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Friendship group difficulties

(4 Posts)
StillDrSethHazlittMD Thu 12-Nov-15 08:55:31

Trying to keep it short. I think I just have to find a way to suck it up but it's not easy.

Group of six of us, good friends, same hobby, tend to get together socially every other weekend round at someone's house or cinema and a meal. We call ourselves "The Family". One married couple, four singles.

One of the singles has just started seeing someone and so he's started to come along too. He is a nice guy, which is why I feel a bit of a git about this, but...

He is the reason my last long-term relationship broke up. Not his fault, to be fair to him. But I came home one day to find my ex in floods of tears because she'd heard he had cancer and was having very strong treatment. She'd known him for years and had been meeting him for coffee (which a lot of people were doing to help him through). Turns out that she'd always had a thing for him, unknown to me, and now he might be dying, she basically decided our relationship was over and she was going to support him in his hour of need. She ended up declaring undying love for him which he knocked back as he was not interested in that way.

He, at the same time, declared love for my female best friend - very publicly on a blog he was writing to help him through his ordeal - who had no interest in him. He then wrote that she had turned him down (without naming her) and other friends of his responded that "she must be a cow to turn down such a nice guy, especially now". This understandably upset my friend enormously.

So, my best friend is also in this group. Every time he turns up, she is reminded of this incident and I am reminded of the break up of my LTR. We're both finding it a bit tricky, me more than her. I know it wasn't his fault my ex did what she did, but it brings back a very upsetting hurtful time for me.

Am I being a git in backing off from the group as a result? We're such a tight-knit bunch and they've noticed I'm a lot more "busy". I do wonder if I would mind less if I hadn't been single for 5 years.

TheHouseOnTheLane Thu 12-Nov-15 09:16:09

God she sounds very insensitive! I'd stop asking her to come!

thewookieswife Thu 12-Nov-15 09:22:59

So all this happened 5 years ago ? And now he's in remission ? Still poorly ? But still chugging on with life, regardless of being snubbed by your friend and shaking off the unwanted advances from your ex. He's obviously dealt with the issues and had moved on ...
If he can - while poorly - then you can too!!!
Take inspiration from the fact that he's has crap to wade through... But he's done it and is strong enough to come to your social events .
Explain to the others you've been absent because you felt hurt and awkward - but now you've realised that what's in the past is in the past - stride out with all your friends, including this brave chap, and start living in the now !!! You have your whole life ahead of you!! Don't waste a second wallowing in what was out of your control in the past ! Live for the now !!!

Optimist1 Thu 12-Nov-15 09:27:10

It sounds as though this man's illness generated a great deal of emotion in your circle of friends.

He chose to declare his love for your best friend online instead of in person; she turned him down but is still uncomfortable with the fact that some of his other friends expressed their sympathy to him in a clumsy way. Your ex was moved to declare her love for the man in question in spite of the fact she was in a LTR with you. Surely after 5+ years you can see that she wasn't as committed to your relationship as you had hoped (and therefore wasn't right for you)?

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic because I understand how unsettling it can be when the dynamic of a friendship group changes, but the fact is that such groups rarely remain unchanged over a long period of time. People get new demands on their time or develop relationships with others outside the group or move away or just change their priorities. I think you should look back on the good times when The Family was how you liked it but face up to the fact that it looks as though it might have run its course. There's nothing to say that you can't continue to socialise with those who aren't involved with the interloper, or to hope that his new relationship founders and things return to "normal" though!

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