I wish I knew how to name change for this post, but I feel at such a loss at the moment, and I feel like I need to talk to someone.
My childhood was abusive, I suffered sexual abuse at a very young age, I also suffered emotional abuse, physical abuse and neglect for the entirety of my childhood.
I was used as a pawn by my mum against my dad, and by the time we got the opportunity to have a relationship it was too late. He could never really be a dad. Not even like a your a grown up, but I'm your dad and I love you kind of way, my mum also did all she could do to stop a relationship between us.
Over the past seven years I've gone NC with my mum because of her general abusiveness.
If I'm doing ok, then how stuck up I am. If I'm struggling then I'm useless. Generally if I go no contact with her she makes sure that no one else has anything to do with me... So I've been without any family for 7+ months.
I never had any friends before this, as we used to move around so often I couldn't build solid relationships, and I was bullied because I was the trampy child at school who smelt and never had anything.
I now find I have no one. I have a handful of people who are kind of around, but no one who really cares. I sometimes feel like I am close to people but then I feel like they've dropped me.
I have a few mental health conditions, I suffer from depression and anxiety and I have a personality disorder, so I don't even have much of a life. I very rarely leave the house because of my anxiety, when I do I travel by taxi so I don't need to leave the house for any longer than 5-10 minutes. I feel so shit about myself.
I feel so sad that I have no one.
In the past I've gotten myself jobs, where I've had to leave because people seem to perceive me as strange because I'm quite anxious. People just don't like to be around me. Whenever there are things going on im never included.
I know it sounds very woe is me, but I've lived this way for years now.
I always thought it would get better when my daughter was finally born, then when my daughter started nursery, then I told myself when she started school. Then I told myself that it wasn't so bad, and I could make friends, but its dawned on me this isn't true.
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15 replies
Unreasonablebetty · 11/11/2015 00:27
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