feeling abandoned in foreign country by boyfriend

[millie85]

My boyfriend and I have been together for for a little over a year. We met when he was sent to the US when he was sent by his company to head up a project for year. We meet, feel in love and everything has been really great. He had to move back to London three months ago, and whilst we originally were going to the do the long distance thing until I could find work in London and move there, we both missed each other too much and my boyfriend encouraged me to move in with him now instead waiting to move. I arrived in London almost two weeks ago, and whilst I lived in the UK as a child (I have dual citizenship) my family and all of my friends are based in the US, so the only person I know here is my boyfriend. I am normally very independent, and I have been working hard to make new friends and find a new job in London. But the transition has been hard, I miss my friends and am finding it difficult to find a connection to this city.

The problem I am having is that my boyfriend doesn't seem to want to include me in his life here. Besides going on a couple long walks with me, my boyfriend hasn't done anything to show me around the city, he hasn't taken me for dinner or drinks, I've basically done nothing but be in his flat for the past week and half. This past weekend was my first weekend in the London and my boyfriend went out with friends both Saturday and Sunday night (staying out until 3 am both nights), he didn't invite me to come along and didn't seem to care that I would be left sitting around his flat all night whilst he went out and had a good time.

On Monday I explained to him that I felt really hurt that he hadn't invited me, I told him that I think its great that he has alone time with his friends but that I am feeling alone and would really appreciate it if he included me more (I have made plans to join a book club, I have signed up for cooking classes, etc so that I can make new friends and feel a connection to the city, but until then it would be nice for him to include me a little more and at least show me around). He seemed to understand, he gave me a hug and told me that he would definitely put me first and that he could't wait to introduce me to his friends here and show me around. But then tonight, he came home and announced that he was invited to go out by a friend and promptly left.

I am now sitting here completely livid. I felt like I had explained how I was feeling on Monday and how hard I am finding the adjustment. I don't understand how he could just leave me, knowing that I am alone all day and am desperate to get out and do something fun. I feel like if he really cared about me, he would want to include more in his life here.

Also, its important to point out that he was the one who really pushed me to move here now, I wanted to wait until I had time to find a job.

What does everyone think? Am I overreacting? If you were in my position what would you do?

thanks!

[Serioussteve]

This past weekend was my first weekend in the London and my boyfriend went out with friends both Saturday and Sunday night (staying out until 3 am both nights), he didn't invite me to come along and didn't seem to care that I would be left sitting around his flat all night whilst he went out and had a good time.

That's insensitive. Why have you over here to be a significant part of his life if you're going to be excluded. Do his friends know that you've arrived. Best case: he was giving you time to chill...fuck that, there is no best case. It's almost he's shouting that he's virtually embarrassed to have you near his mates.

It's as if the relationship has been split into two halves, the U.S. whirlwind that was fantastic, yet since coming to the UK, he's having second thoughts about the whole thing.

To marginalise you and go out a second time is vile. IMO, you should rage madly talk to him about how you're feeling, how things better change and fast. I'd also have your passport ready as ditching the whole experience sounds like a good plan.

[millie85]

I feel so insanely uncomfortable and alone right now and so angry at him. I don't think he understands at all what my life is like right now, or what its like to be in a city that you don't feel comfortable in. Even when he was in the US for a year, he still had the comfort of working with people that he knows.

I just don't know what to do. I feel like I already explained how I was feeling to him and it was completely disregarded (despite him saying all the right things, his actions prove that he didn't listen/understand or simply doesn't care).

[ffffffedup]

I'd cut my losses and go home

[claraschu]

This sounds pretty unforgivably insensitive to me. You poor thing! I am so sorry you are sitting alone and feeling like this. If I were you, I would be tempted to leave. I am American too, and when I first came here I would have felt completely lost if my boyfriend had just left me and gone off with other people. I wish you could come stay with us; we would like a friendly American visitor!

[millie85]

Part of me wants to be horribly juvenile and just up and leave and stay out all night too without explaining anything to him.

[ffffffedup]

Personally I'd be packing and heading for the airport. It seems the idea and reality of you moving to London with him are completely different for him. Put it down to experience and move on with your family and friends who love you.

[magiccatlitter]

Yes, definitely pack up and go home! He should be happy and grateful you are there and trying to include you in his life and help you get settled.

Pack up and go and be home for Thanksgiving with your family.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

I just don't know what to do

You need to take this as a sign of how he feels about you and how low in his priorities you are.

I feel like I already explained how I was feeling to him and it was completely disregarded (despite him saying all the right things, his actions prove that he didn't listen/understand or simply doesn't care)

He did understand, but he didn't care. Sadly the reality of living here with him is nothing like the fantasy. Have you cut ties back in the US or would you have housing and a job to go back to?

[millie85]

I've cut all ties in the US and would need to find a new job and place to live. I am not sure if I should give it a couple more weeks here and try to see if things go back to normal or what?

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

It would be tempting to do that, because you've invested so much in this relationship. Google the sunk costs fallacy.

[Atenco]

You still have the ties of friendship and family in the US, that is much better than better with an insensitive eejit, OP. I'm sure there is a certain embarrassment about returning so soon, but to hell with that. These things happen and how were you to know?

Would you really want to spend another fifty years with such an insensitive asshole just to save yourself some embarrassment?

[BringMeTea]

You poor thing! I feel so sorry for you. He is acting like a gigantic prick. You have explained how you feel and he has totally disregarded it. I fear he may well be dumping you fairly soon. I would get in first and just leaving a short 'goodbye asshole' note sounds a good plan.

[UselessArticle]

He's showing you what his priorities are and it's not you. I'd think long and hard about going home to be honest.

[millionsmom]

Whenever we move countries we do things together. If my DH has been there before, he takes me around to look the place over, so I can find my own way around. The fact your DP hasn't is a worry. You've explained how you feel to him and he carries on with his 'single' life??? Yup, its a clear sign he's not a keeper.

Go back love. He's an idiot and isn't likely to get any better. You still have family in the US and if I were your mom, I'd rather you came back than sat alone and unhappy in a strange city.

[Aussiemum78]

What an ass! Why wouldn't he invite you? Or cancel?

I wouldn't say or do anything except quietly pack and get out. Either go home or go backpacking around Europe. Just leave the prick baffled. If he has chocolate, take that with you.

[Aussiemum78]

Unless you want to stay in the uk, in that case get a job and move out...still take the chocolate.

[magiccatlitter]

definitely take all the choc!

[goddessofsmallthings]

London is not greatly different from New York in the sense that if you can make it here you can make it anywhere, and it seems to me that you've got a golden opportunity to explore a vibrant and amazing city that's steeped in history and has no shortage of fascinating sights to see and places to explore - plus, unlike many of your compatriots, you have the distinct advantage of being able to work here without a visa.

While your bf may be an insensitive twat, he has at least provided you with (hopefully free) accomodation until you get connected workwise and you should look to start building a network of friends and acquaintances that you can go out and about with if he's not going to introduce you to his friends and show you around the town.

This group //www.meetup.com/americansabroad/ may help you overcome any difficulties inherent in being in a country that is only separated from the USA by a common language and the annual Thanksgiving beanfeasts are a good place to start as the sheer numbers of those present mean you are bound to meet likeminded folk, some of whom may also be new to London and some of whom will be native Londoners who have a love of all things americana.

Why not resolve to stay through to Chinese New Year (February 8) and jack it in* if you find it's not for you?

*give up and go home

[Travelledtheworld]

Ahh you poor thing.
I agree. Don't waste your time on him. He is showing his true colours and he's not the one for you. He is back on his home ground and making no attempt to integrate you into his life.
Plan your exit strategy and in the meantime get yourself out and about and make the most of being in London. Even though it is raining most of the time.....

[millie85]

Okay, so I think doing a combination of everyones advice makes sense. I need to get myself a social structure ASAP so I can be independent and not feel tied to my boyfriend. In the meantime I can set a date (maybe 1 January) and if things aren't better by then, I can move back (whilst taking all the chocolate!).

I am not sure if I should bother having another conversation with my boyfriend about how I am feeling, or if I should be emotionally shutting down and moving away from him.

[millionsmom]

Good plan.

I think once he sees you having a life without him, he may change his ways. Or he may have a chat along the lines 'you've changed/not the same person/this is not working out' by which time you'll have made some kind of life and you can decide to stay or go on your own terms.
Good luck!

[BringMeTea]

Hi OP. You sound very smart and capable. This helps. I agree you should be able to see the sights at least, or get a job if you think you might like to stick around. Do you have financial resources to move out and into a flatshare? I imagine it would be almost impossible to avoid more talk unless you're doing a flit. Or, do think you could sort yourself out whilst still living there and tell him NOTHING of your plans? Tricky.

[millie85]

I think ideally I should stay at his flat for as long as possible whilst saving up money, I don't think it will look too suspicious since the plan was for me to stay with him (rent free) until I am on my feet.

The more I think about this situation, the weirder it all seems. I was just thinking about how odd it is that he hasn't taken me on a date, or anything like that. I normally wouldn't care he spends time alone with his friends, but find it weird that he hasn't taken me anywhere.

[BringMeTea]

It feels odd because it IS odd. Sounds like a case of cold feet. Fair enough, it happens but he needs to be much more respectful and discuss any issues with you. This x 1000 as you have already broached the subject. He is not a keeper. Horrid for you to find out this way. Dual nationality is such a boon though. UK is your lobster! Good luck.