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Thought it would get easier

(12 Posts)
Lostandfounddad Thu 12-Nov-15 11:25:58

I was watching the first episode of Frasier earlier (love that show), and Frasier went into a speech with one of his callers, who was having trouble getting over a failed relationship. He likened it to mourning, not for the ex, but for the life that they thought they were going to have. It really struck a chord with me, but the thing is my wife left me 3 years ago! How have I failed to let it go and move on?!

I've had relationships since, but they have always been doomed to fail. I was in them to tackle the loneliness, rather than to be with the person, and I ended up hurting them - which I hated myself for. It's been 18 months since my last relationship ended and I don't see myself anyway near being ready for one.

I resent my ex so much for taking away the life I had planned. We have 2 beautiful children, and I thought we had a perfect marriage, but then out of the blue she said she wasn't happy and I found out about another man. She now has the life in the country with him, with dogs/chickens/cottage - things we always planned to have together. I, meanwhile, am struggling to cope financially in a flat. Yet even with the resentment and anger towards her I miss her, how stupid is that?!

My kids are my world, I went part time so I could have 50/50 custody, but even after a perfect day with them I miss being in a 'traditional' family. This is in no way a slight to single parent families, I realise families come in all shapes and sizes, and the kids growing up in happy homes is much more important than mum and dad staying together. However, the thing I loved about parenthood, when we were still together, was sharing new experiences and firsts, and I find myself so incredibly lonely now. I realise I'm suffering, to some extent, from depression, however I'm an incredible proud (some would say stubborn) person, who does not find talking about his feelings easy. I'm tired from putting on a brave face at work, and especially in front of the smalls.

I realise I need to do something, to change my mind set, but in the meantime, I hoped writing some of these things down might help. Thanks for reading. Now, to continue my craft project, I've got 2 capes to finish for superhero day at school for children in need.

redteddy Thu 12-Nov-15 11:49:07

Do you think you would have written something as thoughtful and honest as this post, three years ago? While you may still feel some resent towards your ex now, I'll bet it's a lot less than it was three years ago.
I think you should give yourself some credit. There's no quota to hit; you don't have to be completely over it in 3, 5 or even 10 years.
You just can't allow it to get in the way of achieving and fulfilling the things you always wanted to do.
It sounds like you're nearly there; you're taking ownership of your feelings and realising you need to make a change to achieve thing things you want (and deserve!).

Writing things down, in a diary or on MN, is a great start to dealing with feelings that your pride may not necessarily want you to admit publicly. So if you feel it helped, keep doing it smile

Lostandfounddad Thu 12-Nov-15 18:41:58

Thank you redteddy. I guess I am in a better place than I was but sometimes it feels like everything is getting too much. I want to be the best dad I can but feel all my issues are holding me back. On the plus side I finished the capes.

LucySnow12 Thu 12-Nov-15 22:01:21

Lostandfound I have read some of your posts in the past. I really feel for you. We all suffer disappointments in life. What helps me is remembering that sometimes, in order to move forward, we have to be willing to let go of the life we had planned and embrace the life that is awaiting us. You sound like a lovely dad. Reach out to other people. Everyone is looking for human connection.

InisMor Thu 12-Nov-15 23:01:07

Hi Lost, I can really relate to how you are feeling.
When my marriage ended, I was heartbroken. I got such an ache inside every time I saw a family together.
I didn't want him back, I wanted the person I thought he was. That person never existed though.
If I think of him it is with a bitterness because he broke my heart, destroyed my children's home and family life and shattered my future dreams.

Cassawooff Fri 13-Nov-15 14:18:28

I understand exactly how you feel too. It is hard when you no longer have the family unit you thought you'd have. I never had kids to bring them up as a single parent.

And I'm not doing well moving on either. I desperately wanted my marriage to work. We weren't happy but nothing, having identified and finally had all the issues come out that couldn't have been fixed if he'd wanted to. I still struggle to accept he could leave us all.

There are other threads on here about how long it takes to move on, and it's mixed. Well done for trying new relationships, I am sure when the time is right, it will fall into place. I'm trying CBT and have just been recommended a book to try which seems to get rave reviews on Amazon (haven't got it yet).

Lostandfounddad Wed 18-Nov-15 23:14:43

Cassawoff - did the book come? Any good?
LucySnow 12 - I know I need to reach out to people. So many times people have asked me how I'm doing (because there is obviously something wrong) and I've been close to actually telling them how I feel, but I chicken out. I think that they've probably got their own problems, they don't need to hear my self pity, so my default answer is 'i'm fine'. I have no close friends locally, I have colleagues but I've always kept them at a distance. My closest friends are 3 old uni mates but they are scattered around the country now, living their lives with their wife's and children. I've told them I'm struggling a bit with money/depression, and they want to help, but I'm just so embarrassed by my situation that I actively avoid talking to them. They have their successful lives to live.
I hate how I sound sometimes, because of the self pity, and then I get angry with myself. I know I should be grateful for my kids (trust me, I am, I worship them) and my job, which lots of people want to do. But I keep coming back to the things I haven't got, and I hate that.
I tried going to a 'dealing with low mood course', but I just got frustrated with it, and me. I knew all the theory about vicious circles and breaking them, and yet I couldn't apply it to me. All the exercises they have us to complete I couldn't motivate myself to do - how stupid is that? I want to get better but I couldn't even motivate myself to take steps to help myself?!

wynkenblinkennod Wed 18-Nov-15 23:38:09

I am so sorry you are going through this too. I am 2 years 8 months on from finding out my ex was having an affair. I have struggled hugely with many things too and I know I will never get answers. We were together a long time and our children are grown up but they have been left absolutely devastated by his actions. And they only see him for a couple of hours every 4 - 6 weeks,ashe moved away without telling them where he was going.
I can only say to you to do what you can. Be kind to yourself, accept every invite you get, and try to 'fake it till you make it'. I have done lots of things since my ex left, things I never thought I could do. Yes, there is a huge scar, yes sometimes I still cry, sometimes I go through the motions, but I am also determined to not let this define me. Sometimes I have ached so much by it I do not think I will ever recover, but I will do my best to live a good life. I laugh, I see friends, family, I do everything I am meant to do and I can only hope that maybe through time I will also love again.
I wish you all the best, it is so very hard.

Lostandfounddad Tue 24-Nov-15 19:32:30

Divorce papers were waiting for me today when I got home. Knew they were coming but still shook me up. Currently drinking a large glass of wine and feeling very alone.

elizalovelace Wed 25-Nov-15 07:55:33

Didn't want to read and run,divorced myself,it stings alright.However life goes on, our children need us,we go on for them,faking it till we make it,and we dosmile.In the meantime concentrate on giving your children the best Christmas you can,the planning etc will keep your mind focused on other things. Start new traditions,but remember to be kind to yourself too. Post here when you feel lonely,there are lots of lovely,kind,caring posters here.

FredaMayor Wed 25-Nov-15 08:57:53

OP, changing your mindset can be a difficult thing, but for me it happened of its own accord in the sense that one day I realised that I didn't care anymore. I felt massively liberated, because before I had felt too sentimental about the ex-relationship to let go. Don't let regret for the lost dream steal your future from you.

mulberrybag Wed 25-Nov-15 09:17:37

I'm in the same situation as you lost, only not so far down the line. Everyday is filled with the greatest sadness because all I ever wanted was a family unit, not to be a single mum missing my children when they are visiting their dad. It's broken my heart and I don't think I'll ever recover or indeed be the same person I was. I do think you should chose one friend and bare all, yes everyone has their own problems but i would hazard a guess at them at the very least lending an ear. Nobody will have a solution, because as far as I can see there isn't one, but I guarantee you will feel some relief at off Loading. I am taking myself to the Drs this week, I am tired of feeling so utterly broken, and need to admit that I actually need help coping. Also counselling, I'm going to look into that - I refuse to roll over and let him ruin the rest of my life with sadness, I also miss him dreadfully, physically I long for him but in reality it's only the yearn for what could have been not what it actually was.
Sorry for the ramble, I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone flowers

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