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Looking for "Date Night" ideas - reconciling

(24 Posts)
janaus Fri 13-Nov-15 05:23:01

Looking for any "Date Night" ideas from MNers please.
39 years marriage, and working on reconciling and getting over a "mistake" as DH calls it.
Any ideas would be great, home, or outdoors (spring in Australia)
Thanks for any thing you can come up with. Feeling more positive, want to make this work.

LucySnow12 Fri 13-Nov-15 06:09:22

Go for a hike or long walk which would allow you talk and focus on each other. Or maybe take a long drive somewhere. Good luck.

Joysmum Fri 13-Nov-15 08:19:39

I think the best ideas are those where you do/watch something together then have alone time after so you then have something to talk about.

WorzelsCornyBrows Fri 13-Nov-15 08:32:09

Why are you putting the thought in. Surely the effort should be his.

Only1scoop Fri 13-Nov-15 08:36:09

I'm sure he has tons of ideas as it appears to be his 'mistake'. He will be making a huge effort here or certainly should be.

Let him take the lead here.

Marilynsbigsister Fri 13-Nov-15 08:56:42

I would assume that the post is Because the OP's DH has asked OP what she would like to do. Honestly, Sometimes MN is so detached from real world and spoiling for a fight. Sorry OP , back to the question you asked before getting unsolicited instructions .

I would probably pick something like trying a taster session in a new sport, something neither have done before. (Any disabilities allowing ) eg. Fencing, archery, clay pigeons, curling etc... It will make you laugh and give you something to talk about afterwards besides his 'accident'.

wickedwaterwitch Fri 13-Nov-15 08:59:04

Can you do something you both love? We like films and art so a film or art exhibition or dinner would be a great evening or day out for us.

pocketsaviour Fri 13-Nov-15 09:21:07

A lot depends on individual taste of course, but my favourite sort of date night is a couple of drinks in a bar, followed by a good film (preferably something a bit more intellectual so there's something to discuss, if you know what I mean) and then a bit to eat afterwards.

janaus Fri 13-Nov-15 10:22:04

Thanks for your replies, interest and ideas.
After me spending 8 weeks in the spare room, last weekend he organised a surprise weekend away.
So, I want to show that I am willing to try, put the bad thoughts behind me, and move on together.
His idea is sweeping it under the carpet, move on.

janaus Fri 13-Nov-15 10:22:58

Think I have decided on a picnic, then movie.

RiceCrispieTreats Fri 13-Nov-15 11:26:38

ARE you willing to try, and to put the "bad thoughts" behind you? Do you want to join him in sweeping his "mistake" under the carpet?

Morganly Fri 13-Nov-15 11:38:56

Can I recommend that you read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, which will give you some helpful advice about how to recover from infidelity?

janaus Fri 13-Nov-15 14:15:43

Thank you for advice. Morgan, will look for the book.
Unfortunately OW started off as a customer at our work, DH made gates for her, I recently realised 7 months was a heck of a long time to keep contacting her, if it was work related only.
rice Crispie, I think I need to draw a line under the past, if I want to recover. The hurt and betrayal and trust issues will be there a long time.
Thanks for concern.

summerwinterton Fri 13-Nov-15 14:23:12

He needs to show remorse, honesty and put in the legwork here tbh. It is not your job to forget and ignore if it is unresolved. This is not your fault or your problem - him just minimising it as a mistake - well that is not fair on you at all. How can you trust him again?

Jan45 Fri 13-Nov-15 14:44:05

Mmmm, sorry but it was no mistake and yes it's being swept under the carpet, why were you in the spare room and not him?
It's going to take more than trips away, what happens when he makes a second mistake, not the right way at all to deal with this.
Sounds like you've been told to forget and move on, easy for him to say.

badtime Fri 13-Nov-15 14:50:23

Basically, you shouldn't have to show willing or make an effort.

It was his 'mistake' hmm , so he is the one who has to try to rectify it. He should be trying to rebuild your trust and your relationship, not wondering why you can't just pretend it never happened, or why one weekend away isn't enough to make everything all better.

girlguide123 Fri 13-Nov-15 16:04:46

a relationship is a two way street and I applaud Janaus for wanting to meet her husband half way and make an effort.

I hope you enjoy your picnic and things go well for you.

I would enjoy a visit to the theatre with drinks/early supper before hand. or a visit to a museum/gallery with lovely lunch. Live music would be good too, either a concert or at a smaller music venue like a bar.

janaus Fri 13-Nov-15 19:33:13

Thanks again for support. Yes, I have been told best to forget it and move on.
I have been messing with my head, obsessively searching old phone bills, going back years. It is not doing me any good, just so many what if's.
I am willing to meet him half way, and put in some effort too.
There will be no second chances if he plays around again.
So, if I put in some effort. I can't be blamed. Yes the blame was tried to be shifted to me, didn't show I cared, etc. lack of sex. Heck, we are older couple. Thought it was a different stage of our life together. Apparently not.
Anyway, time to make some new memories and quality time.

janaus Sun 15-Nov-15 05:09:23

Just wanted to let you know that Date Night went well. A total surprise for him. A few texts during the day. The picnic was in our back yard, seafood, nibbles, chocolate, strawberries and wine. Movie was ok. Al Pacino, Jennifer Garner. Afterwards was a bit hit and miss, haha, too much wine apparently.
Well, anyway, I've made an effort.

summerwinterton Sun 15-Nov-15 09:20:16

oh dear - blaming you for his infidelity. Sorry but please do not minimise what he has done. It is not your fault - it is his failing, not yours.

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 15-Nov-15 09:26:01

Searching through phone bills etc is utterly normal after that level of betrayal.

I'm sorry that you don't think your pain is valid.

Zippingupmyboots Sun 15-Nov-15 09:30:47

Yes you have made the effort (more than I would have done.) It's his turn next time.

JonesTheSteam Sun 15-Nov-15 10:25:40

janaus

My husband and I are 22 months on from my discovering his affair with a work colleague, so I know it is very possible to recover from this (although I would class us as still in recovery rather than recovered).

In all the time since the affair was discovered, he has never once attempted to blame me for the affair. Even right at the very start of this journey. He accepted it was his fault totally and utterly and has worked very hard to sort out why he did what he did and change.

He sorted out counselling for us both, he was always willing to talk about what he'd done, answered questions over and over, comforted me when I was upset. He sorted out weekends away and nights out and the childcare that was needed. He made sure I knew how much he loved me. He kept in contact during his work day (huge step for him as had always compartmentalised work / home completely which was prob one of the issues that led to the affair). He was affectionate, caring, willing to open up and most of all incredibly ashamed.

Not wanting to talk about it, wanting to sweep it under a rug is a natural reaction for your husband. Hell, it's a natural reaction for any human when they have done something wrong.

DH has said that he just wanted to run away, to not confront what he'd done, to try and escape it completely. He had to fight the feeling of wanting to do that for months. And he could have. The OW would have welcomed him with open arms (she was desperate to leave her allegedly unhappy marriage - not so desperate that she'd leave to be on her own mind. She still wanted her nice lifestyle, three holidays aa year etc., and knew she wouldn't be able to do that on her own salary.)

The important thing is he didn't run away. He didn't sweep it under a rug. He met it head on, talked about it. Told his family what he'd done. Allowed me to tell mine, and my friends.

Even now, if I feel upset or have a question he will do his utmost to answer or comfort me and reassure me.

Don't allow yourself to take the blame. It is all with your husband. Don't feel guilty for looking at phone bills. Completely natural. I did. It tore me up seeing how often they were in contact. But DH wasn't cross about that. He drove home from work immediately when I rang him sobbing and screaming about what I'd seen on his phone bill so he could talk to me.

Our relationship is very good now. We are both very happy. Obviously there is still an occasional wobble when I feel upset. But I know I can talk to him about it and I know that ultimately I will feel better for doing so. In fact I can talk to him about anything and I will feel better. And the same for him. He is the most open about his feelings he has ever been in the time I have been with him and it's great.

You must talk to him about your feelings. He must allow himself to hear your pain and accept all the blame. He must work hard to repair the hurt he has caused. Don't take too much of it on yourself or I think eventually you will come to resent that (and possibly him).

janaus Mon 16-Nov-15 05:29:17

Jones
This wasnt how I ever thought my life would end up. I guess it never is.
But time for me to try to get over things, if he is also willing.
Your post was amazing, just what I needed. Thank you for being so positive.
Hubby just doesnt "get it", he's said sorry, didnt mean anything, etc, has neatly brushed it under the carpet.
I'm not built that way, too emotional.
A lovely weekend away, and a 'romantic' picnic, is fine for now. But what happens when this rush wears off.
I do suspect he has minimised it, and more about 5 years ago, things were not good.
He has also admitted to a gambling addiction. Also dealing with that in his own way.
His OW was the one to end it, never wanted to see him again. So now I often wonder how long would it have gone on. Too many "what if's"
But anyway, thanks for your positive post, and everyone's support. Will be downloading the book recommended by another poster.

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