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Annoyed about money

(72 Posts)
differentviewpoint Sat 14-Nov-15 14:13:47

Hiya, my partner and I have been together for 10 years. I am a sahm and he works in a job he hates. We have money to cover essentials and occasional days out but not general holidays, etc. We have lived in our current, rented home for a year and are decorating/furnishing as we go along. Obviously our sons room was the first room we decorated and furnished and the whole house has been done with help from my mum and dad, except for our bedroom which is still the only room without a curtain pole and curtains etc. Partner has just received a couple of hundred pounds inherence from a relative he has never heard of. Since we have always had a list of things we will buy/sort as we have money I told him that it was his money and he could spend it on what he wanted. I was thinking he would buy some big things he wanted for himself, then maybe some stuff for the house or some stuff for Christmas for his son, but no. He has spent it all on himself leaving nothing for anything else.

I'm torn between thinking well its his money he can spend it how he likes to thinking wow what a selfish cunt he couldn't even spend some on the house or child like I would. Perspectives please

scatterthenuns Sat 14-Nov-15 16:08:26

Well you did tell him that he could spend it on what he wants.

The bloke can't read your mind. You can want him to of course, but he can't.
Of course it would have been lovely had he bought the things for the house, but you explicitly told him to get what he wanted instead. So he did.

I think you need to be more honest with him in the future.

Isetan Sat 14-Nov-15 17:55:38

He isn't you and he obviously thinks blowing the whole lot on himself is OK. So now you know who he is, next time, say what you mean and mean what you say.

JennyC520 Sat 14-Nov-15 18:05:38

Hmmm.. I think I would be quite upset/annoyed if he didn't spend anything on the house or the family. It's true, he inherited the money so he has the right to do whatever he wants with it, but also, he has a family. I would have expected him to spend at least some on treating you and your son.
It's not about whether you gave him the go-ahead to spend the money as he wishes. I think it's more about disappointment that he didn't think of you and your son, as you'd expect from a partner who loves are cares about you.

KeepOnMoving1 Sat 14-Nov-15 18:52:54

He really showed you what he would if life looked up for himself. Yes he's selfish for not even thinking of his son.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Sat 14-Nov-15 18:59:44

Its not the money its the thoughtlessness isnt it really.
FWIT i got a nice curtain pole for a fiver in a charity furniture shop.

AutumnLeavesArePretty Sat 14-Nov-15 19:26:55

So he works in a job he hates to support not only his children but allowing you not to work also and you begrudge him buying some things for himself?

If you want more things for the house, you could work too and provide them.

differentviewpoint Sat 14-Nov-15 19:44:23

Autumnleaves I'm not "allowed" not to work. It's better for us as a family, we decided this together. So by your wisdom I should work to buy things for the house? Absolutely nothing like I was asking but you're obviously bitter about your own situation.

differentviewpoint Sat 14-Nov-15 19:45:09

To everyone else, thank you very much for your differing viewpoints which has helped me get my own in perspective

dickiedavisthunderthighs Sat 14-Nov-15 19:50:06

From his perspective he works hard and probably doesn't see much of the money he brings in for himself. His partner told him to spend his inheritance on himself which is what he did. And now you're cross with him?!

scatterthenuns Sat 14-Nov-15 19:52:11

Absolutely nothing like I was asking but you're obviously bitter about your own situation.

I think that is a rather large extrapolation differentviewpoint, based on no evidence whatsoever! She'd just got a different view on family finances to you, that's all!

WorldsBiggestGrotbag Sat 14-Nov-15 19:52:27

DH absolutely never buys thinks for himself, preferring to spend what money we have on me and the children so if we were in this situation I genuinely would want him to spend it on himself.
YANBU to be disappointed though.

differentviewpoint Sat 14-Nov-15 20:02:57

I did not tell him to spend it on himself I said it was up to him what he spent it on as it's his money. I am struggling with the disappointment I feel with how selfish I feel he's being.

manana21 Sat 14-Nov-15 20:02:48

I think you should have been clearer, if someone said to me to spend the money on what I fancied I'd take that at face value and I'd be upset if there was secretly an unexplained expectation that some of it was spent on the wish list after the fact. You've set him up to fail really.

dickiedavisthunderthighs Sat 14-Nov-15 20:12:35

I agree he was set up to fail. It would have been much better to have discussed him keeping say half of it to treat himself, and the other half as family money.
To be honest, if this is such an issue, and you can't even afford curtains or a curtain rail for your bedroom it might be worth discussing again whether being a single income household really is better for you as a family.

Believeitornot Sat 14-Nov-15 20:13:41

He did what you told him to....

I'm not sure what the issue is

differentviewpoint Sat 14-Nov-15 20:22:08

Thank you dickiedavisthunderthighs I agree with everything you have said there, and I think this will be the basis of our next conversation.

AutumnLeavesArePretty Sat 14-Nov-15 20:26:44

Nice OP, if people don't agree they are bitter hmm

You think he's selfish for spending a small inheritance he recieved on himself after seeing likely next to nothing for himself from his salary after working a job he hates. You don't think it's selfish to want him to hand it over?

If you can't afford a curtain pole, then not earning yourself is not the wisest of choices.

differentviewpoint Sat 14-Nov-15 20:29:00

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RueDesTroisFreres Sat 14-Nov-15 20:33:58

Presumably it was a joint decision for you to be a sahm, and presumably he fully supports that and has chosen to work in the job he hates. He could presumably get another job if he hates it that much. Presumably it benefits your family in non-financial ways that you care for dc at home.

You are struggling that how he wishes to spend the money is only on himself when you guys are hard up. I would calmly, and non accusingly, explain to him how this has made you feel. Be open to hear his perspective. And go from there.

Good luck

differentviewpoint Sat 14-Nov-15 20:48:50

Thank you RueDesTroisFreres this is exactly what I will do. Just posting here has helped me sort it in my mind so I don't sound accusing when I talk to him about it. It has helped me see that it's my expectations I have a problem with and thinking about it I would have had a proper conversation beforehand with him if I had thought this would happen. It's just made me realise I don't know him as well as I thought but at least I know to be clearer with him in future. Still think he's a selfish git (grin) but at least I know that about him now to deal with things in the future.

Topseyt Sat 14-Nov-15 21:39:34

I can see why you might be disappointed. Perhaps it would have been nice if he had spent some on the family and not all on himself.

It was a small inheritance though. It was his inheritance and you told him that it was up to him how he spent it. He took you at your word.

Personally, I would be reluctant to try and influence what my DH did if he inherited a smallish sum like that. A larger amount and we would be agreed how it would be used, such as work on the house and paying off chunks of the mortgage.

So in answer to your question, and in light of your situation where he is in a job he isn't enjoying to support the family, I wouldn't actively begrudge him the £200 for himself.

Maybe that is just me though.

dickiedavisthunderthighs Sat 14-Nov-15 21:44:05

Good luck OP smile

sooperdooper Sat 14-Nov-15 21:46:23

I think you need to communicate more clearly in future, if you wanted the money spent on something specific you should've said so - it's unfair to be annoyed with him when he's just done what you suggested

If he hates his job so much is he looking for a different one?

GothJoose Sat 14-Nov-15 21:50:34

'i told him it was his money and he could spend it on what he wanted' so he did. I don't know therefore how you've reached the conclusion that he is a selfish cunt - he did what you actively suggested he did.

In the future it would be wiser to set out your expectations of him instead of expecting him to read your mind.

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