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Can I have a bit of hand holding to make me feel sure I did the right thing?

(51 Posts)
cantolupo Wed 11-Nov-15 09:20:03

I know this is quite trivial compared to some of the awful things on MN and I have been through some of those things myself which is why I am maybe a bit delicate and over-devastated today.

I've been seeing someone for only about six weeks but he'd been asking me out for out six months before that and in that time I'd grown to really feel something for him so even though it was only six weeks for me it felt like the start of something with a person I really liked and cared about.

I've been a real fool because although he was asking me out a lot he'd always said he was in a place in his life to not want a full relationship or a future but when we did fnally get together it felt so right and so fantastic that I just thought we were headed into something.

The first few weeks he was like a little boy in love and then I suppose as soon as I started showing I felt the same way he started to pull away.

Last night we were chatting and I wanted to get to the bottom of it and he basically said he wanted no strings and he'd pulled back so as not to get my hopes up falsely that he was going to change his mind about wanting a relationship.

So that was it, and I realised he doesn't want a relationship with me at all and that I feel more than he does. So I told him our situation wasn't working for me and ended it calmly. He was quite quiet and let me do it and we said goodbye. All over in a few minutes.

We don't mix in the same circles, so reality is I will probably never see him again and I am just sitting here crying and feeling really broken hearted, which I know sounds naff after six weeks but we'd just spent time together before that and I'd built such an attachment and caring for him and honestly believed he felt it too. My gut told me that he did, and it's such a horrible feeling.

I feel really awful. Please tell me I did the right thing and that I am going to forget soon.

I went through such a massive heartbreak a couple of years ago and this was the first time I've truly cared about someone new.

Goingbacktomyroots Wed 11-Nov-15 09:25:30

You 100% did the right thing. I bet you took the wind right out of his sails when you finished it.

Be prepared for him to try to lure you back with the promise of something more after all as he wanted it all on his terms and won't like being rejected.

As for the feelings, it's awful. Hopefully you will recover quicker this time around than last time.

MorrisZapp Wed 11-Nov-15 09:28:51

Oh what a shame, it is so hard when dreams are dashed like that. You're not over reacting at all. Be kind to yourself, and be proud too that you had the balls to end it. Onwards and upwards kid.

Oneeyedbloke Wed 11-Nov-15 09:35:06

'...as soon as I started showing I felt the same way he started to pull away.'

'...he basically said he wanted no strings and he'd pulled back so as not to get my hopes up falsely that he was going to change his mind about wanting a relationship.'

Imho you've done the right thing. He wasn't capable of a proper, two-way relationship. He just wanted to have a little wallow in a fantasy, in which your needs didn't feature at all. 'Little boy' says it all. You were building hopes, wanting it to mean something, he was wanting it to mean nothing - and said so. You're best out of it.

TheMarxistMinx Wed 11-Nov-15 09:43:05

I think there are two perspectives on this, or two narratives that explain why men hold back. One is they quite genuinely do not want a relationship. The other is that men just simply hold off but under certain circumstances end up in relationships. Added to this they can feel very little or feel a great deal and still not want a relationship.

From what you have said he may well have acted like a love sick teen because he felt something. Look at it this way, when one cuts off their nose! It's his loss entirely. You did the right thing for you, whether he feels he did the right thing for himself is probably less clear. Your clearly very fab and he is certainly a fool smile

cantolupo Wed 11-Nov-15 09:50:44

I do think he felt something. I don't think you could fake that day after day and aybe that was why i just foolishly assumed that it meant he would change his mind.

It didn't really dawn on me that he was serious about it or that someone would make an arbitrary decision like that before a relationship started that it was going nowhere.

He talked about how he's only been in two relationships and both ended very messily and he's going his masters degree and has a full life with no heartbreak and wants to just enjoy himself. He said being with me was exciting and made him happy but he said he'd placed a boundary on it that he was not going to get attached.

I think I've been left confused a bit because he didn't act like it was so casual. Calls about how he can't wait to see me. He took me as his date to a family event. His friends know about me and they banter with me on Facebook. I felt like I was becoming his girlfriend

The horrible moment was when I was dicussing a black tie event I have in two weeks and I asked him if he wanted to come and he said he did, then he said something about being sorry he didn't take me out on too many dates or to do too many things and it wasn't because he didn't want to but he felt that doing so might be leading me on and making me think he was going to change his mind about a relationship.

I just sat there and thought...how can I be kissing, shagging, dating someone who is worried about "leading me on". Just seemed so sad to accept that.

I held in the tears until after he'd gone thankfullly.

cantolupo Wed 11-Nov-15 10:00:58

Thank you marxist and all...made me feel better flowers

If I can just vent here a little bit. I have been single most of my life because of my job (which used to involve basically touring the world) and had my first adult long term relationship at the age of 30 about 6 years ago.

We fell very much in love and had a long distance relationship for about a year then he proposed and asked me to give up my job and go and start a family / live with him. So I did.

While we stayed very in love, it didn't turn out as expected. H left me alone a lot, did not change his life to accommodate me, kept putting off out wedding, and the babies never came. He introduced me to his friends and family but we did not really spend any time with them as he always wanted me to himself. I wasn't very wise, an the fact that he was so proud of me (always showing me off like a trophy) and he was so loving, affectionate, warm and kind I thought we were happy. But being alone affected me and after four years or so I started to get panic attacks.

He was loving and kind for a few months, and then he left me really suddenly and ave me only a day or two to get out of our house. He said I'd changed and he didnt love me anymore.

It was such an awfl thing to go through and I've really struggled the last few years. I feel like all anyone ever wants is to sleep with me and really thought this one was so diferrent. We'd been friends a while and he'd given me no pressure for sex and seemed to really get me.

It just hit me hard this morning is all.

So disappointed.

ButEmilylovedhim Wed 11-Nov-15 10:03:46

What a bastard! I think you've had a really lucky escape. I know it won't feel like that at the moment sad He's just a player (if people use that word anymore <out of touch>) he had all those intimate, good, fun times, you met his family and his friends, then he pulls the rug out and says he doesn't want a relationship!! There was one! Such a bastard. Well done for not crying in front of him. Some men are just unbelievable. Please don't be upset about him for long. He wasn't one of the good ones.

cantolupo Wed 11-Nov-15 10:06:19

He's not a player. He'd told me before we even went out that he didn't want a relationship. He just didn't like me enough to want a relationship with me sad that's the cold, hard truth isn't it?

ButEmilylovedhim Wed 11-Nov-15 10:12:06

X posted. You poor thing, what a lot to go through. No wonder this has hit you so hard. Well, it would me too. Be really kind to yourself.

Vanillaswirl Wed 11-Nov-15 10:14:46

Hi cantolupo, sorry you are feeling so down. I have had exactly the same thing happen to me but my story is more complicated but same reasons, same confusion...

I totally understand how you feel, lovely. It will be hard for a while but you have made the right decision. No more comms now. Let him miss you.

Your decision will make him respect you even more. You see when we value ourselves and place importance in our heart and health, so do others and they value us more.

Why pay for something that you can get for free?

It may very well be that he misses you and comes back asking for all in. But do not keep your life on hold. Move on, go out, go to the gym, keep yourself busy or book a holiday/weekend away with a friend. Go to the spa, anything to make you feel better and soothes your soul. flowers

Vanillaswirl Wed 11-Nov-15 10:18:31

No, it may not be you, he did enjoy himself so much with you. Guys are quite single minded and a phd is a big undertaking. Being burnt before makes many people more hesitant to venture into a relationship again so they coast as not to get too deep.

Some men can be very black and white about boundaries. Mine was a scorp, very black and white and dating baggage too.

ButEmilylovedhim Wed 11-Nov-15 10:23:54

Yes, he said that but didn't act like that. He had all the advantages of a relationship but could then say, well I did tell you. It's not good behaviour is it? Don't let this pull down your self esteem and don't think badly of yourself. You've done nothing wrong. You hoped and you trusted. He just kept all his options open.

cantolupo Wed 11-Nov-15 10:25:52

He's a Scorp too!!!!

Very black and white.

He says it's goldilocks

Relationship 1 was wrong, relationship 2 was wrong and he reckons relationship 3 will be marriage so until he's ready for that he's not getting close to anyone.

Can't help feeling if he'd liked me more he'd have forgotten his self imposed rules.

I really could not continue with him under the terms he was oferring, but can't help just feeling so sad. I don't easily form atttachments.

TheMarxistMinx Wed 11-Nov-15 10:28:38

I don't think it's because he didn't want a relationship with you. It's really not you. He is cutting his nose off...leave him to it though, it's his choice.

cantolupo Wed 11-Nov-15 10:37:00

what do you mean by cutting of his nose marxist?

Vanillaswirl Wed 11-Nov-15 11:45:18

I hear you cantolupo, the chemistry was amazing so was the sex and all else and he told me lots of things about his past, himself, etc. It's like he says yes with his action but then the wall came down and he said no to a relationship when I put my cards on the table.

I have stopped talking to him. I'm not on social media anyway so I won't stalk him or anything.

I have told him whee my heart is at and so have you. I know it's hard especially in your circumstances and with your past experience. My scorp knows what I want and I have let him go. If he misses me it has to be more than no strings fun. I value myself and have my own life to sort out and my own dreams to pursue. If he come back he knows what my expectations are.

Your scorp knows that too.

I think minx means that he's cutting everything good off by not even trying to see where you two can go. I mean relationships don't always work out but unless you try you'll never know.

Vanillaswirl Wed 11-Nov-15 11:47:26

I'd take the tears if there is laughter. I'd appreciate the wonderful memories along with the fights and the sadness. Being in a relationship means all of that.

I'd rather have depth to my life than just coast and hop off if things go deep. But I appreciate some people would rather not for the fear of being hurt is greater than the joy of being in a close relationship.

Vanillaswirl Wed 11-Nov-15 11:47:50

Marxist, not minx, sry

cantolupo Wed 11-Nov-15 12:24:39

Thanks vanilla. I don't understand it either. I guess he wants to sow his wild oats.

My birthday next week which doesn't help sad

TheMarxistMinx Wed 11-Nov-15 17:46:05

Minx is OK smile his next relationship will be marriage. ...nope his next relationship will be cut short because of his self imposed rule.

As others have said people have more respect for you when hold to what is important to you. What you have to be mindful of is that whatever his intentions he is quite likely to make contact again. What you do then will decide whether you get what you want.

I'm sorry you have been through so much but I'm sure someone nice is out there for you.

cantolupo Wed 11-Nov-15 18:32:46

Thanks Marxist. He already did contact me. A text to see how my day was going as if nothing had happenned. Knowing him he will be thinking in a few days it will blow over. Probably be a shock for him when he realises I mean it, as I was so calm and matter of fact when I said it.

I'm not for the blocking business - I think that makes it look even more like I care, so I just responded politely and cut off the conversation with short answers and no emotion.

I've felt really sad and down all day, but also not once regretted or questioned my decion so that's good.

I don't need marriage or children right away or anything. I don't need to live in each other pockets. I don't need much but what I do want is for my new relationship to be a blank canvas where the oucome is not decided before the first date.

I want someone to spend time making me smile and enjoying getting closer to me instead of putting parameters in place to ensure none of that happens. I want to go on dates with someone who wants to go with me just because it makes him happy being with me. I don't want to have sex with someone who goes hot and cold and wants everything on his terms.

He asked me last night to make a compromise, to tell him what I want and we would meet in the middle but I felt like that was a pointless request. How do you meet in the middle if someone wants to shag you and you want to date them? Force them to have dates with you? Where's the magic in that?

I contacted a couple of the men off online dating who were wanting a date and have arranged for one of them to accompany me to my black tie event and he was delighted. I'm going to just get on with it and it hurts but feels better than being so unimporant to someone I care so much about.

I know for a fact he is going to contact me, because he doesn't want to lose what we have, but just don't really know what to say. He will text me and say he misses me, he will text me and say can we not see each other and talk.

I don;t even really know what to say when he does. I feel like what he wants off me is something no woman in their right mind would want so it;s ridiculous he expects it.

Why would I want to shag someone regularly and spend nights cuddled up in front of netflix when they just told me they didn't want to go to an event with me in case it led me on?

Just so bloody depressing that he sees me that way and it knocked all my hopes out of me and I just wanted him to go away.

cantolupo Wed 11-Nov-15 19:24:03

He's now texting me a lot and obviously trying to be sweet. I know he's just trying to get me to forget being upset and angry and what he's doing is because he doesn't want to lose miss-shag-on-tap-when-i-feel-like-it.

I hope I stay strong and don't fall for it so will keep posting here instead of responding to it.

Wristy Wed 11-Nov-15 19:37:36

Ask him if he remembers your conversation? Tell him you meant what you said- it's over. Then if he keeps it up tell him you're taking someone else to the event. You're doing the right thing and you're right there will be no compromises with someone like him.
flowers

cantolupo Wed 11-Nov-15 20:21:20

Thanks Wristy. I know I did the right thing, it just makes me sad anyway!

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