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Do I need to accept my marriage is over?

(11 Posts)
Bigbangfan Fri 13-Nov-15 22:19:09

Hi, sorry for the long post but I am in bits having found out my husband has been lying to me - again.

We had some problems just over a year ago, 2 weeks before our DD was born. I caught him exchanging messages with a girl from work which was a series of several hundred messages over a few weeks with endless flirting / propositioning etc. Although I was devastated he swore he would never do anything like it again and that he'd never done anything like it before. At this stage we had been married 2 years and together for 7 years in total.

It was obviously really tough to try to overcome this while in the throes of having a new baby but we did and I thought our relationship was now in a good place. We have recently been trying for another baby (as much wanted by him as by me).

Anyway, I have now found out that he has been messaging another girl from work and that last week they kissed after work one night. He manages a bar and she is one of his staff. They were sober and he even steered the conversation by saying to her "would you kiss me if I wasn't married". This was the night before we had a week off together to go and visit family for a few days.

When we came back 6 days later, he went out for a staff fireworks night and got absolutely blind drunk and ended up in a toilet cubicle with the girl he originally was messaging a year ago. He kissed her and my cousin caught them before it went any further.

The only reason I found out about any of this is because he came home so drunk that night I checked his phone (yes I still have trust issues following last year's events) and there were one word messages to both girls which, when I looked again at 8am the next morning before confronting him, he had deleted.

He denied anything was going on and swore on DD's life that nothing had happened. Several hours later we spoke again and after a lot of pushing he finally admitted to kissing them both - and then also dropped the bombshell that he'd kissed someone before we even got married.

So, not only has he lied to me recently, he also lied about there not being any other incidents when the whole other situation blew up last year.

I really don't want to be a 35 yr old single mum with no prospect of ever having another child but am I being a complete idiot for thinking there is any chance he will change? When it happened last time I said I'd leave if anything ever happened again and I feel stupid for considering not following through on that statement.

He has apologised profusely and says he doesn't know what he was thinking, he loves me / our life etc and will do anything to make it work including counselling, leaving his job and so on. I just don't want to find myself in the same situation another year or two down the line and be dealing with all of this shit again. Does a liar / cheat ever change and is there any hope or do I really have to get on with accepting I have to start all over???

TaintForTheLikesOfWe Fri 13-Nov-15 22:24:55

It would be over for me. flowers

NanaNina Fri 13-Nov-15 22:26:44

It's really up to you though there will be droves of MNs coming on to tell you to "leave the bastard" - he sounds somewhat immature to me, and just likes to boost his ego, rather than anything else. It's difficult to know whether a liar/cheat ever changes his ways - possibly - anything is possible, but there is of course also the prospect that this sort of thing will crop up again and again, and it's whether you can take that risk really.

Sorry can't be more helpful.

Mummamayhem Fri 13-Nov-15 22:37:54

You're not an idiot at all! His behaviour is horrible. It is up to you both of course but even if your marriage ends your life doesn't, 35 is not old and personally I'd rather be with someone I trust and makes me feel happy. Could you trust him again?

MagicalMrsMistoffelees Fri 13-Nov-15 23:23:06

I imagine some people can and do change.

But at the moment your husband is enjoying having his cake (wife, family) and eating it (snogging other women). He has quite the habit - do you really believe he has only kissed three women? - it'll be hard for him to kick it.

If you make it too easy he'll have no incentive to change. It's going to hurt but you have to show him this is serious and you're not going to put up with it.

But one thing you mustn't do is stay with him because you think you're past it at 35. You are still sooooo young! There are plenty of lovely men out there! And there's also plenty of time to have another child. Don't put up with his crap as the easy option because you could be subjecting yourself to years and years of his cheating and total disregard for faithfulness in your relationship. And one of his ladies might become more than just a bunk up in a toilet cubicle and then he's off anyway.

Good luck; I hope it all works out for you.

category12 Sat 14-Nov-15 11:35:21

He is very unlikely to change. This is what your life will be like if you stick with him.

AnyFucker Sat 14-Nov-15 11:37:43

Yes, surely this is Game Over ?

Your "husband" will never stop.

ImperialBlether Sat 14-Nov-15 11:40:43

Left to his own devices, he enjoys carrying on with other women. Even when he's caught out, he carries on with it.

You can't stop this. There's literally nothing you can do or say to stop it. You could be pregnant, you could be ill, you could be crying - it wouldn't be enough to stop him.

Tell him you're setting him free and start to have a worry-free life.

tableanadchairs Sat 14-Nov-15 11:43:31

Game over.
He won't change, it has not just been one time -it has been several times.
Better to be a single parent than to be in a relationship where you are forever checking up and looking over your shoulder.

loveyoutothemoon Sat 14-Nov-15 16:07:37

You'd be a fool to stay with him. You gave him another chance and he disrespected that. Sorry but it sounds like he doesn't love/respect you.

Respect yourself and do the right thing.

EliGold Sat 14-Nov-15 16:14:49

I have never once posted to say LTB, but I do think the relationship is over. He is not sorry. Everyone can make mistakes. You know they're sorry when they apologise and never do it again. He has done it time and again. He doesn't respect you. He doesn't deserve you. You said it relationship was over if he did it again. He obviously doesn't care as he did it again. Risked his marriage for a 'kiss' with a colleague. You and your DC1 deserve so much more. I am so sorry you are going through this.

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