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what will happen(9 Posts)
After years of being in a miserable marriage I have decided to end things with my h. We have a ds who is coming up to 12 months and live in a mortgaged house in both out names, although there's a bit of confusion about it.
When we got the house, h had been left 50k from his grandad, this was to help with a deposit. H didn't actually have a job at the time so his dad knew a lot of banking people organised us to talk to a lady at the bank who arranged a mortgage for us that we shouldn't have really got iyswim.
When we moved h was 'looking for a job' it was agreed that I would pay the bills until he got a job when we would split it equally. He got a job but it was considerably less pay than me so he would pay for the shopping and I would cover everything else. He got better paid jobs but nothing changed, he kept saying he would put money in the account but it never happened.
We stopped going out together, every now and then he would go out and come home absolutely off his face. He never lifted a finger around the house, it was all left to me. If I didn't do it, it didn't get done. He would sit around getting drunk every weekend and not do much else.
We pretty much stopped having sex, it was very rare. I somehow fell pregnant. My lovely dd was stillborn last year . This made me forget about my awful marriage and I just wanted to have a baby (I know, awful ) we started ttc and things got better. We were talking more, he was helping round the house and we were getting along. I then fell pregnant, and things changed dramatically again. My pregnancy wasn't an easy one. I was extremely anxious and having panic attacks etc. He never attended any hospital appointments with me and generally didn't seem interested apart from him and his whole family making it clear they 'wanted a boy'.
I had ds and it was a traumatic birth, ds ended up in special care. I was in hospital for a week.
When me and ds got out of hospital, I came home to an absolutely disgusting pig sty of a house. The house was a wreck and it stank. I was in tears as I was in so much pain and had to come home and start tidying.
H has generally not been interested in ds, he hasn't done a single night feed and has never got up with him in the morning. He will 'watch him' for about 30 mins a day at the weekend, less in the week, to allow me to put washing on etc, then he will moan that ds doesn't like him and is a 'mommys boy'.
Before my mat leave I kept telling h we needed to put away money for when I was on smp, h didn't bother and it was all left to me. A few months ago I was made redundant, we had a tax credits overpayment so I am living off £20 a week cb (just put in a claim for ca as I also care for my grandad). I kept telling h that I don't have the money for the bills and he keeps saying he will transfer it later but never does. I have used almost every penny of my savings to cover the bills while he paid for the shopping alone 'on a budget' and brought himself things.
I was going to wait until after x mas to leave as I couldn't bear the thought of arguments over who ds will go to on x mas day. But I can see it all coming to a head this month.
I can see from him coming home having brought things, he has not budgeted for the bills. So they won't get paid.
I don't know what advice I'm looking for, I just needed to get it down.
In all honesty I'm terrified. I don't have a clue what I'm doing. I have no where to go when it ends. I'm scared for ds, h's family are very well off and what if he tried to get custody of ds. Ds gets hysterical around his family, they don't bother with him so they are strangers to him. He doesn't like being with h after a while as h hasn't really bothered with him. And I worry about h being alone with him as he gets frustrated and shouts.
I'm just basically terrified
Please contact Womens Aid.
He is absolutely financially abusing you.
Get that logged.
You say he shouts and you are afraid. Please get this logged as well.
Has the abuse ever been physical? It doesn't matter if it hasn't to be honest. Womens Aid can recommend a good solicitor in your area.
Do you have any family you can go to? It doesn't matter if they are far away.
If not then get to CAB and get some advice on benefits, housing, maintenance etc....
If you feel safe enough then stay for a little while to get your ducks in a row.
Get passports, marriage certificates, bank statements, wage slips, anything you can, get that all together and hide it all in a safe place. Out of the house if you can.
Stop paying the bills. You don't have any money to do it so stop it.
He will have to take responsibility for that.
If you can get away then please do it.
Years ago he did hit me but not for years now. He is also one of these that say if I leave he will kill himself (I tried to leave before).
I don't know where any of his bank things are and ds and me don't have passports.
I have no where to go, i know he definitely would not leave the house.
It's so strange though and really confused me as if we speak about anything it will turn into a massive argument, then minutes later he will act completely normal like nothing has happened. He seems to be completely unaware of any problems in our marriage
Well if he has been physical before then you need to be careful.
He won't kill himself - it's all part of the emotional blackmail and abuse you have suffered at his hands for years now. It's to keep you in line and keep you there so you can remain his 'victim'
If he does, then that is down to him and not your issue (and will in fact make things far easier - sorry but that is the truth of it)
If you do get away and he threatens suicide then call the police immediately.
It will no doubt be to scare you into submission and only a threat and the police do not take kindly to this kind of thing and they will sort him out!
Contact Womens Aid and tell them all of this. They can help you with a safe exit plan.
You cannot stay in this situation. It is NOT normal and NOT OK.
Your poor DS will be learning some awful lessons about relationships and abuse.
YOU need to stop that cycle. Only you can protect yourself and your DS.
Womens Aid - 0808 2000 247. If you would rather then you can contact them via email firstname.lastname@example.org
He is also one of these that say if I leave he will kill himself (I tried to leave before).
The only response you need to make to that is "Fine, that's your choice."
Men who make threats like this are extremely unlikely to follow through (although I'm not saying it doesn't happen ever.)
He does sound very controlling and abusive. I agree with Hells that a conversation with Womens Aid would be a good place to start.
Do you have any family or close friends who could support you in leaving?
threatening to kill himself - textbook manipulation. Please call WA today. He sounds hell. And he is emotionally and financially abusing you so you need to get away.
He is well aware, he just wants to brush it under the carpet so you will stay.
Thank you all for the replies.
The wa e mail is very helpful as it's difficult to make calls in the day with ds as he likes to make as much noise as possible and when he's asleep he wakes up at the slightest noise.
I have told family that I am leaving and they are helping as much as they can. I haven't told them everything though as I just feel it will make things more difficult.
I always thought wa was for domestic violence victims but even if they could just recommend a solicitor that would be great.
His mother has never liked me and I just know that she will make it as difficult as possible for me aswell.
You are suffering and have been suffering domestic ABUSE for years.
They are there for anyone suffering abuse.
Doesn't have to physical. In fact emotional abuse can be worse in some ways. Please do seek their help and support.
Emotional abuse is just as valid as physical abuse. It can be more insidious in a way as you don't realise it is happening. Google the boiled frog analogy.
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