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Ready to cave in & need some help

(165 Posts)
Wibhay Sat 14-Nov-15 12:05:21

Hi I'm sure a lot of you have read a previous post ..Need your advice.
I've recently broken up with someone and although everyone is saying it's the right thing and I agree I'm finding it so hard. I'm sitting here blaming myself and keep picking up the phone to call him and apologie. It's like I'm out of control and can't help myself. Sorry to post on here it's just I have very few friends and don't know how to stop myself. sad

GeorgiaT2468 Sat 14-Nov-15 12:15:30

Iv not seen any previous posts lovey but can I ask why you have broken up? Xx

category12 Sat 14-Nov-15 12:20:07

Oh don't phone him, it was the right thing to do. Can you go out and occupy yourself with something fun?

AnyFucker Sat 14-Nov-15 12:21:42

We can't stop you.

If you want to do it, go right ahead.

You will regret it though, and will weaken your position further down the line when you realise what a colossal mistake it was.

ignoringthechoc Sat 14-Nov-15 12:22:19

Hi, not aware of your previous posts sorry, but if you have come to the conclusion that splitting is the right thing to do and others are saying the same there must be good reasons. Be strong, its so hard in the early days especially when theres not much support irl, believe me I know, but you need to break your routine a bit, maybe go for a walk (I know weather is rubbish!) bake a cake, basically take your mind off him everytime you feel resolve slipping. Maybe write down your reasons for leaving too so you can remind yourself when its hard. Good luck, its really tough but it gets easier and the busier you keep yourself the quicker the time qoes. Take care x

ALaughAMinute Sat 14-Nov-15 12:23:48

If you phone him and apologise you will make yourself feel worse.

You are in control. Don't do it!

redpinkbluegreen Sat 14-Nov-15 12:27:27

Agree with the distraction idea, gym, cinema, stroll round the shops, what ever is likely to fill your mind with other things.

Also I find the memo app on my phone really helpful. Instead of sending someone a text i might regret, I type it into a memo and then let it sit for a few hours. Usually when I go back to it the moment has past and I realise how stupid it would have been to send. I recently deleted about 70 memos from my phone which had built up over time whilst I was trying to let go of an ex.

definitelybutter Sat 14-Nov-15 12:37:47

Mumsnet classics. Some of them are hysterical. Look out for the one about forcing dinosaurs on our children

Start decluttering - you NEED NEED NEED to get back to your support network. Make it easier to pack up

Every time you feel like calling, post on mumsnet. You could post here or post on a thread in chat or housekeeping or anything

hugs - it's tough. Keep going.

Zippingupmyboots Sat 14-Nov-15 12:38:48

The thing is, if you contact him and apologise you will be back where you started (buying a house with not enough bedrooms for the hypothetical baby that he didn't want - that's you isn't it?)

I do that drafting a text thing in my notes to stop me sending a real text in the heat of the moment. I say to myself, I will not contact him today. We can all manage a day at a time. Also call him an insulting name in your contacts just to remind you.

I understand how hard it is as I have recently been through similar. Every time I nearly cracked I thought of his possible responses and knew there was a risk of dredging it all up again or him saying something hurtful to upset me. That was enough to stop me.

Zippingupmyboots Sat 14-Nov-15 12:40:58

Btw he cracked first and contacted me after a silent four weeks. Now I genuinely don't think I want to see him any more.

Guiltypleasures001 Sat 14-Nov-15 12:45:30

Hi op

Your exdp sounded like an arrogant bully from your posts, I think he was hoping you would shut up and hand the money over so he and the kids could live in the house he wanted.

Nothing you said about him sounded gentle or empathic or even slightly warm, you are in a position where you want a child badly, and I wonder if this is clouding your thinking.

What would you be apologising for exactly?

Wanting to clarify your future situation
Wanting to discuss things rationally
Wanting your opinion taken in to account
Having a say about a house and the rooms used
Having a say in a house you'll be putting all the money in to
Not to be gas lighted or stonewalled
To be considered an equal

To be considered full stop hmmthanks

kerbs Sat 14-Nov-15 12:54:45

Since the split he's behaved like an arse though.

Do you think he's worrying about you at the moment OP, or do you think he might be a bit annoyed that his plans have been scuppered?

You really do deserve better, be careful you don't get reeled back in.

Wibhay Sat 14-Nov-15 12:57:22

Thanks for your replies. It has stopped me from calling him. I just no I'm very emotionally immature and blame myself for that. I miss him and just wish I could have made things better

kerbs Sat 14-Nov-15 13:03:54

Saw this on "The Words of Wisdom" thread and thought of you OP.

Sometimes you have to forget how you feel and remember what you deserve.

mintoil Sat 14-Nov-15 13:12:02

Do you think you really miss him, or do you miss the man you thought he was - the relationship you thought you might have?

Look at what you said OP - "I wish I could have made things better." YOu actually know he will never make things better. It would be you, minimising his faults, being the "perfect girlfriend" People pleasing and appeasing him and doing all you could to hold it together. Does that really sound like the life you want?

You have dodged a bullet and you need to be out and about doing the "I dodged a bullet dance"

If you call him and cave in now, he will laugh his socks off and you will have condemned yourself to a life of subservience. If that won't stop you then I don't know what will.

mintoil Sat 14-Nov-15 13:14:41

And read this baggage reclaim breakups

mix56 Sat 14-Nov-15 13:45:29

Just remember he hasn't rung you, he hasn't shown any sign of love, pain & wanting to repair, or change. He hasn't run after you.
He hasn't even had a face to face discussion.
Clearly he doesn't give a shit.
Go & see your folks, clear out/tidy/re arrange flat, cupboards, visit friends, go shopping, go to the gym. start a Xmas list, Just keep busy & move on.

Wibhay Sat 14-Nov-15 13:50:54

I'm really trying I really am but it's so hard. I can't stop torturing myself with this. I keep thinking I wonder if he misses me I wonder this i wonder that. I wish I could just turn of my brain/mind it's doing me in

CharlotteCollins Sat 14-Nov-15 14:09:45

Think of this pain as coming down off a strong drug. You have to go through the withdrawal. It won't feel like this for long.

CharlotteCollins Sat 14-Nov-15 14:11:16

And promise yourself you'll do nothing for the two weeks you're off work. That'll give you time to get some perspective.

Wibhay Sat 14-Nov-15 14:15:29

CharlotteCollins I'm really try but I don't think I'm even going to get through the day sad I blame myself for being irrational. What's the hardest with sharing bedrooms etc. I can see where I have done wrong and I want to change sad I just want him back

CharlotteCollins Sat 14-Nov-15 14:18:38

Of course you do, but believe me that that "drug" is stopping you from thinking clearly. So do nothing for now.

Actually, do something for you. What do you enjoy?

Wibhay Sat 14-Nov-15 14:19:49

At the moment I don't enjoy anything I just feel empty. I'm sorry I keep writing on here but it's the only way of stopping me from calling him and saying how sorry I am.

CharlotteCollins Sat 14-Nov-15 14:20:52

mix had some good ideas to pass the time. And a pp suggested MN classics. That could kill an hour or three, easy!

CharlotteCollins Sat 14-Nov-15 14:24:33

OK, if distraction is not going to work, then go through your last thread and any others you've got and write a list of all the reasons it would not be a good idea to get in touch with him.

It could start with the one you saw clearly a few days ago: he thought having a child with you was a compromise.

I had one of these lists. My EA-thread buddies and I used to call them our shit lists.

BTW, very sensible to keep posting here. The worst thing is not to reach out for support when you know you need it.

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