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i think my boyfriend is cheating

(46 Posts)
samsamsam85 Thu 12-Nov-15 19:32:09

Long time lurker but could use some advice/someone to tell me if im being paranoid or not
I have suspicions my boyfriend is cheating i guess these are the reasons why
We dont live together and he has his "mates" over quite alot when his mates are thete i can never get hold of him if i need to even though i can see due to us both using an app that he has his phone with him he just ignores the call, lies and says his phone was upstairs and he didnt hear it.
I have said many times i dont know what the problem is with him answering and saying so and so is here ill call you later as thats what i do and he says he will but doesnt
He has no sex drive at all with me but is quite vocal about women he fancies on the tv and his wild sexual past
He is massively secretive with his phone
My number isnt even stored in his phone as my name he just redialls off our last call as he says he knows just by looking which one is mine ( this makes me wonder if hes not actually with his mates and doesnt want my name flashing up on the screen if i call )
He is on an app we both use untill early hrs each morning and then grumpy as tired but if i say did you have a late night he lies and says he went to bed hrs before the app says he was last online
Last night on the phone to me he was falling asleep talking and said that he cant wait to see me tonight ( im not seeing him untill saturday )
He came round a bit on the phone to say bye and i said he was talking in his sleep and he got really panicky asking what was he saying ( i didnt tell him )
We had planned to spend tonight booking a holiday ( on the phone to each other ) but earlier he said his mate was coming round again but could still speak at some point
Roll forward a few hours and his phone is off, this never happens as hes obsessed with it so wonder if said "mate" is there!

AIBU, paranoid or would anyone else worry?
I have no idea how to prove either way but we are going away for a posh weekend away saturday for his bday and i dont want to spend tons of money on him if he is
Opinons would be welcomed smile

Supermanspants Thu 12-Nov-15 19:38:11

Go round to his house and see how he reacts

lavenderhoney Thu 12-Nov-15 19:38:57

Sounds like he has anther girlfriend to me. Sorrysad

Who is paying for this weekend away for his birthday? And will he be texting his "mate" and driving you mad? Take a friend instead if you've already paid for it, because he sounds very dodgy to me. Oh, and let him go, find someone nice.

Supermanspants Thu 12-Nov-15 19:39:14

Sorry . . . Meant to add go round on a night you think he may be with an OW.

Jhm9rhs Thu 12-Nov-15 19:41:02

Just go round and see.

samsamsam85 Thu 12-Nov-15 19:42:18

I cant go round as my kids are in bed and he knows this
Im paying for most of the weekend yes as his bday present
I dont know what to do sad

Rhubarbarian Thu 12-Nov-15 19:44:20

How long have you been together OP?

Hassled Thu 12-Nov-15 19:44:50

Even if he's not cheating (and it does sound like he is), do you really want to have a relationship with a person where there are so many issues? So much secrecy, so many doubts? That's not the sort of relationship I'd choose to have. There are nice straightforward blokes out there - he doesn't sound like he's one of them. Dump and run - find someone who doesn't make you second-guess yourself all the time.

winkywinkola Thu 12-Nov-15 19:45:28

I don't think his behaviour will change.

If you don't like it then I reckon you will have to bin him.

What is great about him?

SevenOfNineTrue Thu 12-Nov-15 19:46:46

Sorry but I think he might be secretly gay sad Always picking his mates over you, no sex drive, phone secrecy and paranoia, secrecy in general etc.

LeaLeander Thu 12-Nov-15 19:48:05

It doesn't sound very promising.

He doesn't want sex with you, doesn't seem keen to take your phone calls, is secretive, falls asleep while talking with you, belittles your concerns AND is perfectly willing for you -- presumably a single mum as you mentioned kids, so presumably with other pressing financial needs -- to stand him to an expenses paid holiday for his birthday?

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

category12 Thu 12-Nov-15 19:48:16

I think you should ditch him. You don't trust him. You don't need to know absolutely - but you do know he lies and isn't available to you. If there's no trust, what's the point?

Robotgirl Thu 12-Nov-15 19:50:40

Have you been together long, OP?
Sounds like he's just not that into you (sorry) and you could spend your energy and money on something more wonderful & worthwhile (your kids!)

Fluffybrain Thu 12-Nov-15 19:51:03

He sounds crap. Why are you with him?

ProfessorPickles Thu 12-Nov-15 19:53:53

If he's cheating or not, I think you'd be best to ditch him OP. Possessiveness over their phone is a big red flag and clearly he's being dishonest about how late he's staying up on his phone etc. It does sound like to me that he is cheating or at least doing something dishonest.
Don't waste your time and energy worrying about him, although I realise it is much easier to say than do!
Best of luck OP, I hope you're strong enough to not put up with this

Wotsitsareafterme Thu 12-Nov-15 20:44:48

He sounds awful. When do you actually see him? I mean how often? Does he have children?

samsamsam85 Thu 12-Nov-15 21:11:38

Sorry been on the phone to a friend, i dont think he does have a lady friend over tonight as he called too briefly but i said i had to go
I dont want to go away this weekend i keep thinking i will be sat there shelling out for everything while he taps on the phone to his mates and ill just be wishing i could go home
We see each other maybe twice a week one night in the week and one weekend night as he has joint custody of his child so has them 3/4 nights a week
Your all right hes just not that into me,
Bitter pill to swallow as i am that into him but i cant do this anymore
He gaslights constantly saying things didnt happen that did, or werent the way i remember them its crazy making and im fed up of feeling so anxious

Robotgirl Thu 12-Nov-15 21:31:21

He really doesn't sound like a catch, OP, & feeling anxious all the time isn't a good place to be.
Sounds like you have loads of positive stuff in your life. Maybe just move on.

VocationalGoat Thu 12-Nov-15 21:37:25

Oh dear... honestly, don't be afraid of going it alone. This guy is a downer and he sounds dull as dishwater. Leave room in your life for the real deal, not guys like the one you're with. I'd really think seriously about shutting the door on this one. flowers

donajimena Thu 12-Nov-15 21:42:00

All the behaviour you mentioned in your OP were exactly the same as my ex and guess what? (He wasn't secretly gay btw)
For goodness sake please take a friend on this weekend away flowers

samsamsam85 Thu 12-Nov-15 22:03:03

I think hes panicking im going to cancel the weekend as he keeps trying to call and sending msgs saying he loves me
The words mean nothing to me anymore and thats sad
Dont think we will be going on this weekend, i actually think he will be nice while we are away ( as he wants me to treat him to drinks, meals etc ) so im not worried that his behaviour while we are there will ruin the weekend i think its more likely to be mine iyswim as i cant pretend to be ok with him while im not

honeyroar Thu 12-Nov-15 22:08:54

Think of things that you and your kids could spend the money on and have a good time. Pick one of them and have a great day out without him.

Robotgirl Thu 12-Nov-15 22:09:29

Your call on this OP. Think carefully
He sounds like a massive piss taker.

samsamsam85 Thu 12-Nov-15 22:18:29

He is a massive pisstaker youre right

donajimena Thu 12-Nov-15 22:18:55

Im sorry OP. I'm with someone now who calls me when he says he will
sees me as often as he can
Includes me on his nights out.
If he ever displays the behaviour that my ex and your current partner did/do
I'm off!
I know you are into him but after the initial grief you will find someone so much better.
Even if you are single for a fair bit (as I was) once the dust has settled life is better without the gnawing anxiety

l think you should take that break though. Either alone or with a friend x

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