The bit between telling him to go & him going....

[PeppasNanna]

I told dp i need/want him to leave last Sunday. I asked him to leave asap. This means him finding somewhere as he doesn't have any family or clse friends in this city.

Its Incredibly stressful at home now. Literally unbearable. The atmosphere is awful.

I'm scared of being on my own with the dc. I really will be all on my own no family or friends to help. I hit my car this week as im so distracted & stressed.

I hope he leaves next weekend but how did others cope?
Cope with the stress of actually breaking up?
The practicalities?

Any advice, greatly appreciated.

[bofski14]

Just keep swimming? I told my partner to leave today. It's all in limbo. I know how you feel. I hang on to the thought of a brighter future. Sometimes things need to get worse before they get better. But they will get better. They will.

[bofski14]

And also, well done for your bravery. You can do this.

[PeppasNanna]

How long would be a reasonable amount of time for him to find a place? I teally won't be able to cope like this for much longer. Im so anxious!

[ravenmum]

Mine took months partly as he wanted to find somewhere nice. He would have taken longer but I started seeking him out and talking about what he'd done instead of hiding.

Go to the GP, report any sleeplessness, anxiety and don't pretend you can cope if you can't.

[bofski14]

Do you feel you are in danger OP?

[PeppasNanna]

Theres no point hoing to the GP. All they do is offer yet more AD/sleeping tablets/rerefer for councilling. 2 of dc have ASD & ADHD so it's always stressful. GP is infurangly ignorant of ASD etc.

[PeppasNanna]

No. More likely im gonna lose it then him!

[PeppasNanna]

ravenmum ive been telling the hcps i cant cope for 2 years!

[ravenmum]

You are already on ADs and counselling or you don't want to try either?

Any chance you might find a support group or start one up by advertising, to get some new friends?

How are you doing with eating? Exercise?

[ravenmum]

I think it is completely shit whatever you do though, at that stage. It was a big relief when he left.

[PeppasNanna]

Im on ADs. Been on waiting list for counselling about 4 months.

Exercise, plenty 4 dc so go swimming etc couple time aweek. Lots of waljs depending on weather. Not eating grest but my stomach is literally churning but just eat cos its breakfast /lunch /dinner time.

There is 1support group but i rarely get to it as its held on a Monday evening.

I dont havevthe time or inclination to start a day time one. I have a toddler so no free time in the day. Younger son is on a reduced timetable so very busy.

Its dp i need advice about. Ive always dealt with the dc by myself. He doesnt understand or acknowledge the boys needs.

[PeppasNanna]

Sorry for typos. Im on my phone.

[ravenmum]

Keep trying to eat as unhappy intestines can actually exacerbate depression ... the physical effects can be very intense, can't they? I even had weird ridges on my fingernails.

If you get a good counsellor it can make all the difference.

It is horrible not knowing how the new situation will be, but it will work out. You don't have to sort it all out now. Do the main things first and the rest later. You're allowed not to have it all under control. That includes giving up the control to your partner (if safe obviously) and accepting that he may be shit at it ... you may finds that he actually takes on more responsibility now.

[ravenmum]

Giving up the control to him when it's his turn to have the kids that is.

[PeppasNanna]

Thankyou ravensmum
He works shifts & only gets one weekend a month off. Hes already told me he will only take 2 at a time, every alternate weekend. So his next weekend off is Christmas. So the first weekend he will take 2 of the dc is in January.

He really isnt interested in the older dc, only the youngest dc. I have no issues about handing them over for a few hours! Ideally I'd do 50/50 custody but he can't cope with the boys & he doesn't want 50/50 custody.

I was reading the other thread on here about the dh moving out on Monday. My dc regulary go a week or two of notcseeing their dad if hes on lates so it wont be a massive deal their dad not being here ofcan evening or weekend...so sad

[ravenmum]

He has told you?

What he is interested in is irrelevant. You are both parents, he doesn't get to pick and choose how many children he has. Would you be capable of telling him a thing or two? Turn the stress round and let it out as anger?

[ravenmum]

You need time off for yourself too.

[PeppasNanna]

He says he wont have more then 2 at a time, once a month. I cant actually make him have all 4 every week, can i?

He doesnt care if i need or have a break. Thats part of why we're splitting up.

Absolute bare minimim maintenance too. I knew he'd be like this, thats whybi stuck it out for so long.

[PeppasNanna]

I told him very clearly its unacceptable. But his job comes first, always has & always will!

[ravenmum]

Does he have family you could "tell on" him to, or who could take the other two kids? Sorry you have got stuck with such a loser ... don't live in the UK maybe someone else knows about legal side of forcing responsibility, or CAB?

[PeppasNanna]

No, no family. His parents have passed away ( his mum was brilliant & i miss her terribly, she was my main support). He has a sister in USA, I've never met her.

Dont think tbe CAB would be particularly useful. It would be a solicitor (family law) that i would need to see & i cant reslly see the point at the moment. He NEVER helps at the moment so its not like i will be losing a form of support.

I pay carers for the boys.
I need to find a new childminder for the youngest. That will help alot.

Its all so difficult...