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How long does it take to get over a marriage ending due to an affair

(244 Posts)
ComeDownToMe Thu 12-Nov-15 11:32:52

Just that really. If the marriage was over 20 years, with kids, and you ended it after finding out he was cheating. How long before the hurt goes and you start moving on.

Wristy Thu 12-Nov-15 11:39:51

I've read on here most people say a month for every year you were together. So at over 20 years your looking at 2 at least. Although chances are you might never get over that big a betrayal. I'm not sure I could.

Bubbletree4 Thu 12-Nov-15 11:50:43

I think several years (would think minimum 2). Sorry about your situation.

ComeDownToMe Thu 12-Nov-15 11:52:49

I guess it will take a long time. A useful guide though thanks.

redteddy Thu 12-Nov-15 11:55:13

I'd say the hurt can stay for a long time but you start moving on when you decide you're ready and you deserve to. So I think it's up to the individual.

TempusEedjit Thu 12-Nov-15 11:58:50

I take it you're trying to find out how long before your DP's ex moves on? Apologies if I'm wrong.

fuzzywuzzy Thu 12-Nov-15 12:12:51

I don't think there's a hard and fast rule. It depends on how long it takes for the practicalities to be completed, how the cheating ex behaves towards his ex wife and children.

My FIL was incredibly fair to his ex wife and children in the divorce. He therefore has a close relationship with his children and his ex wife and him are civil. He does ensure he doesn't step on her toes and neither bad mouth the other. Which works well.

But his behaviour has left deep scars in his DC.

morethandoable Thu 12-Nov-15 12:29:07

I was in your position 4 1/2 years ago, had been together 28 years, married for 24 with 4 children between 16 and 21.
Personally, my epiphany was after 14 months, a rollercoaster 14 months I may add!
I don't think that it is an exact science though as there are many factors that will aid, or hinder, your recovery.

On a positive note, I can honestly say that mine, and my children's lives, have never been better... not sure that the same can be said for my ex.
You will get there, trust me.

hollieberrie Thu 12-Nov-15 12:38:09

My counsellor estimates 18-24 months to begin to get back to normal after deep grief / trauma / betrayal. I'm 15 months on and i'd say she's about right. Slowly getting easier but still far from great.
Sorry for your troubles OP.

ComeDownToMe Thu 12-Nov-15 12:39:12

Thanks for your comments, it is helpful. I am sincerely sorry to those of you who have been in the wife's situation.

I wanted to keep my OP to just the basic facts but I'm not the wife. Sorry if anyone feels I have been disingenuous, it was not my intention. I just wanted an idea of timescale in that situation.

TempusEedjit Thu 12-Nov-15 12:43:19

Then you could have asked "how long do you think it will take my DP's ex to get over his affair?" Or just googled - the one month per year of marriage is widely known.

You're not sincerely sorry at all.

MrsFring Thu 12-Nov-15 12:45:06

Christ, you've got some fucking nerve.

AnyFucker Thu 12-Nov-15 12:47:20


TheoriginalLEM Thu 12-Nov-15 12:52:44

i know someone who's partner left his wife and kids for her 2 years ago. She is still plastering how "mental"the ex is all over facebook. Tbh i only keep her on fb for entertainment value as its better than a soap opera. She, as it turns out, is a self absorbed cunt.

so yeah - it'll be a rough ride OP. I hope its worth it.

Goingtobeawesome Thu 12-Nov-15 12:53:37

shock. Just when you think you've read it all.

InTheBox Thu 12-Nov-15 12:58:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InTheBox Thu 12-Nov-15 13:02:12

I've just reported my post. Hope it gets withdrawn. You are incredibly disingenuous.

ComeDownToMe Thu 12-Nov-15 13:02:42

Tempus I just wanted an idea of the answer to my question. If I had posted your suggestion as a thread title posters would have focused on that and not the question.

Sorry I didn't think to google and if the adage of 1 month per year of marriage is widely known it wasn't by me.

Sorry I feel bad for getting sympathy on here.

Chucklecheeks Thu 12-Nov-15 13:10:49

You called Jane?

Alchemist Thu 12-Nov-15 13:11:18

ComeDownToMe You are a prize.

MrsFring Thu 12-Nov-15 13:12:32

What do you get out of this?

Alchemist Thu 12-Nov-15 13:12:42

No sympathy from me, chum.

TempusEedjit Thu 12-Nov-15 13:13:37

Then you could easily have posted the same opening guff with the addition of (not me, asking for someone else) or similar.

It doesn't take a genius to realise that on a forum such as relationships you would get a number of people responding with their own painful experiences.

I guess it's that lack of awareness that enables you to make the life choices that you do.

MyLifeisaboxofwormgears Thu 12-Nov-15 13:14:02

If the poor woman has to hand her kids over to the exH and a total stranger who are both proven liars then I guess she won't get over it till the kids are old enough to ask to not go there anymore.

Wristy Thu 12-Nov-15 13:15:19

Oops, just been back. Not nice. It's none of your business how long she takes to get over your affair.

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