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Advice needed, I'mbeing irrational and non trusting. Sitting here shaking :(

(18 Posts)
BramblePie Fri 13-Nov-15 17:35:58

I have just fallen out with my DP over what i know to be a small issue that normal people wouldnt care about.

He came home and said his friend had txt him asking to meet up at the end of the month, maybe do a hill walk and then come to our hometown and go out. Maybe to ask another of their friends out too. (All guys)

Well, this immediately makes me feel sick. In my head he's already chatted up girls, dancing with them and wanting to cheat on me and it's still two weeks away. I was asking if the night out was going to be couples or just boys and he said he hadn't been out wih just the guys in ages. This is true, because i am so insecure and paranoid he will cheat he has basically stopped going out at all.

He asks me (i realise he doesnt have to ask, it's his life) if it's ok and i didnt like the pressure. I knew he was so desperate for me to say yes but then to me it kind of feels like he is so desperate to get away from me. I ended up making it into such a deal i feel like i am going to be sick. I am shaking, angry. I told him to do what he likes, leave me alone and that he has ruined my weekend. I did tell him i knew my reaction is not normal and so it makes me believe we should just break up. How night out and in my head my relationship is not worth it.

I have no idea why i do this. I am in self sabotage mode. I have been reading a self help book and know i have abandonement issues but i am unclear why as this usually stems from childhood and my childhood was loving and happy.

I feel bad for my partner. I wont stop him going out, i realise i have no right to that but i do know i will worry and fret over it for the next 2 weeks until it happens. Same with his Christmas night out mid december!

I know this is not normal but not sure what i can do to help msyself.

He hasnt given me any reason to think he would cheat, has never cheated in previous relationships etc so what is wrong with me?

I realise if i keep doing this he will break up with me. I love him but i sometimes think i would just be happier on my own rather than dealing with this anxiety all the time.

wheelsonabus Fri 13-Nov-15 17:38:37

Could be anxiety related rather than abandonment related. Have you maybe had a one off experience that was traumatic (doesn't have to have anything to do with a relationship either)? That might have triggered it.

BramblePie Fri 13-Nov-15 17:40:09

Could have but don't remember anything :/ Or maybe i do but don't see it as the cause?

fitzbilly Fri 13-Nov-15 17:40:28

Oh Dear.

I think it is very good that you identify that this is not normal behaviour.

You absolutely cannot control him and have no right to put pressure on him not to go out, as you know.

Being controlling will not stop a person from cheating if they want to, but it will drive you apart.

Could you try to change your attitude so you see it as a positive? Him going out with his friends is healthy and good, and gives him a chance to miss you and you a chance to miss him, which means you will enjoy seeing each other again. It is healthy to have time apart.

DarkNavyBlue Fri 13-Nov-15 17:41:14

This sounds too deep seated to be sorted by strangers on the internet! At least you recognise that what you're doing is wrong and will drive him away.

Have you ever had counselling to try to deal with these issues?

BramblePie Fri 13-Nov-15 17:42:06

I have had previous boyfriends that have cheated. My current partner sometimes reminds me of an ex i had where he cheated a lot. Gaslighted me etc and so as soon as my current partner says something about arranging plans with friends i immediately go to the "he will cheat" thought and fly into panic mode.

I have had a couple of boyfriends as well where i never felt like this at all.

BramblePie Fri 13-Nov-15 17:43:27

fitz Could you try to change your attitude so you see it as a positive? Him going out with his friends is healthy and good, and gives him a chance to miss you and you a chance to miss him, which means you will enjoy seeing each other again. It is healthy to have time apart.

Yes, i know this too.. except for me it's not healthy as it makes me so worried and ill! I so wish it could be like this though.

BramblePie Fri 13-Nov-15 17:44:55

I went to the dr a month or so ago and mentioned i wanted schema therapy to discuss my relationship issues. he said they noly offer phychiatric or counselling. I chose psychiatric and he referred me but the next approver at the DR's declined it saying my reasons shouldnt be on NHS and he told me about some relationship website to arrange counselling but i don't have the ££ to do that unfortunately.

Allbymyselfagain Fri 13-Nov-15 17:46:05

I really do feel you need to talk to someone qualified to help you. This is absolutely not normal behaviour as you recognise and you will end up pushing this man away. People can only be accused so many times before they think fuck it and either do the thing they are accused of or walk away.

Also do you have a group of girlfriends that you could out with at the same time, so your not sat at home worrying.

Look at it this way, when you go out do you cheat? When you are not with him do you look at, flirt with and get numbers from other men? Whilst in a relationship with him have you fucked someone else? I hope the answer to all of those is No and the point I'm am trying to make is if you haven't why are you so convinced he will?

wannaBe Fri 13-Nov-15 17:47:25

if a poster came on here saying that because of her partner's insecurities she had basically stopped going out she would be told in no uncertain terms to ltb.

Op, the way you are behaving is controlling and emotionally abusive. Recognising it isn't good enough. Most abusers are regretful after the incident and promise not to do it again, until next time....

It's not enough to feel upset after the event, you have to stop behaving like this full stop. No good can come of it.

And tbh if you're constantly accusing your partner of cheating, wanting to cheat, chatting up girls etc it will ultimately become a self fullfilling proficy and he will leave you.

If you can't find a reason why you act like this then stop looking for excuses and find a therapist to help you to stop the pattern of abuse.

BramblePie Fri 13-Nov-15 17:48:31

allbymyself My partner did say he thinks i should make plans so i'm not sitting in all night. I said i want to be at home so i know he will come home.

The answer is no, you are right. I know it's totally crazy. I'm sure he wont do anything but i'm still panicking.

SoDiana Fri 13-Nov-15 17:48:41

Hmmm. Can you read up a bit on borderline personality disorder.

BramblePie Fri 13-Nov-15 17:51:27

wannabe I know what you say is true. I did try to get a psychologist but my Dr did not approve it.
Maybe i need to go back. I have never actually stopped my partner going out. It was he who suggested we would just go out together or in groups but not apart to see how i got on and built up trust.

BramblePie Fri 13-Nov-15 17:53:14

sodiana yep that is me to a T. oh god

BeautifulLiar Fri 13-Nov-15 18:09:07

Hey Bramble. I used to be like this. I was very insecure. I wasn't worried about him cheating as such; just hated the idea of him having a good time without me.

Looking back it sounds awful but I really couldn't cope with it. I had three young children and terrible anxiety so no kind of social life. All my old friends had moved away to university etc, whereas DH (then DP) had grown up here and knew everyone.

I would always ruin his night somehow. Either by getting upset before he went, or being a bitch while he was out; sending him shitty messages etc. Once I even ran the kitchen taps so his shower went cold while he was trying to get ready confused wtf.

These are the things that helped me:

1) Counselling. I was taught about something called "transactional analysis" which really helped me. It made me see that I was treating like him like a child and in turn he was acting like one. Complicated but v helpful stuff.

2) I worked very hard on my anxiety and forced myself to make new friends and rebuild my social life. It was scary at first but now it's like second nature. I soon realised that DH wasn't going out to avoid me/meet other girls, but because he wanted to spend time with friends. Just like I was learning to do.

3) I worked on myself too - changed my hair, went to an exercise class, bought new make up etc. DH always loved me the way I was but it was just for me.

Things aren't perfect now, but they're loads better. In fact, we got married last year and I'm now pregnant again smile feel free to PM me any time x

Wotsitsareafterme Fri 13-Nov-15 18:27:47

Bless you op I can see you are really struggling. Try and think of it this way - good men and women for that matter remain faithful because they want to, not because they lack opportunity. Your bloke sounds lovely and supportive and a keeper. You need to let him go out and you need to cope with it. Can you arrange to spend time with a friend hat evening to distract you?

springydaffs Fri 13-Nov-15 18:30:49

Have you clearly spelt out to your gp what the actual problem is?

Bcs, no, this isn't normal. Sorry to say that but better to know what you're dealing with? Beautiful's post must be helpful for you though.

Re therapy. If you can't get it through gp then you must find the £ from somewhere. Some expenses are essential and warrant forgoing other stuff eg holidays, even car. I know that's drastic but needs must. Yy the NHS should step up but, frankly, the funding simply isn't there - decreasing as we speak. It is a scandal imo but this is what we're faced with and we just have to, are forced to, make our own way. Somehow angry

Contract BACP, click 'find a therapist' in your area, have a look at the list and what they do, contact any that take your fancy. Many therapists offer a sliding fee scale, you just have to ask - they won't be offended, the answer is yes or no. There are also women's orgs for low-cost counselling but lists usually long and skills can be patchy, sadly. Around my way the NHS offer group therapy for ppl with borderline. And CBT , freely offered by the NHS, is an excellent first port of call, so get on a course to start you off, excellent basic training.

SoDiana Fri 13-Nov-15 19:33:24

Bramble you need a diagnosis to get help. I'm no psychiatrist.

Try going back to the gp and explaining your thoughts. A decent gp should refer you.

My dp has this diagnosis but the awareness of it has helped.

He is lovely btw. AS you are I'm sure.

He just seems to feel rejection or loss acutely.

And that includes me having to work late for e.g.

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