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Not sure if it's me(11 Posts)
I'm having a really horrible time at the moment.
Me and my boyfriend just bought a house and everything in the house has gone wrong. Then I have been really ill and have been in hospital for 2 days.
The biggest problem though is with my boyfriend. Since I have been ill I have been having to rely on him quite a lot, he has had to leave work to come with me to the hospital. I was on his iPad (with permission) and saw a conversation where he had told his friend that I was all over the place and his sympathy was ignored, and his friend offered him a place to stay.
I am all over the place but I have been nothing but thankful and apologetic for the time he has had to spend taking care of me. I was upset thinking he was going to leave and stay with his friend who offered.
We had a row about the chat I saw and he apologised saying he didn't mean any of it and it was out of context. I was still upset but wanted to forget it.
Tonight he has gone out with his friends and is staying at one of their houses. He hasn't text me back all night and when I asked for a goodnight text he said 'not yet' I told him I just wanted to feel good about myself and he read it but hasn't replied and wont answer his phone (I assume he is asleep now)
I feel like I am being needy because I'm unwell but I'm struggling because he doesn't seem to realise how ill I feel and thinks I'm being reduculous.
I'm upset that he hasnt been there for me the last few days since I came out of hospital and has upset me when I need him the most.
Am I being unreasonable? Do you think I'm just overreacting because I feel unwell- if so how can I apologise for being needy with him this last week?
You don't have to apologise. You have told him you are grateful for his help. Hope you are soon well.
If my husband left me to go out with friends after I'd been so unwell I'd needed a hospital stay, and didn't answer his phone etc. then he'd come home to find his bags packed. That's if I hadn't packed them already having seen unkind comments about me to a friend on his messenger
It's one thing to find it difficult to look after a poorly partner and need some downtime / R&R, but it's another thing entirely to talk about you behind your back, then fuck off out for the night without any contact.
Feel better soon OP
Do you think you are being unnecessarily needy? If your bf wasn't around would you have coped alone or asked someone else for help?
In the future do you plan to have kids? If so you will need him to step up for far longer than this.
Do you generally feel he has your back or not? If not then you have to understand that in future you will have to sort out you and your kids problems while he looks after himself.
This is not something that is likely to change. And it's a very lonely and miserable path ime.
Or you can decide that he is not the one for you.
He sounds very selfish so perhaps this doesn't bode well for the future? It's times like this when we find out who loves us and who our friends are.
Have you got anyone in RL you can talk to?
Sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I hope you feel better soon.
I think I have been asking for a lot of reassurance that he still loves me, more because of what I saw on the messenger than being ill. I have only been as needy as I have needed to be with the illness.
I came 200 miles up north on the train to stay will my parents the day after the hospital stay and the day I found the messages (Wednesday) because he said he was dying for a beer and I felt I would be upset if he went out after work and I was home alone.l after being home alone for 3 weeks whilst I can't work. My parents have been looking after me since then (they're great) and bf has been distant, saying he's upset following our argument.
I do plan to have children in the future and we have spoken about it a lot. I even said when he said he wanted to go out that if we had a child he wouldn't be able to abandon them when ill like I feel he has me.
He has always been there for me before, I feel like things have changed since we bought the house, like something's different. He even admitted he didn't think he felt a spark any more which was devastating. I've offered to leave but he always tells me that is breaking up is the last thing he wants.
I've spoken to my mum a little bit she loves him and says she thinks that the messages I saw are probably just how men talk to each other differently than women. I haven't told her about last night yet
Thanks for the advice so far, some thinking to do
It's a tricky one.
Yes, it might have been selfish of him to not reply to your text, but equally, texting someone on a night out asking for a goodnight text and then following that up with another message is a bit needy.
He has supported you, but doesn't feel it's appreciated. You think you've been nothing but appreciative, but he probably really needed that night out and you couldn't let him have it without pestering him.
It's not selfish to need a bit of a break. Yes, if you had children you'd need him to step up, but you haven't had children so that's not in question here.
I'm assuming you're quite young. It might be that he's immature, irresponsible and is now having second thoughts about the whole thing, or it might be that your neediness has extended beyond what was a reasonable level associated with your illness.
A 200 mile journey following a hospital stay and serious illness does seem a little excessive just to avoid being home alone while he goes out for a couple of hours.
As for the not replying to your 2nd text...
He did reply to your first but it wasn't good enough so you sent another and he ignored it.
Which is exactly what a woman would have been advised to do if she'd posted here having received those texts on a night out because it's seen as controlling and checking up.
Give each other some space and then have a frank chat about it all.
I've been home alone all day every day for 3 weeks whilst I have been off ill. He's gone out 2 night per week over that time and it hasn't been a big deal but after the hospital visit I didn't want to be alone the next night. A 200 mile journey was not dramatic I was trying to make sure I wasn't relying on him so he could go out (Thursday and Saturday was when he had plans) but I needed someone to rely on.
I do regret asking for a goodnight text and following up, I have been asking for validation a lot (which I know is wrong) and usually when he's out he sends something, especially if he is staying away for the night as he usually misses me. I think maybe I've driven him away so I think you're right with some of your post.
Thanks for your opinion
I would have found you a bit needy too.
I think it isn't your illness but it goes back to him feeling that you've lost the spark. Perhaps he feels trapped. You are picking up on that and feeling insecure. Before you bought your house, what was it that made you both happy? You've lost some intimacy and connection and you have to figure out how you bring it back, together.
I didn't think the journey was dramatic (like a flounce!) but I did wonder if it were necessary. It's hard to tell from limited info and you've expanded - it's hardly like he was working all day and coming home all night every night to care for you with no break. In which case, I think he was wrong for going out that night.
And yes, you have been home alone every day for 3 weeks while you've been ill but sometimes that happens and there isn't always someone around to keep you company. It is horrible, but it's just the way it is. I've had it and you do look forward to the company in the evenings.
I still think the space thing applies.
I know that I feel quite claustophiobic if I don't get some emotional space from a situation. It would give you both space to think.
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