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Argument with dp

(3 Posts)
VicWillia Thu 12-Nov-15 08:34:39

Its silly really but I'm still upset. We've barely spoken since.

Background - dp and I have been together for 2 years, we're engaged. In the last 6 months or so dp has been withdrawing from me physically. We used to have sex most days, this gradually dwindled to 3-4 times a week but I figured that was normal and I was happy with that.
However, lately he is not interested in sex at all. I will try to get him in the mood, kissing and that, and most of the time he doesn't even get aroused.

This leaves me feeling rejected and confused. I asked him if he still fancied me, he assures me he does, he blames it on stress at work. Thing is, he only does a part time office job! I'd understand if he had a tough, physical job but he doesn't. I do a similar job, with more hours, and I still want to be close to him.

Am I right to be worried that he is going off me? I'm just confused because one minute he is discussing our wedding and next he isn't wanting to be close to me.

jessebuni Thu 12-Nov-15 09:23:27

When it comes to men going off sex it usually isn't anything to do with the woman at all. Its usually a mental thing for him. It could be that he is feeling stressed that his job I only a part time job. Maybe he is at risk of losing his job? Maybe he feels pressured to prove himself at work to get a better position? Maybe it isn't actually work but some other worry, money, family etc. I would try dropping the sex conversation for a short while because asking why he doesn't want you could make him feel more like there is something wrong with him. Try asking him about his work and what is stressing him out. Ask if there's anything he'd like to talk through or vent about. Whilst I can understand your frustration with the fact you do as much if not more work than him and he is claiming to he stressed, mentioning this to him will also probably make him feel worse and probably defensive. If after say a week of trying to talk more and asking him to share the load a little you're still feeling like he's closing up maybe try a date night? A good old fashioned change in routine date. Something like this helps separate you from your daily lives a bit and might help jump start some romantic feelings. Or you could always just try stripping off and playing in front of him and seeing if he decides to join in but that's probably not what a relationship councillor would recommend lol

MarkRuffaloCrumble Thu 12-Nov-15 09:35:19

Whatever it is that's causing him to withdraw from you, there's no point getting married if you can't talk about it.

Next time he starts discussing your wedding tell him you can't commit to at future with someone who won't discuss the very basics. Whatever reasons he has given you, they haven't been conveyed in a way that makes them believable so he needs to try harder to talk about this properly in a way that will make you feel loved and desired.

Even if he's not aroused, there's no reason why he can't still do nice things for you. Do you still have physical affection in other ways? Kissing, massaging, hugging etc? If not, the stress excuse really doesn't wash. My DP was stressed about work yesterday and he laid his head on my lap while I stroked his hair etc., we still cuddled and kissed as much as ever. In a partnership it's about support. If his way of dealing with stress is to withdraw from you, there's not much hope of getting support from him when you need it either.

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