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How can I feel respected and not degraded in this situation?

(13 Posts)
WantToDoItRight Wed 11-Nov-15 15:21:53

Have namechanged to preserve my privacy.

I have cold turkeyed off sex for a couple of years (admittedly with a couple of boring drunk fumbles in weak moments) and took time to myself to evaluate myself, think about boundaries, and work out what I want in a relationship.

Spanking and domination arouse me. I am/ was very ashamed of this, hence swearing off men, because I didn't know how to put boundaries around it and hoped with counselling I could get rid of my natural preferences.

In ways counselling has helped ie I would never go back to the types of men I was with before. I would not engage in severe domination with a lot of pain or force anymore either - that will stay in my head for very private moments of fantasy. Ideally I'd be able to erase it completely but I can't and I don't want to beat myself up (no pun intended) over that anymore.

Anyway. I ended up having a bit of fun with a man the other day, and crumbled and asked him to spank me. It was amazing physically, in terms of eroticness for me blush Nothing extreme, just half a dozen smacks laid over his lap.

He was very nice and seems like a decent chap and didn't do anything to make me feel like he didn't respect me, but I don't feel great about it in my head. I feel infantilised. I don't know what to do. Essentially it's just a bit of role play really and physically I love it (and in the heat of the moment crave it desperately, and find it really satisfying) but I feel bad and ashamed after. I am a fucking cliche in that I tend to be a control freak in my daily life, so it is very freeing for me to 'submit'.

I want to know how to deal with this? Can you do this sort of role play without it being disrespectful?

Feel a bit lost and confused. I've never had a relationship without dominance and submission, so I feel like I don't know how to have passionate sex without. In fact, I think I'd be almost hyper vigilant towards men taking the lead in bed in case I felt they were trying to dominate me and would panic. But at the same time I want it.

Wtf should I do? Could psychosexual counselling help me with this sort of problem? Any ideas?

(I cannot post this in the sex topic, as I have only been a member for a couple of months)

RivieraKid Wed 11-Nov-15 16:57:50

It honestly sounds like you need counselling as to why you feel ashamed and around asserting boundaries rather than why you have a kink. Spanking is pretty darn vanilla on the ol' BDSM scale. Is there a suppressed reason it provokes disgust in you?

It's great that you're no longer actively hooking up with guys in situations that make you uncomfortable, that sounds like an important step.

Babycham1979 Wed 11-Nov-15 16:58:53

To be honest, it sounds like your problem is to do with the guilt and the shame you associate with this kind of sex, rather than in the act itself. There's nothing wrong with finding domination/submission exciting; too many women are made to feel as if it's something to be ashamed of, or that they're somehow letting the sisterhood down by indulging their personal peccadilloes.

Why on earth do you think it's disrespectful? It's not just consensual; you actively requested it! Psychosexual counselling may help you address some of your issues, but it sounds to me like there's more to it than just that. Do you have some kind of ideological/political aversion to this? I consider myself a feminist and I'm as kinky as hell; the two aren't mutually exclusive!

WantToDoItRight Wed 11-Nov-15 18:20:19

I was contented and relaxed about it for years, the kinky stuff. Then I had a few catastrophic life events, and went wild on the kinky sex front and did some dangerous things - I liken it to going from enjoying a few glasses of wine to developing a binge drinking problem. So I stopped. Now I don't remotely want to do those extreme things again (I've grown up a hell of a lot, and see the sheer stupidity of taking such risks) but I'm still drawn to spanking.

My last counseller was adamant it's linked to some bad things in my childhood though, and that's part of the problem - I felt ashamed for being dysfunctional.

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge Wed 11-Nov-15 18:44:11

This is something abuse survivors often have to face: that abuse has changed or influenced what they find erotic, either by creating the desire to seek out or the need to avoid something.

I don't think for one moment that is the same as dysfunction, however. If there were bad things in childhood, maybe a shame reaction to those has now been transferred to your sexuality (which may very well have been a penchant you would have developed anyway).

You sound very functional in fact, in that for years you indulged freely, when things went off the rails and you began to indulge in ways that were problematic, you got yourself back on track.

Do you fear going deeper into it until you hit the same bad place? Indulging your taste for BDSM does not mean you will go off the rails again, necessarily. That's about self-care and having a sense of self-worth, I think.

More specifically psycho-sexual therapy sounds like a good idea. Also, have a look online for books that help you work through these kinds of anxieties with exercises.

NoArmaniNoPunani Wed 11-Nov-15 18:47:21

You do realise it's perfectly possible to find a decent respectful partner who spanks you?

WantToDoItRight Wed 11-Nov-15 19:37:32

No, I'm pretty sure I won't go off the rails again. I was just a bit wild for a while owing to life circumstances and being a daft overgrown adolescent. Have grown up now!

I do know it's possible to find a man who can spank me and still respect me. I just have no idea how that would look in a relationship.

I imagine once they've seen that really vulnerable submissive bit of me they will always either a) look down on me a bit or b) look at me slightly paternalistically. The second has been my usual experience, and I do not want that ever again.

VenusInFauxFurs Wed 11-Nov-15 20:42:25

Hi OP. I do think you are worrying about this a bit too much. Being turned on by spanking/submission doesn't make you a doormat in the bedroom or in any other part of your life.

Have you thought about attending a munch in your area? These are informal get togethers for kinky people. Just drinks and chatting. It might give you the opportunity to meet other 'submissive' women. I have a couple of friends who share similar kinks to me and it's nice to touch base and have a laugh with people who 'get' it.

WantToDoItRight Wed 11-Nov-15 22:41:36

Hi, yes, I've been on the scene for years. Well not in the last few years but before then.

Made some great friends who are very lovely and also open minded, that's not a problem.

Actually the only thing is I used to play publicly and do performances as a masochist at events and clubs and I wouldn't do that these days. I don't think I would be comfortable with anything public now. To be fair my scene friends don't care about that though, no pressure from them, but I would not want them thinking I'm still that person...

NoArmaniNoPunani Thu 12-Nov-15 05:24:20

You sound like me. I did all the performances and public play when I was younger. Now I'm happily married to a great bloke and that's all just a happy memory.

category12 Thu 12-Nov-15 06:18:35

Look for a kink- friendly counsellor instead?

Lemonylemoncake Thu 12-Nov-15 07:32:42

Op, I don't think there is anything wrong with your preferences. I don't have much experience I am afraid, but I personally think that it would be good to talk to any partner about what you like and also what they like. That way you both know and can agree on what you are both comfortable with. There is nothing to be ashamed of at all. Your partner should be willing to have that conversation. It will give you both the opportunity to explore things together.

Tabsicle Thu 12-Nov-15 08:15:55

Another one here who doesn't think there's anything wrong with a bit of a kink. I'm the other way round - I'm domme rather than sub - but I've got a lovely OH who I respect totally and completely view as my equal out of the bedroom. And he respects me.

I think it sounds really miserable having all these horrible feelings about kink. Definitely second the notion of a kink friendly counselor. Have you looked at Pink Therapy? It's mostly a list of LGBT friendly counselors but I've found them to often be poly/kink/alt friendly too.

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