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I should have listened to you all

(33 Posts)
bofski14 Sat 14-Nov-15 13:58:33

Around two years ago I posted a thread on here "Can a man ever really change". Long story short - whirlwind romance, six week old baby and he was having explosive episodes (calling me vile names, putting me down, anger issues). 99% of posters told me to run for the hills but i was stupid. Thought he could change. Last night he had another explosive episode which resulted in him calling me a "lying pig" and a "f*cking thick c*nt". Sufficient to say, I'm done. Our beautiful daughter is 2 in a few weeks and I am only NOW strong enough to walk away. We deserve better and I'm gonna make damn sure we get it. So now I have practicalities to sort but to anyone who remembers the thread, thank you and I'm sorry.

dontcallmecis Sat 14-Nov-15 14:02:52

Better late than never.

Best of luck to you. The only way is

CharlotteCollins Sat 14-Nov-15 14:03:47

Go easy on yourself. Many many people have trodden the same path before you.

Good decision to leave for a better life for your DD. Be prepared to take everything he says from now on with a pinch of salt. He will have some idea what you want to hear and could week appear nicer than ever before if he thinks it'll hoover you back.

bofski14 Sat 14-Nov-15 14:05:40

Thank you. I was so blinded by trying to create the perfect family I couldn't see the blatant mess. It's been a hard two years. I've tried. I really have. I found out he was on a dating website in the summer. Swore on our girls life it wasn't him but eventually admitted it was. I still gave him another chance. My chances have run out now. I can see him for what he is. I just hope and pray that I keep this strength I have now and not crumble.

tiredvommachine Sat 14-Nov-15 14:08:51

Keep reading what you have written in your OP if you start to waiver.
Don't beat yourself up about the time delay, you know you've tried everything you can and he's still a twat.

Good luck flowers

MadameJosephine Sat 14-Nov-15 14:10:58

Good for you! Best of luck for the future for you and your DD flowers

bofski14 Sat 14-Nov-15 14:11:01

Thanks. I can say I tried. I do feel like a prize idiot but at least I tried.

CharlotteCollins Sat 14-Nov-15 14:14:19

All that time was not wasted. You used it to test whether he was capable of change and build up your resolve to leave. You are more likely to stay strong now because of the chances you gave him which he has squandered.

arthriticfingers Sat 14-Nov-15 14:22:40

Well done!
Plan your escape carefully, though. Find somewhere safe for you both to go. Put documents and treasures away safely. Get a shit hot lawyer.
The going will be tough for a while now, but MN is here - lots of really wise posters.

bofski14 Sat 14-Nov-15 14:32:41

He has said he won't fight me on anything as he's caused enough hurt. We have a joint account for bills. The savings are in my name only. We co-own a house worth 80k with 63k left on the mortgage. He said he will sign the house over to me and I can keep the savings (14k) and he will put £200 a week into my account. This all sounds too good to be true though. How can I make sure he sticks to this? We're not married so I'm on shaky ground but if he's offered this is there any kind of legal way I can make him keep his promise?

bofski14 Sat 14-Nov-15 14:33:23

He's gone to live at his mothers down the road. Me and DD are staying here

kerbs Sat 14-Nov-15 14:37:10

He will change his mind about the finances, get legal advice as soon as possible.

Lots and lots of luck OP and well done.

bofski14 Sat 14-Nov-15 14:50:22

Thank you. I will get legal advice as soon as possible. I don't know where I stand but I know I don't trust his word. Sad really.

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna Sat 14-Nov-15 14:59:58

OP it's very easy for MNers to tell you what to do, LTB etc. when they are not living your life, what matters is that you've now decided to do it when YOU are ready and feel stronger. Be kind to yourself and good luck!

noisytoys Sat 14-Nov-15 15:08:01

Well done you for seeing it for what it is and leaving. Our stories are similar but differ because it was when my then 4 year old called me a cunt I left. It was at that moment I realised I wasn't protecting her. ExH was the same as yours and was living with the definitely not OW in less than a month.

bofski14 Sat 14-Nov-15 15:18:50

Thank you ladies. I have been living with my head in the sand. We went to a concert last night and in the interval when I said how much I was enjoying it and I'd been looking forward to it, he shrugged and said he was "bored shitless". I tried to make the best of the night but after the concert I asked to use his phone just so I could ring my mam to check on the baby. He was very shifty, wouldn't let me see the phone. Hovered over me while I was using it and snatched it off me as soon as I said goodbye. Given that he was on a dating site in the summer I said "don't worry I'm not going to look through your phone". He snatched it off me, called me an "arsehole" in front of people and went to the toilets where I suspect he was deleting the evidence. Then he stormed off, I didn't rise to it but had to keep up because he was driving and had the keys. I said I didn't appreciate being spoken to like that then he completely denied what happened and called me a lying pig. Then he disappeared off for 15 minutes while I waited around with no way of getting home. He eventually came back and we walked to the car where he called me dramatic. I called him out on being shifty over his phone and he was screaming at me in the car and called me a "f*cking thick C*NT!" then left the car in the middle of traffic with the engine running and the door open. I was shitting myself. I can see how this is abnormal now. It's been a hell of a wake up call.

summerwinterton Sat 14-Nov-15 15:55:56

good for you. Get the house sorted into your name asap. In time you may only be able to get CMS minimum from him.

scarlettf0x Sat 14-Nov-15 16:00:49

Better late than never. And the messages clearly did sink in. I spent 8 long years with a verbally and emotionally abusive man. I think the messages sank in so you were listening you were just paralysed to move at that point.

Now I can laugh, but my x once told me I was too fucking stupid to cook a ready meal. (Because I put broccoli in it to make it healthier and to stretch it)

I hope that the people around you are supportive.

scarlettf0x Sat 14-Nov-15 16:02:25

He called you dramatic!?!?! wow.

Write down what happened. Never forget it. Don't let yourself doubt it in three weeks time.

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna Sat 14-Nov-15 16:07:39

He's the dramatic one. He's the abusive one. He's the liar. He's the cheat. He's playing mind games with you.

So did you go back home with him after the concert?

bofski14 Sat 14-Nov-15 16:08:51

I've got good family support. I just feel sick with anxiety. I don't know what my future is now. He has killed my love. I hate him for ruining my family. My stomach is turning. I can't wait to get some legal advice on Monday morning to make me feel safer. He earns about 50k a year, I earn nothing but I will at least have my pride

summerwinterton Sat 14-Nov-15 16:11:39

If you weren't married all you are entitled to is child maintenance.

toffeeboffin Sat 14-Nov-15 16:13:25

Don't apologise OP.

Glad you are OK and are making the right decision.


bofski14 Sat 14-Nov-15 16:26:28

Thank you. And yes, summer I realise that legally I am only entitled to child maintenance but he has OFFERED to give me more I was just wondering if anything can be put in place to ensure that he keeps his word. Similar to a Separation Agreement or something.

TaintForTheLikesOfWe Sat 14-Nov-15 17:34:40

I would seek advice but if no proper arrangement can be legally made to make him keep his word, I would not mention it to him but take the money on a payment by payment basis, seeing each one as 'extra'. IYSWIM. At the point when he reneges (if he does) then try and get something more concrete put in place. At least stuff is in your name so he can't touch it. You would be better off with a lodger helping you to pay the mortgage than shackled to this knobber!

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