Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Help - monopoly-playing ex is sleeping in his car. What do I do?

(98 Posts)
thinkingmakesitso Fri 13-Nov-15 16:48:11

He has taken the dc to his parent's tonight and I strapped ds in while ex went to the loo. There was a thick blanket and a towel on the back seat. Yesterday I realised that he had come here in the day despite my arranging my own child care. Now I know why.

I was too shocked to say anything, but my first instinct is to send him a text saying 'if you are sleeping in your car you had better stay here' but I'm scared if he moves back in he will never leave, or will be seen as primary carer again and I will be the one leaving.

FFS - what do I do? I can't have the dc's father sleeping out in winter, but I am so angry with him for letting this happen. If I do let him back, I will keep paying for childcare despite him being here- will that be enough to prevent his being seen as main carer?

I am reeling - was actually looking forward to some head space this weekend and now it's going to be stomach-churning anxiety all the way.

Offred Fri 13-Nov-15 17:04:13

<sigh>

You are not having him sleeping in his car.

He is choosing to sleep in his car so you take him back.

Do nothing, he is a big boy.

How do you know he isn't in a hotel and just leaving strategic blankets/making strategic house calls to manipulate you?

Offred Fri 13-Nov-15 17:05:16

Have your headspace.

Develop the roll in your eyes for the next example of manipulative bullshit.

kerbs Fri 13-Nov-15 17:05:45

He's determined to be pathetic isn't he? It's his choice, ignore it.

My adult son told me that I was responsible for him, I disagreed, and he has made a life for himself. Toughen up OP or you will be taking a huge step back backward.

magoria Fri 13-Nov-15 17:06:03

Don't do it.

There must be places he can stay. Family, friends, hostels.

Joysmum Fri 13-Nov-15 17:08:47

You don't make him sleep in his car.

Seriously, stop making his choices your fault.

Step back, let him feel the force of the consequences his decisions have resulted in. If you don't, you'll always make yourself responsible for him and he'll never stand by his own choices in life.

Arfarfanarf Fri 13-Nov-15 17:10:04

come on. Don't fall for this manipulation.

Don't you see that this is what you are supposed to do.

wah wah I'm in my car

oh no, I can't have that, come sleep here

yay. I win.

If he wants to sleep in the car he's a big boy, let him

You aren't responsible for him. He isn't a pet you need to look after, he isn't a child you have to raise.

He is a grown up and he can take care of himself.

It isn't your job to fix things for him.

You think you're being nice but he sees it as weak.

TooSassy Fri 13-Nov-15 17:11:09

He's not sleeping in his car. If he is that's his choice. The vast majority of us have a network who would happily let us kip on their sofa in these circumstances.

Don't be pulled into his games. He's out. Keep him out

Amazemedontbeacunt Fri 13-Nov-15 17:11:23

Please don't fall for it flowers

amarmai Fri 13-Nov-15 17:14:48

op as he is ex you wd be making a huge mistake if you succumb to your emotions. Not sure what adult son has to do with this-does he live with you? Maybe he and his father cd get a place together-away from your house? Does he have prev for manipulating you, making you feel sorry for him? Listen to what you have told us = that he will be seen as the primary care giver-then you can live in your car maybe?Time to get tuff ,op.

petalsandstars Fri 13-Nov-15 17:20:45

Don't let him back in. He is playing you.

NettleTea Fri 13-Nov-15 17:38:24

whats happened to his friend? I bet the car sleeping is just to tug on the heart strings. He needs to get some work and find a bedsit. He didnt seem to have a problem when he left of his own accord 15 months ago.

thinkingmakesitso Fri 13-Nov-15 17:44:29

What a twat he is. At the end of the summer he spoke of 'trying not to work until Christmas' and now he's in the fucking car. The friend was always meant to be temporary and most of his friends can be odd and temperamental, so not surprised if that has fallen through.

I can't stand the thought of having him here, but I'm worried about the legalities and how it will look.

Offred Fri 13-Nov-15 17:45:56

Why are you worrying at all?

He is a grown man.

Just let him sort himself out.

If he wants to sleep in his car then let him.

Don't make it, or him, into your problem.

Goodbetterbest Fri 13-Nov-15 17:50:09

He has parents. He can stay there.

End of.

thinkingmakesitso Fri 13-Nov-15 17:51:37

Perhaps I should encourage him to stay at his mum's - 90 minutes away- and save up so he can move back to this area as soon as he can? He won't want to be away from the dc though.

Offred Fri 13-Nov-15 17:52:46

He's an adult man with kids.

He is more than capable of going to the council and presenting as homeless even if he didn't have parents...

That said I really seriously doubt he is ACTUALLY sleeping in his car, unless he is one of those masochistic narcissists who actually get their supply from the effect actually harming themselves has on other people...

BathtimeFunkster Fri 13-Nov-15 17:52:57

His living arrangements are nothing to do with you any more.

He's a grown man. You're not his mother.

Offred Fri 13-Nov-15 17:54:03

Do. Not. Get. Involved.

Seriously?! 'Maybe I should encourage him to stay at his mum's' well yeah if you want to be responsible for and blamed for everything in his life!!!

Goodbetterbest Fri 13-Nov-15 17:53:57

And actually you are assuming he is sleeping in his car. He hasn't said it is so.

Of course you can solve his problems. Yes of course you can carry him, support him mentally, emotionally and financially. But there will be consequences and he will abuse your good nature. The kids will think he has come home, that'll confuse them won't it?

Honestly, he is an adults he makes his decisions. He might not even be sleeping in his car. He wants to be your problem. He will ALWAYS be your problem if you allow him to.

Arfarfanarf Fri 13-Nov-15 17:55:26

why are you trying to manage him? Why do you feel he is your responsibility? He can take control of his own choices and make decisions for himself. It isn't down to you to guide him through all this. He's a grown up.
If he is ever to be your ex, you need to let go emotionally, see him as a fully functioning adult who has the responsibility of sorting his own shit out.

How did it come to this? You feeling like you need to rescue him or guide him or sort things out for him?

Are you able to just back off and let him handle it? See it as stuff he, as an adult, has to take care of? In order for you to mentally really see him as your ex and to stop feeling like you have to sort his life out for him?

wallywobbles Fri 13-Nov-15 17:56:58

Why are you making this your problem? It isn't. Learn to recognise the difference and take a very large step back.

Yes he will manipulate any "goodness" on your part so that you will end up inviting him to fuck you over.

DO NOT DO THIS.

Offred Fri 13-Nov-15 17:57:12

what help do you think you would be giving him there?

Do you think he is incapable of realising that he could stay at his mum's? Or maybe that he doesn't realise he can save money for a roof over his head?

Stop flying in and rescuing him and then complaining about him!

You are in the Karpman triangle -
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

Amazemedontbeacunt Fri 13-Nov-15 17:57:59

No, don't encourage him to do anything. He's a grown up. If he wants to stay at his mums he can make that decision. Just concentrate on you and DC wine

Sunnyminimalist2 Fri 13-Nov-15 18:00:27

Read this

www.gov.uk/emergency-housing-if-homeless

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now