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Meeting the OW

(88 Posts)
Chucklecheeks Sun 15-Nov-15 16:06:05

I need to meet the OW. DH moved out to live with her last week after what's looking like a six month affair. We have two children so they will be meeting her at some point. I need to see and speak to her. Am I mad?

I won't even consider the kids meeting her till I have.

AuntieStella Sun 15-Nov-15 16:12:26

I'm afraid that no matter how horrible it is for you, the DC have a right to a relationship with both parents and you really must not block contact.

You need to talk first to your XH about contact arrangements, without attempting to tell him what he can and cannot do when he is the parent with them (I doubt you'd like it if he tried to put conditions on what you did with them).

What is it that you think you'll gain from meeting the OW? And how will that help your DC?

Chucklecheeks Sun 15-Nov-15 16:23:44

I have told him I can't stop him introducing them to her but I have asked that before he lets them stay over at his new house they get to know her.

I can't In Good conscience let my children stay at someone's house who I have never met. Even though DH is there I don't know her.

I have Aspergers. I work in absolutes. I need the absolute of seeing them together. I keep dreaming of him coming back. I would never have him back but it's my heart that needs the final nail in the coffin and for my Aspergers I need to see them together. I need to ask her questions.

I know it isn't normal but I know myself and I know what I need.

BeeRayKay Sun 15-Nov-15 16:25:31

But it's not about what you need.

It's about what the children need.

Chucklecheeks Sun 15-Nov-15 16:27:56

So should they just go next weekend to stay at his new house?

Buttercup443 Sun 15-Nov-15 16:31:57

I think you have every right to meet her but I think it needs to be managed well for it not to turn into a sh*tfight.

Sorry you are going through this.

What are you planning on saying to her. I think it'll be very awkward.

He can introduce the kids once ex and OW have been in an established relationship for a while.

As Stella said, be careful of any rules you put down, they may come back to bite you once you find a new partner.

ImperialBlether Sun 15-Nov-15 16:32:08

Be a bit more gentle, Bee. He only moved out last week and it's understandable that this has completely thrown her. It must be horrible to have to meet the woman who's been having an affair with her husband, especially if she's only just found out about it.

Yes, he has the right to see the children; she isn't trying to stop him doing that.

CremeEggThief Sun 15-Nov-15 16:32:50

Your DC need to have a relationship with their dad, but not with her. Can you tell him you don't want them to meet her for at least 6 months? My DS didn't meet his dad's OW for almost a year. I have no interest in ever speaking or meeting her, over 3 years on...

BoboChic Sun 15-Nov-15 16:33:51

I don't think that you meeting the OW or trying to form a relationship with her will help you or your DC.

pestilence13610 Sun 15-Nov-15 16:33:53

One week is a very short time in relationship breakups. You might say something that you would later regret. I think most of us would. grin

If you are really uncomfortable, could you suggest that for the first few weeks, he has them day time only at weekends, to give them time to adjust.

Tapirs Sun 15-Nov-15 16:37:27

Depending on the age of the children, I think it is in their best interests that both parents are as comfortable as they can be around new significant adults coming into their lives.

If it would be reasonable for him to meet a man who would be developing a relationship with your DCs, then it would be reasonable for you to meet a woman who they will be spending time with in the home.

The difficulty is around how awful it will be for you and whether you could cope with it. Also, what would happen if you took against her? You can't demand that they don't see her during contact time with him.

It's shit. flowers

AuntieStella Sun 15-Nov-15 16:37:34

Time to adjust is likely to help.

How receptive was he when you suggested he sees them without OW being there for the first few visits at least?

LilyW36 Sun 15-Nov-15 16:39:24

This is a sad situation and I really feel for you.

I'm not sure if it would be a good idea for you to meet her yet. I think you should give it some time first as your emotions will be quite raw and new. You might think you're ready but when you see them together, it will probably upset you.

Suggest that the children hold off meeting her for the time being. Introducing a new adult into a child's life should be taken slowly as they need to adjust to a new situation. All of this needs to happen over time.

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 15-Nov-15 16:51:25

Given that he only moved out a week ago has he even raised this as one of his wants?

Chucklecheeks Sun 15-Nov-15 16:54:16

He wants them over night as he has moved too far away to just visit. I suggested he stay at his parents every other weekend and they stay with him but he won't ask. The other option he came up with is I move out of the house for the weekend and he moves in. I feel like I have no control over what is happening to the children.

diddl Sun 15-Nov-15 16:54:17

And if she says no?

MTWTFSS Sun 15-Nov-15 16:54:59

"But it's not about what you need.

It's about what the children need."

Bullshit!!! The OP has feelings too!

PrettyBrightFireflies Sun 15-Nov-15 16:58:17

chuckle She won't care what you want or need. As the OW she is either terrified or you, or contemptuous of you. Meeting someone who feels like that will not help - you won't get the answers you seek.

And if you trust your ex to be responsible for your DCs, then that includes who he introduces them to. If you don't trust him, then he should have no unsupervised Contect. You can't be selective about what you trust him with, iyswim.

Chucklecheeks Sun 15-Nov-15 16:59:09

If she says no then they will not be going over night. I know I don't have a legal leg to stand on but until I have met her they will not be going. I know it is a lot to ask of her but ex has said he will ask and explain why I need it. To be honest it will tell me what type of person she is. I know they can just do it. I am hoping they respect my wishes.

Naive I know.

diddl Sun 15-Nov-15 17:01:12

"If she says no then they will not be going over night."

Good luck with that one!

Hopefully your ex is reasonable where your kids are concerned & will want to initially spend time with just them.

ImperialBlether Sun 15-Nov-15 17:02:08

No way should you leave your home and let him stay there with the children. He can take them to his parents' house.

Chucklecheeks Sun 15-Nov-15 17:07:49

He won't ask his parents. They have made their disgust of him clear and he doesn't want to put them out.

I have two realism for meeting her. Firstly the children. Secondly for me. Aspergers doesn't make me react or see things the same way as other people. When I say I need info something it's more than a normal need. It becomes a fixation.

I believe it is reasonable to say they see just him until they have shown to be in a stable relationship.

I believe it is reasonable to say they get to know her before they stay over night at her house.

I want my ex to be happy. We were on the verge of splitting and this is why it hurt so much. He only needed to have waited and I would of welcomed his new relationship after we have split amicably with the children at the front of every decision made.

AtSea1979 Sun 15-Nov-15 17:14:13

Your ex can book a hotel for the wkend and take them there.

PurpleDaisies Sun 15-Nov-15 17:15:37

How old are your kids op? What I remember most about my parents' divorce is being made to stand outside in the street to wait for my dad to pick us up because my mother wouldn't have him in the house. He was an absolute bastard for having an affair, but if there's any way you can make it easier on your kids by trying to be civil to one another in front of them they really will thank you for it.

It probably is best for their sake that they see just him for a while-do you think he'll be amenable to that?

Sorry you're going through this. flowers

Offred Sun 15-Nov-15 17:17:12

I disagree with people saying you can't expect him not to introduce OW right away.

A. Unless the courts are involved what happens is down to negotiation between the two of you.

B. If the courts got involved they will look at what is in the best interests of the DC. It is not in the best interests of their relationship with their dad for him to move far away and then expect them to play happy families with him in his OW home.

It would absolutely be better for him to give them a chance to build a relationship with the DC as a NRP alone and without OW before he moves to living with them all as a family at the weekends.

Provided you are not saying 'I never want that bitch to see them' it is absolutely fine to say to him 'let the DC have a chance to get used to one change at a time - see them at your parents' for a while first'

You asking to meet the OW is dodgy IMO, him asking to move into the home for contact is even more dodgy IMO. That would likely really mess up the DC.

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