Anything you agree in mediation is not legally binding though.

ivykaty44 Sun 15-Nov-15 19:56:18

Can you start with two days per week and build this up to three days, then four days.

So for example dc going to stay with his dad

Thursday Friday one week
Friday Saturday next week
Saturday Sunday following week
Saturday Sunday Monday on fourth week
Sunday Monday Tuesday
Monday Tuesday Wednesday
See how this works for your dc

See if your ex can commit to working, child caring etc

Offred Sun 15-Nov-15 19:57:03

What kind of involvement did he have before you split and what does he want now?

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