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This will sound pathetic but I am still angry at Dp

(17 Posts)
Lemonylemoncake Wed 11-Nov-15 21:40:30

Been with Dp 9 years, had our DD two years ago. DD started to sleep through at three months, which I know is really good. However, Dp never did a night shift with her. She was mixed fed for 6 weeks then formula as I found bf hard.

Round about 8 weeks after DD was born, I was so exhausted I begged him to take her for a night. She would feed at 10pm, 1 am, 4 am then 7 am. All he offered was to get up at 4, not have her for a night so I could sleep. I was literally sobbing.

The selfishness of it still bothers me, he could see I was dead on my feet yet he couldn't give me one night. Has anyone else experienced this? I know it was a while ago now but I am still annoyed about it tbh

MooPointCowsOpinion Wed 11-Nov-15 21:41:51

Have you asked him about it? It sounds like you need to put it to rest with him, so you can move on.

alicemalice Wed 11-Nov-15 21:44:42

I had this too and eventually became ill. He wouldn't help.

We broke up many years down the line. It still stayed with me that he let me get ill. It was symptomatic of selfishness in other areas too though.

Lemonylemoncake Wed 11-Nov-15 21:45:03

Yes I asked him. He just said he didn't know what was expected. How could he not see how tired I was? I didn't even get a break before DD arrived. Got sent to hospital after midwife check up at 38 weeks. I was still working

Handywoman Wed 11-Nov-15 21:45:26

What is he like with dd now?

alicemalice Wed 11-Nov-15 21:46:22

Sorry I mean I got ill through sleep deprivation.

imsorryiasked Wed 11-Nov-15 21:51:36

Have you thought about counselling - just to talk it through with someone impartial may help you either lat it to rest or decide what you need from your dp?

CakeMountain Wed 11-Nov-15 21:56:36

How does he normally respond when you are needing something from him? Sometimes needy people are too painful to some people.

TinyDancer69 Wed 11-Nov-15 22:05:27

It is clearly still an issue because he basically failed you when you needed him most. My experience was similar and I then began to keep a mental note of all the ways my exDP refused to support me. I don't recommend that because my resentment just increased as I kept a tally. But it was symptomatic of his selfishness and he then cheated on me when my DS was only 7 months old, if not before. He was a selfish ass.

Please talk to your DP and resolve this because it won't go away on it's own. He let you down and needs to acknowledge that - then you can hopefully moved passed it (if all else in your relationship is good ).

Good luck - I know how you're feeling and it's not a nice place to be flowers

LeiaOrgana Wed 11-Nov-15 22:19:52

I think how he is with dd, and in general, now is relevant. If it was a temporary blip, then yes he was selfish and a dick but I'd be trying to put it behind me if he now pulls his weight and is a good parent and partner.
If he still leaves all childcare to you then he's still a dick and I'd be having strong words.

My DH doesn't get up with our baby because he's breastfed and will only feed back to sleep. I'm on my knees but there's nothing that can be done there until we manage to get him onto formula. However he gets up with our other children so I can have a lie in when possible, and practically forces me to nap when I can. He works full time but does a fair share of housework, and stuff with the kids is shared.

LeiaOrgana Wed 11-Nov-15 22:21:06

Either way, it doesn't sound pathetic at all btw.

Lemonylemoncake Wed 11-Nov-15 22:34:06

handywoman he is fantastic with DD now. I know he prefers this stage to when she was tiny. He cared about her as a new born but I can. See he adores her now.

imsorry I think you are right. Need to do something to get rid of the resentment.

'cake mountain it depends on the situation. Sometimes he can be very dismissive.

Thank you tinydancer and I am sorry you had such a hard time too.

Leia he will help but I have to ask most of the time. Only if he knows I am fed up will he do something independently.

Handywoman Wed 11-Nov-15 22:35:00

Yep. I agree. Totally not pathetic.

Eminado Wed 11-Nov-15 22:35:25

Just to say:

1. I SO know what you mean, I have been there

2. It's not pathetic

3. I will never forget it

4. You must have it out. The resentment will destroy you/the relationship.

5. The day I really broke it down and told him exactly how
I felt and how it had me affected my view of him he sat in stunned silence. It genuinely caused me to question our relationship. I think he got it. You must have that debrief when he realises how serious you are. Selfishness kills love.


Lemonylemoncake Wed 11-Nov-15 22:36:45

Maybe I am oversensitive about some things and in other areas I feel it legitimate for me to say he is a bit rubbish.

I had a hospital appointment today. He didn't offer to come with me but he did remember I had been (which was a surprise)

There have been days when I have literally done everything then other times he helps.

Handywoman Wed 11-Nov-15 22:41:40

Sounds to me like you don't trust that he has your back.

The issue needs addressing. You are Not wrong to feel this way.

Lemonylemoncake Wed 11-Nov-15 22:53:08

handywoman wow that really hit the nail on the head.

I'm not the best at communicating with him. He doesn't give very much to me on an emotional level and that is just how he is. His DF is a more severe example so that is probaly where he learned from. So if I get upset or frustrated there is no compassion there really. He will listen and respond but can be cold. Makes me really lonely sometimes.

Can't fault him with our DD and he makes a lot of effort with her. I don't know how he will be when she is a teen and full of hormones, friendship dramas etc. I don't think he will get it. Perhaps he will learn as she gets older.

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