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Is this a normal split?

(4 Posts)
lindasexcel Wed 11-Nov-15 18:51:32

I have only had two relationships in my life.

The first was 7 years long and when we split up he came and sat with me and told me he was moving away to take a job. He was crying, I was crying. I was upset for a long time but we always stayed in touch and still do, we got back together a few times and speak so fondly of each other. We are still close wiht each other's families and I had lunch with his Mum last week. He sends my DS a birthday card with money in it and a nice letter. We always cared about each other and despite it being a very painful split for us both it was civilised.

(DS was from a casual relationship in between the two)

My second relationship was 5 years long and although shorter was more serious. We lived together with DC, I was financially dependent, we shared bills, we had each other named as next of kin on our passports and we were due to get married.

He also split up with me, for the reason that he said he did not love me anymore and wanted to be alone. What bothers me is how he did it and what happenned afterwards and how much it contrasted with the first split and also with the warmth and kindess of the relationship itself.

To characterise the relationship it was very good, no complaints at all and was excited about the wedding. We were great with each other, raising each others kids as a family, no fights, no problems, great sex life and we were always caring and considerate to each other more so than any couple I knew. I never did anything wrong that I know of - never hurt him, never neglected him, never cheated. I'd have graded the relationship as 10 out of 10 and as far as I knew he felt the same.

He handled the breakup by sending me an email and never coming back home again. Obviously that in itself is quite bad enough, but what has really left me broken is the way he behaved towards me. There was no caring at all towards me ever again from that day. It was like I could sit next to him and cry and he would show no regret, remorse or even empathy. It was like I was worse than a stranger. He had no interest in llowing me time financially to settle and left me in terrible circumstances with DS. He quite literally overnight stopped caring about me at all and almost seemed angry at me for my very existence. Worse still his family and friends did the same and I could nver understand why or what I had done.

Is this the way some people are? That they can take years of love and caring and forget it in a day and not care at all about the other person?

I am asking because it's left me fearful of other people and at times I struggle with depression and just living life. Not because I miss him (I don't because he hurt me too much) but just because he shook my foundations.

Husbanddoestheironing Wed 11-Nov-15 19:00:33

I think the first split was a less common scenario than the second IMO. Some people just seem to be able to detach once they have made the decision. Truly remaining friends after does not seem to happen very often. It's very upsetting when someone you cared for can suddenly be so cold and unfeeling. But it probably says a lot more about their (rubbish?) personality rather than reflecting badly on you. Maybe try to build on the fact you have moved on a little emotionally and try to look forward? flowers

pocketsaviour Wed 11-Nov-15 19:04:46

Is this the way some people are? That they can take years of love and caring and forget it in a day and not care at all about the other person?

In a nutshell, yes - but I don't think those are the majority of people, or even near a large proportion.

Your first break up does sound very amicable, which is lovely, but also unusual in that you are still so close. Your second break up is horrible, and also unusual in that most people don't just go completely cold like that (and especially doing it by email, totally cowardly.)

I think most breakups fall somewhere between the two, with a certain amount of shared pain, some animosity, and perhaps not too much ill-feeling afterwards, but no great desire to remain friends.

Of course if you read this board here, you'd think every breakup was awful, but then most people don't come on and post threads saying "My DP split up with me and it was okay" - they post because they're in pain and they've been treated badly.

trackrBird Wed 11-Nov-15 19:05:41

Yes, it seems some people are just like that. Most aren't, in my view: most people are decent, more like ex partner 1 than ex partner 2 on the whole, although I would say ex no 1 is unusually friendly.

People who lack empathy can appear very good, almost perfect, until the mask starts to slip. Because it is a mask. In your case it happened very abruptly, and must have been extremely painful to deal with.

You don't have to be hard, cruel and utterly uncaring just because you have decided a relationship is over. Or angry. Or leave someone and their child in terrible circumstances. He chose to behave like that, because that is who he was. You did nothing to 'deserve' it.

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