DH is taking the piss

[Liv87]

DH and I both work (him FT me PT) we have a 2 year old DS.

Before I went back to work I was a SAHM for 18 months I had severe PND and nearly lost the plot. The loneliness and isolation was extremely difficult to deal with, we'd just moved to a new area and I would go weeks at a time without speaking to anyone other than DH - God it was awful. I felt suicidal, daily and still get a rush of panic every time I'm left on my own with DS for several days at a time.

DH spends a lot of time out of the house, he is either at work, at the pub, doing one of his hobbies or out socialising. Since I went back to work and I'm not longer as isolated as I was he has taken the opportunity to ramp up his social life and hobbies and also start working later and later - this annoys me because he doesn't get paid any extra and this is time he could be spending with us. He rarely spends any time with us as a family and I'm starting to think he just doesn't want to be part of our family.

This week he has worked 12 hour days, gone out for a meal and drinks with colleagues and gone to a friends birthday party which involved an overnight stay in London. He assured me he'd be back before midday. I sent several texts (ignored) and called twice (answerphone). When he finally called back and midday he said he'd be back 'this afternoon' as he was 'listening to music' and 'chilling out.

The last text he sent assured me he'd be back 'this evening' - I went fucking postal. He's ignoring me and he seems to be really enjoying his fun little game.

Talking to him, reasoning, writing letters does nothing to change his ways.

I'm so fed up of being treated like a skivvy 1950s housewife. I'm tempted to just walk out.

[AnyFucker]

Yes, he is taking the piss.

he has no respect for you and he brings no positive benefit to your life that he couldn't also do if you weren't living under he same roof

[QuiteLikely5]

I don't blame you. I think he needs a reality check.

When he gets home head off out to a friend or family members house and think about your future options.

[RaptorInaPorkPieHat]

What's the point of him?

Right now you might as well be a single parent.

[Lj8893]

He's taking the piss.

This may sound extreme but when he gets back you need to disappear for as long as possible. Keep in contact with him but only as brief as his contact is right now.

Have you got a friend or family you could visit? Or just take yourself off to a hotel?

It may be the only way he will realise he is taking the piss.

[Liv87]

I feel like I might as well be a single mother. I couldn't afford it on my megre salary though.

Sadly I am billy no mates and have a pretty hands off family. In-laws are useless too. Some days it feels like me against the world.

[Chillyegg]

Well for one I wouldn't be sat waiting for him to come back!
Get you and your dh's out and fucking turn of your phone.
What a twat he is .

[Liv87]

I've just text him and told him that I can't continue to be in a relationship with someone who has such little care for my needs and who is as selfish and irresponsible as he is.

Apparently he's on his way home

hollow laugh I'm locking all the doors and putting my key in the front door. I've told him to stay at his friends house and not bother coming back.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

What a twat
Has he always been like this?

[AnyFucker]

So when he gets home all full of apologies and (faux) remorse, what then ?

[MrsPCR]

If you've got no one to visit, get up tomorrow morning, get ready, dump toddler on DH and head out for the day. Cinema, shopping, reading a book in a café and watching the world go by, swimming, massage?, have a ypu day abd don't rush home. Oh and leave the list of jobs you would have done while looking after DC.

[CharlotteCollins]

Is he at home tomorrow? Head out early, leave him to have a nice day with his DS.

Forget about the lack of friends for the moment. You can work on that. You can work on improving your home/family life some other time, too. For this weekend, just get some time for yourself, away from your responsibilities.

Stay out for as long as you can. Go for a long walk if the weather's OK, or sit in a cafe with MN, go to the cinema or a library.

A day to yourself will give you time to recharge your batteries and then you can think of how you want your life to change longer term.

[CharlotteCollins]

X-post, MrsPCR!

[Liv87]

He's gotten worse since we had DS. Always been a bit immature and passive aggressive. Not too bad round the house, will do his share but selfish with his leisure time and really doesn't take the initiative with DS. I wouldn't say he is a particulalry good Father.

AnyFucker - I'm torn, I have nowhere to go, noone to help me, limited money and a lot of responsibility. What would you do in my situation?

MrsPCR - Apparently he's not coming home now so I don't think a child-free day for me is on the cards. Just plod to the shops and the park in the rain (again)

[DaggerEyes]

That's nice of him, to wait until the point of driving you away to bother come home. The phrase 'too little, too late' springs to mind.

[EliGold]

OP I understand your frustration and upset. You need to both talk in a calm fashion about his attitude. He needs to spend time looking after your DC by himself to see how hard it is. It would also do you (both of you) good to plan activities as a family even if it's just going for a walk to the park or going to a cafe for cake and a cuppa. You'll feel better if you're doing things. Babies are hard work but your DC should be fairly easy to take out now and do things with. Try and get him to see life changes with DC but doesn't end. No reason friends can't come over in the evening when DC in bed so you can both have a 'grown up' evening. As a lone parent you'll be even more isolated/find it more difficult to get out.

[OhBeloved]

In fact why wait for tomorrow?

I'd be ready at the door - hand over dc and go. And stay in a hotel tonight.

Obviously turn your phone off. Saunter in tomorrow night with lots of shopping bags.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

God what a wanker he is, eh?

I don't at all blame you for your feelings.
Selfish fuckwit, who is acting like a single man while still having the benefits of a wife at home - nah. Not on.

Can you move back to wherever you were before, did you have more of a social circle there? And leave the selfish wanker to his singleton life, since he seems to prefer it.

[CharlotteCollins]

If he's now staying somewhere else, what next? Will you let him back tomorrow or is he out for good? Either way I don't see why it necessarily stops him having a day with his DS tomorrow.

[Liv87]

When I spoke to him on the phone earlier he sounded like he was laughing, 'It's ok don't worry I'll be home later - I don't feel like leaving right now' I could hear sniggering in the background like it was all a massive great joke. I am obviously the butt of the joke.

I've tried talking to him, reasoning with him etc. He makes a lot of promises he doesn't keep. It feels like hes' enjoying having a little power trip knowing he's out having fun and I'm holding the baby.

Does anyone know what the practical steps are for separating when you have no money and nowhere to go. I earn less than half what he does, I couldn't even pay rent and council tax on a place of my own. Ds would obviously come with me.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I don't, no. BUt if you can access the CAB, they may be able to help you with what entitlements you can get.

[expatinscotland]

I'd see a solicitor. Time to divorce this man. Now he's not coming home. What's new? He's never there anyhow. I'd tell him not to bother coming back, too.

'As a lone parent you'll be even more isolated/find it more difficult to get out. flowers'

That is never a reason to stay with a twat who treats you like shit, and, if you go on the lone parents board, you will see, that's far from the case, OP. Most are so relieved they got rid of someone who didn't give a shit about them.

It's not up to you to fix this, it's up to him, he's the one fucking off.

[dontcallmecis]

You're married, right?

Do you own or rent your house?

[timelytess]

He treats you badly and shames you in front of his friends. Always remember that. On the days when you can't afford even a loaf of bread it will give you the strength to go on.

Not trying to frighten you! Being a single parent can bring some tough times but not as tough as being with a loser like the one you're living with.

I don't know the current practicalities but many MNers will be well informed.

Stay strong against whatever charm he possesses. Don't let him minimise. Good luck.

[Liv87]

If I'm honest I'm a lone parent anyway. We haven't been out for one single date night since DS was born.

I get no time to myself, nothing would change. It would be exactly the same.

[expatinscotland]

Why are you the one leaving? He's the one who has somewhere to go. Do you rent together? Tell him he needs to leave for now.