Childhood issues - what do you think

[PippaFawcett]

Currently NC with DM and I am getting pressure from other families to reinstate it for the sake of my children.

DF died suddenly when I was a child, DM got married to stepfather in secret while we were at school and we were told over dinner when we got home. Several weeks later we were moved from Scotland to south England, away from our school, friends and family.

Shortly after our arrival, stepfather started sexually abusing me. I attempted to tell DM once but was brushed off and there was no culture for us to complain about his general bullying etc. He died when we were adults after we told our DM about the abuse and although she did eventually leave him, she still nursed him through cancer to the end.

Now I am a mother I can't bear to look at her. She has been a good mother since his death and everyone feels (wider family, DH is v supportive) I should leave things in the past, she claims she was taken in by him and is a 'victim too'.

I mentioned the wedding thing at work in passing today and my colleague was completely shocked that my DM would do that and it made me think they don't know the half of things and perhaps being NC is the right decision. No idea what is normal or reasonable anymore

[timelytess]

Get some help - counselling. I need that 'get counselling' button again. You must have had help already, I hope?


Don't let others pressure you into being in touch with your DM if it will make you unhappy.

[PippaFawcett]

Oh yes, I have had counselling before. To be honest, I can't afford any more counselling - it is £30 plus an hour around here - and I didn't find it particularly useful but I understand that I probably didn't find the right person or method.

I also generally don't want to keep going over things, I want to enjoy my life.

[cailindana]

You were abused by both your stepfather and your mother. There is no reason for you to ever talk to her again if you don't want to. Sorry you went through that, it shouldn't have happened.

[PippaFawcett]

Thanks CailinDana, it seems so simple when it is words on a screen but I am being ostracised by the wider family for daring to drop out of family events etc so it is making me question everything.

[cailindana]

I was also abused as a child (not by a family member). I've heard many people express disbelief that abuse carries on for years and goes unnoticed but the sad fact is, whole families get involved, it's like a sort of collective delusion where everyone knows things are wrong but just they just ignore it.

It is great that you are able to say no, actually, my feelings do matter. Hold onto that, it is crucial when recovering from abuse.

[PippaFawcett]

Sorry to hear you were abused too. Collective delusion is a good way to sum up what is going on. I am so angry at the stuff my mother openly knew about - not the sexual abuse - but the throwing of my teenage brother against a wall for coming in late etc. But she can, in her mind, explain everything away. My brother was 'difficult' - of course he was, our house was oppressive.

[cailindana]

My mother was and is in total denial. I am very low contact with her. I am more angry at her than my abusers as she was supposed to love and protect me and she didn't.

[PippaFawcett]

Did she know? Ignore the signs? Put herself first? I wonder if she/my mum had to face being complicit in the abuse they couldn't live with themselves and therefore denial is easier.

[cailindana]

The abusers were friends she worked with. When I told her as an adult it was clear she already knew and she basically said she had to work with them to get enough money. It was all 'poor me' and frankly she made me feel like the abuse was just an annoying side effect of a necessary transaction. She implied it happens to everyone and that I should get over it.

She's an emotionless idiot.

[PippaFawcett]

She sounds delightful. I can see why you are LC. Will you see her over the Christmas period? I'm not planning to.

[cailindana]

It's worth remembering that the people who criticise you for being NC do so purely for selfish reasons. They don't care one bit how you feel - it's all about making themselves feel better. You shouldn't listen to a word they say.

[cailindana]

Nope, I'm in a different country so won't see her till next Easter probably. We Skype every couple of months. I tell her nothing about my life. It's all a bit pointless really but I can't quite get to the NC level.

[SuckingEggs]

Pippa, do what feels right for you. Otherwise, you'll suffer. It will be incredibly stressful and no doubt you'll might be told, "There, it wasn't such a big deal..."

[PippaFawcett]

I remember her saying to us after we told her "He wasn't all bad." I do think she was shocked but even so, I think I would feel only anger and guilt if I had been her.

[PippaFawcett]

Cailin, lucky you being in a different country - is that related to this situation? My sibling lives in Canada particularly because he wanted to escape our background I think.

[PippaFawcett]

Thanks Sucking. CailinDana, you were right when you said they don't care how I feel, that has been made very apparent but they would never be able to see it.

[Mrsrochesterscat]

Just because their line of tolerance is different to yours, doesn't make your decision wrong.

I too am nc with DM, the rest of my family disagree. I'm "nasty" for not accepting she did the best she was capable of. They try to push her on me at every opportunity. I now keep them at a distance too because every time she is mentioned I get flashbacks. They probably don't. Doesn't change how I feel.

[cailindana]

I moved away for DH's job but it was the best thing for me. TBH I think it suits her too. She doesn't love me or even like me very much but she does miss her grandkids (my kids).

[PippaFawcett]

MrsRochester, despite me reiterating that I am happy to meet up individually I only get invited to family gatherings when she will be there. It is sad as I now feel like I have no extended family, do you feel similar?

[PippaFawcett]

Do you let her see your children, Cailin?

[Mrsrochesterscat]

That's exactly what happens with me, and exactly how I feel - like I have no family. It does make me feel really sad sometimes. But most of the time I am proud of myself for having the strength to step away. My life is much less stressful now I'm not defending my decision all the time. And I've realised how much drama they always have in their lives, being away from that makes life much lighter too :)

[Mrsrochesterscat]

Just to add, I used to let DM see my children. Not anymore, and I wish I never had.

Your circumstances may be different, but allowing my children to see her has caused so many issues for my children. I wouldn't advise it if your mum is the type to minimise your opinions. She may try to bring your children into her circle and try to "prove" how unjustly you have treated their poor DGM.

[cailindana]

I do let my DM see my children, but she only sees the them for a total of about 20 days a year. I wouldn't leave them alone with her for any extended period.

[PippaFawcett]

MrsRochester, I am glad you can feel proud of your decision. I think it would help if I was geographically further away from them all/social media didn't exist etc.

[Theymakemefeellikeshit]

I would also be questioning what contact I was having with the other families if they think this is all ok.

As far as you DC are concerned if she couldn't/wouldn't protect you what to say she could/would protect your DC.