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Relationships where you have opposing views.

(18 Posts)
CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Sun 15-Nov-15 08:40:29

I have recently started seeing someone and I'm at that point where I'm wondering whether it's going to go anywhere or if it's just a fling.
I really like him. He ticks a lot of the right boxes. However, it appears we have quite widely differing political views.
My politics are very important to me, and while I respect that not everyone's going to agree with them, I wonder if it's possible to make a life with someone who doesn't agree with a lot of the things I believe in.
My ex was ignorant and ill informed about current affairs and basically believed everything he read in the Sun. So I guess the fact that this guy actually has some fully formed ideas and opinions is a step up from that.
I guess I just wanted to ask for any examples of successful relationships where you and your partner disagree about a lot of things but still make it work.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sun 15-Nov-15 08:45:31

It would depend if I could still respect them while they held those opinions.

perfectlybroken Sun 15-Nov-15 08:48:48

Me and dh disagree about some important aspects of religion (same religion but opposing opinions on some central points). It's an ongoing frustration and I've found it harder since having kids as he passes a view on to them which I disagree with. But it's not impossible. We tend the to try and focus on the aspects we do agree with, and it's important to accept and respect the others opinion, and not give into disdain.

OTheHugeManatee Sun 15-Nov-15 08:49:46

I think respect is engendered more by quality of debate than by the views. It's up to you though if you can love someone with X view - these things are very personal. But DH and I usually vote different ways and it's not a problem in our relationship.

Zippingupmyboots Sun 15-Nov-15 08:55:42

The measure for me is could you introduce him to family and friends without dying of embarrassment.

I went out with someone briefly who had some extreme views on migrants and refugees (not very bright either) and when I met up with friends, I realised I didn't want him anywhere near them for fear he would say something out of order. He would have been oblivious to any offence he caused.

I always regretted not dumping him straight away as, like you, alarm bells went off very early on and I ignored them.

Sighing Sun 15-Nov-15 09:02:15

It depends on how close (to you) those political views impact on your values about society. If it's a general bureaucratic thing about process or type of government then it's probably just a thing to debate round and round. If it's something key to you that impacts on what you want for your life/ furure, people's responsibilities in society for eg. Then it's going to cause knock on issues in time.

Onedirectionarestillloved Sun 15-Nov-15 09:18:26

Dp and I hold very different religious views.
However we do not have children together and we do openly discuss our views. He gas never tried to impose his beliefs on me ( he knows better) and I listen to his opinions and am secretly very impressed with his knowledge.

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 15-Nov-15 09:28:20

I've seen it work. But both parties need to have complete respect for their partner.

NoArmaniNoPunani Sun 15-Nov-15 09:32:51

It wouldn't work for me.

TheMarxistMinx Sun 15-Nov-15 09:37:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMarxistMinx Sun 15-Nov-15 09:41:04

Typos...I hate typing on phone!

Also I think it helps if people have similar values. Like a commitment to equality, how one then believes this can be brought about may differ. But obviously trying to have a relationship with a biggot who is racist would be impossible. No overcoming those differences.

molyholy Sun 15-Nov-15 12:11:37

I could not be with someone with opposing political views. That means they have different values to me and it just wouldn't work.

HermioneWeasley Sun 15-Nov-15 12:15:34

As Moly said, I think it's whether those different views are underpinned by different values.

DP and I hold different views about lots of things, but our core values, attitudes and beliefs are aligned. We just disagree about the best way to tackle things and bring change about (for example, I am pro austerity and think benefits create dependency, she thinks I'm a fucking idiot who doesn't have a clue, but at the heart of it, what we both want is people to be thriving)

angryangryyoungwoman Sun 15-Nov-15 12:17:50

I agree with molyholy and it is what I personally found when I was in a relationship with someone who had polar opposite political views. They have a bearing on all aspects of a relationship

donajimena Sun 15-Nov-15 12:36:05

I appreciate that its not exactly a relationship but my best friend and I have polar opposite political views.
We just don't talk about it. We can't. We have enough about us that we do share (e.g music/pursuits) that it isn't an issue.
However if it takes up a huge part of your life (do you talk politics every day or are you a councillor? ) I understand it might be difficult

AuntieStella Sun 15-Nov-15 12:53:07

"My politics are very important to me"

Only you can decide if it would be a deal breaker to be with someone who does not agree with you.

Unless there is healthy mutual respect and complete tolerance, I think relationships are unlikely to succeed when there are incompatibilities in areas which at least one person attaches high importance to.

mintoil Sun 15-Nov-15 13:14:42

I agree with PP this is about values rather than politics but sometimes there is an overlap.

I know a couple who cheerfully put up Lib Dem posters in one window (him) and Tory in another (her) and they lived very happily.

However, I am fairly far left of the political spectrum. I could never be involved with anyone who was racist/homophobic/or xenophobic. I wouldn't have any respect for someone who couldn't see that taxpayers shouldn't have to fund big business via tax credits to offset cripplingly low wages.

I would think them intolerably stupid to be honest so the relationship wouldn't even get off the ground.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Sun 15-Nov-15 14:46:01

Thanks for all these responses.
It is a case of him being more to the right than me, although it's hard not to be slightly to the right of my political standpoint!
While my politics are important to me, his don't seem to be so important to him. He seems to find my need to know about everything and have a view on everything more amusing than anything else.
I suppose we will just have to see how it goes. I'm not planning on rushing into anything serious so I will just see how our basic values match up over time.
And yes, to the poster, who suggested the "family and friends test," I definitely don't feel embarrassed to introduce him to people because of his views.

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