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Help! I don't want to call my husband an idiot but...(47 Posts)
So obviously I don't want to resort to name calling and being outright mean but I'm seriously losing my sanity here! My husband (like many men I'm sure) is impatient and never stops to think or read anything! By this I mean apparently speed limit signs, parking signs, instructions. You name it! My problem is that I'm the one dealing with his shouting and swearing about the washing machine making too much noise, him getting parking fines etc. And we don't have the money to pay for all his mistakes! He got a parking ticket which he swore he wasn't paying because he was allowed to park there, swore blind there was no yellow lines, markings or signs. There was a single yellow line and a bright yellow reflective sign saying no parking mon-sat 8am-6pm right where he parked. In the past two years he has got three speeding fines that he is adamant aren't his fault (because clearly they are someone else's fault???) and resorted in fines of £100 each and six points on his license meaning increase in our car insurance premiums. Then there's the washing machine!!! He fitted it without instructions claiming he knew what he was doing and didn't need them (probably common with men) but he didn't know! This machine was brought by my nan as a present because our old one broke and this close to Xmas we couldn't afford a new one having already done the Xmas shopping. So when I use the machine and it shakes the crap out of my kitchen its obvious something is wrong. He blames the machine, shouting and swearing about it and despite me reading the instructions and asking if he removed the transit bolts he refuses to look at the instructions or sort the machine out. After three days and the machine jumping out of its gap and tearing our lino I pull it out, find the transit bolts that he swore didn't exist and removed them. Luckily the machine now works fine and wasn't damaged by being used with them in. Just the floor. But seriously?! How can I explain to my husband to stop and read and think before doing things without him ripping my head off and getting in a strop over it? We don't have the money for him to keep breaking everything and getting fines for not looking at signs!
Maybe he has an issue with reading/his sight and he's too embarrassed to admit it?
Maybe he does have a reading or sight issue? If not, then I'm afraid he does sounds like a really annoying, arrogant dickhead
He is a pillock. Not many effective cures for that I'm afraid. Are there other areas of his life where he flaunts authority or refuses to take responsibility for the consequences of his actions?
He has no sight problems and he can read enough to do his job and he can read posts on facebook so he has no problem reading at least enough to read basic English. He doesn't flaunt authority that I've noticed in the past decade we've been together but he has always been impatient and not really worried about consequences. I guess I'm wondering if there is some sort of mental help he can get or support I can offer in a non-patronising way to improve the situation. He's not the sharpest tool in the shed, he struggles with academic stuff but he isn't stupid. He has a full time job and a normal life with no other issues so I guess I'm just trying to see if there's a way to make him just slow down a bit. Gain a bit of patience. He has none and its beginning to rub off on me because I'm sick of him botching things and then getting angry over his own mistakes and I'm sick of getting my head bitten off for suggesting he made a mistake. I mean I read the instructions then sorted the washing machine myself and simply pointed to the bolts on the side and explained that they were in the back and next time he should read the instructions because now the flooring is ruined. He starts losing his temper like I've done something horrid and telling me from now on he wont do anything and I can do it all myself.
He sounds like a dick but please stop saying his dickishness is "probably common with men". It isn't and lazy sexism shouldn't be tolerated in either direction.
I'm not trying to be sexist I just assumed a lot of men were like that. I've been with him for 10 years and I'm 27 so I only really had one other long term boyfriend before my husband to go by.
It sounds to me like he has problems with literacy. Maybe he is just too lazy to read things or is a bad, arrogant, inconsiderate driver. If he can't read, I'd be inclined to have more sympathy. But he doesn't sound very nice to live with
I'll call him an idiot for you then.
And I'll call you a nincompoop for putting up with it and being patronising and sexist "My husband (like many men I'm sure) is impatient..." and many other examples in your post.
I realise this may seem a little harsh and I don't wish to offend but .... deal with it!
Has he always been like this or is it a recent thing?
He sounds like a total arse [sorry] but my FIL was like this and gradually got worse over a period of time. Turned out to be a brain tumour affecting his peripheral vision and generally turning him into an aggressive arse.
But otherwise - everything that Twitterqueen said.
OK, his behaviour is completely out of order. He sounds incredibly impatient, rather than incompetent, and lacking in a sense of responsibility. I don't think his shouting and swearing at you is at all on, either - it sounds very controlling and bullying to use anger to deny his own blame in these cases. I'm tempted to ask what you DO get out of this relationship, because he really doesn't sound very nice and you don't have to put up with that kind of behaviour.
Is there a way that you can increase his sense of responsibility for the fines? For example, by agreeing with him that if he gets a ticket, the associated costs will come out of his personal money for something he enjoys, be that gigs, the pub, sports, games, whatever?
I wonder if there is any way you can swap jobs around the house, so that he does some routine stuff where he can't cause any damage (and where there are no instructions to follow), and you do the fitting of things like the washing machine?? The fact that you were able to pull it out and remove the bolts suggests to me that you are extremely capable! However, any work you take on needs to be compensated for by him taking other jobs off you.
Washing machines have 'feet' that can be screwed up/down to level it, maybe that's why it's shaking. You could do this yourself it takes a few minutes.
My DH can be impatient too at times so I can relate to that bit of your post, I just call him a man child, he hates that phrase.
Sorry, missed the post about the bolts!
My dp was somewhat like this too. Launched into projects without finding out how to do things properly, getting frustrated when things went tits up (cue insane swearing), then abandoning project half finished.
What helped was us moving house when I was pregnant. He took time off work to get the house ready. I had a chat with him about how much it would mean to me for everything to be right, but after that I left him to it, gave him sole responsibility for making lots of decisions. He did a really good job and picked up some skills on the way. He now takes pride in getting jobs done. Still lots of swearing, but much improved.
My DH was infamous for not reading things either. Mercifully he's taken to reading more as he's got older.
It makes life so much more stressful for you and he will get grumpier as time passes wondering why the world's out to get him. I don't know if that's his upbringing or just his take on things.
Do you have children together?
He's not an idiot for having (possible) issues with literacy, but he is acting like an idiot if despite all these consequences (parking fines, broken washing machine) he still insists that it is the world doing something wrong rather than him.
I do sympathise because my DH is a bit similar; perfectly literate but terribly impatient. Thankfully he has enough humility to own up to it when his own culpability becomes very very apparent. He doesn't LIKE it, admittedly (and launches into tirades about how the world should not be constructed so stupidly) but he does change his behaviour and generally the problems don't recur.
I just want to add: do you have any children? Please don't let any boys think it is ok to be impatient like daddy (or that they're not capable of sorting such things out themselves), and don't lead girls into thinking that mummies always sort out the problems caused by daddies because daddies can't do it themselves. Whether you realise it or not, it's sexism. Boys and men are perfectly capable - they may just not want to be.
My DP is much the same. Total dickhead when it comes to certain things he claims he 'knows' when actually he is just wrong and being a plonker. I read the instructions now and he does as he is told. I also tell him he when he is in the wrong with driving.
One that comes to mind is him swearing blind he had right of way on the way out of a supermarket. He was pulling out in front of traffic really aggressively and ranting that the car in front was waiting. I informed him there were dashed lines that dictated he was wrong and I'd lived there 15 years and knew the road markings like the back of my hand, but he still couldn't accept he was wrong. Another example is him not indicating that he is going round a roundabout as it's his right of way and people should just
emergency stop as he appears. To my mind his way of driving is argumentative, intimidating and makes no allowances for anyone else's mistakes. Yet he considers himself a superior driver. Numpty!
he has always been impatient and not really worried about consequences.
And that is the problem, along him getting angry at everything else but him.
Do tell him this behaviour is unacceptable. All of it.
The problem is what if he doesn't change and still don't care. What are you prepared to do about it?
Granted, I don't read instructions but only with things I know how to do!
Come on, installing a washing machine is pretty basic stuff, if your not going to read the instructions then be man enough to admit it and get someone else to do it.
There is no shame in admitting that you can't do something.
There is no excuse for parking or speeding tickets and regardless of your opinion or what he thinks the best thing is to pay them straight away. Often with parking tickets it's cheaper to do so within a certain number of days.
He sounds very arrogant to me, it's never his fault, always someone elses.
Not a good trait to have!
More likely he is causing stress.
What is the stress diagnosis based on?
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