Life's pretty crap...

[Unreasonablebetty]

I wish I knew how to name change for this post, but I feel at such a loss at the moment, and I feel like I need to talk to someone.

My childhood was abusive, I suffered sexual abuse at a very young age, I also suffered emotional abuse, physical abuse and neglect for the entirety of my childhood.
I was used as a pawn by my mum against my dad, and by the time we got the opportunity to have a relationship it was too late. He could never really be a dad. Not even like a your a grown up, but I'm your dad and I love you kind of way, my mum also did all she could do to stop a relationship between us.
Over the past seven years I've gone NC with my mum because of her general abusiveness.
If I'm doing ok, then how stuck up I am. If I'm struggling then I'm useless. Generally if I go no contact with her she makes sure that no one else has anything to do with me... So I've been without any family for 7+ months.

I never had any friends before this, as we used to move around so often I couldn't build solid relationships, and I was bullied because I was the trampy child at school who smelt and never had anything.

I now find I have no one. I have a handful of people who are kind of around, but no one who really cares. I sometimes feel like I am close to people but then I feel like they've dropped me.

I have a few mental health conditions, I suffer from depression and anxiety and I have a personality disorder, so I don't even have much of a life. I very rarely leave the house because of my anxiety, when I do I travel by taxi so I don't need to leave the house for any longer than 5-10 minutes. I feel so shit about myself.

I feel so sad that I have no one.

In the past I've gotten myself jobs, where I've had to leave because people seem to perceive me as strange because I'm quite anxious. People just don't like to be around me. Whenever there are things going on im never included.

I know it sounds very woe is me, but I've lived this way for years now.

I always thought it would get better when my daughter was finally born, then when my daughter started nursery, then I told myself when she started school. Then I told myself that it wasn't so bad, and I could make friends, but its dawned on me this isn't true.

[Unreasonablebetty]

It's so hard to explain how bad things are. But apart from my husband I have no one I can talk to. He is so worn down by his own issues he can't take mine on, but I feel so alone.
I've tried to make friends but no one wants me, I think I make people feel uncomfortable.
I just wish things were different.

[Oneeyedbloke]

Oh Betty you've really been through the mill, I can't imagine. But rather than just move on, I thought I'd at least put a hand out and say how bloody unfair but I really hope you and your DH manage to help each other with your problems more, after all that's what marriage is all about. Your mum sounds pretty toxic, how does she manage to isolate your family from you? - have they no minds of their own? And are you getting any ongoing help with your health issues - ie therapy or counselling? Here's hoping you at least get lots of love from your DD

[springydaffs]

Oh love, I'm so sorry you've had such a rough time

What sort of therapy have you had? Ime it's always good to get with people who have experienced the same, or similar, things I have experienced: peer support. You say you have a pd, have you been referred for group support/therapy around that?

[CainInThePunting]

I'm sorry you are feeling so low tonight and I'm sorry I'm not able to offer much help, I know very little about depression and anxiety.

Are you receiving some kind of professional support?
Have you tried reaching out to other family members? They might not be as under your mother's thumb as you think. Maybe you just need to speak to them and ask for help.

[thehouseofgoodintentions]

Locally in Cornwall we have a really good, free, easily accessible counselling service. Is there one in your area?

Anxiety is shit! Hubby has it and it can be pretty debilitating.

[whatisforteamum]

you are not alone and your post couldve been written by my dsis except the sexual abuse bit.we all think everyone has a great life when in reality many suffer in silence.I agree we have free counselling here and my sis has started some.
the making friends thing can be quite tricky and when i think i dont have anyone close its because i push pple away and work unsociable hrs.I hope you can get some support in RL

[Unreasonablebetty]

Oneeyedbloke- thank you, we do manage to be there for each other, we've been there for eachother despite both having issues, his issues were more monetary, whereas mine are mental health related, I'm so thankful to have him it's just hard sometimes because he is trying hard to keep on top of financial matters, and I'm just kind of falling apart.

My mums always been very controlling in her own way, my mum has admitted in the past that she pushed all of our dads away so she didn't have to share us, and if my stepdad/uncle (married my dads brother after they divorced) were to disagree with her then he would never hear the last of it, because she would play the victim. The only other family I have is my nan- and my mother can do no wrong in her eyes, and my sisters.
The only one who even turned up to my wedding received a call from my mum, and decided she would leave at that point.
They really are quite dysfunctional. Not to say I don't love them, but it's a really messed up concept.
I get lots of love from my DD, she's a wonder.

Springydaffs- I've had lots of counselling, much of it was in place throughout my childhood because of the sexual abuse I suffered, then through to my teens, and I abruptly stopped when I had my daughter because I just wanted to start a fresh, I've also had CBT, which I found hard to go through, and I didn't do too well with the lady who I worked with, but all in all its made my PD much easier to deal with. I was a horror to my partner before that point, and now I might have a bit of an (as we call it) episode, but mostly I can act in a reasonable-ish manner. It helps that he has actively ensured there are boundaries in our relationship and of them paramaters are crossed then he can go to his parents house for the night- and It makes me feel completely worthless, so it acts as a deterrent. I know it sounds odd, but we've got to do what makes life ok for both of us, and I need to take responsibility of my actions.
That could be my problem, I don't talk about the abuse I've suffered. So people often don't know.

Caininthepunting- at the moment I'm not currently receiving any support with my mental health. I feel a lot of the time it's made my mental health conditions words, and I try as much as I can to try and make life work without intervention, for example the taxis everywhere I need to go, and getting a cleaner in to help when I'm not keeping on top of the housework and wrap around childcare so I don't even need to see other parents At the school.
Though my husband has said he's seen a deterioration in my mental health over the past few months and he's told me I need to go back to the mental health team... One of his biggest worries is I seem to only be sleeping two hours a night, which is a marker that things are bad.
I did try, but I never got a reply to the wedding invites I sent out to them all., and the one sister who came to my wedding left when my mum called her, despite having not eaten the meal that was prepared for her, or staying in the room we paid for, for her.
My stepdad, also decided that from that point he wouldn't see my Daughter anymore. He was supposed to see her the day after my wedding, as he had messed around with seeing/not seeing her for months by this point. He just didn't turn up to arranged contact.

He's seen us in the town and has walked past us, btw my daughter is seven, there's nothing she could have done to deserve that kind of treatment..

Thehouseofgoodintentions- anxiety is shit. In my experience it's harder to deal with than my depression.
It's awful to live with,
I hope your husbands condition starts to improve. It's so horrible. I thought I was better then I seemed to go backwards with my anxiety.

I think we have some good ones, we have a mind centre in the town which seems amazing, I've always just been too scared to go myself. I've had quite a bit of counselling on the NHS I'm considering maybe trying to go private next time to see if there's any difference at all.

Thank you all. I really appreciate the replies. Il they mean a lot to me

[springydaffs]

I abruptly stopped when I had my daughter because I just wanted to start a fresh,

Erm. Well that wasnt a great idea. With your history you'll need ongoing, sensitive support. Abruptly stopping that support isn't the best move.

It's common for people who've had a rough time to decide 'right, that's it, in OK now, in going to forget about all that shit in my past'. But it doesn't work like that! That's like someone with a physical illness getting bored with it and deciding not to have it any more. They can't do that: same with mental health.

It's going to cost to get therapists who are experienced enough in the type of support you need - unfortunately, I bear the scars of crap therapy, inexperienced, inadequately trained therapists. I'm not putting you off going privately but warning you it's not necessarily straightforward. You could get in touch with BACP and pick their brains about the best way to go forward.

Back to peer a support: have you bed to support groups for survivors of childhood sexism abuse? Once you get into the recovery community you'll find other groups eg groups for adult children of dysfunctional families. Plus lots of other support groups that may fill a gap. As much as there is a place for eg NHS support, it can feel that The Experts (who got it all from a textbook anyway) are always in the superior position iyswim - almost a parent/child dynamic. With peer support you're all equal.

The positive about private therapy is that therapists have to go through the therapy process themselves as part of the training. Imo that is a much safer dynamic - yes they've learned a lot through textbooks but they've also been through the process so the parent/child dynamic doesn't feature as readily. They also have regular supervision and imo that makes for 'safer' therapy than eg a NHS therapist.

They all have their place though, all are valuable in their way.

[springydaffs]

Sorry about spellings: * Back to peer support: have you been to support groups for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

[Oneeyedbloke]

Children are so brilliant aren't they? I often think they are better human beings than most grown-ups, their minds and natural reactions are so much less affected. And your mum sounds so controlling, quite frankly anyone would want to protect their child from all that manipulative behaviour. I totally sympathise with the whole 'she can do no wrong' thing, I had an 'uncle' who (I discovered much later in life) messed up my family when I was young by having an affair with my mum, lots of consequences, he was what they used to call a womanizer but I think selfish manipulative bastard is a better term. Yet no-one in my family will criticise him, it's all how marvellous he was, what a fine, generous man, and that sort of thing does have the potential to fuck your head up. But despite all your problems at least you see your mum for what she is. Ringing one of your daughters to tell her to leave another daughter's wedding, that tells you all you need to know.
I really hope you get the help you need, there are good private therapists and counsellors out there, many of whom have experienced mh issues themselves and of course have been through therapy themselves. And MN has a lot of collective wisdom. Most of all though, I hope you can start to make friends, at the school gate or at a workplace or somewhere. It must be so hard for you but if you avoid the world 100% it'll never happen. Not everyone is judgemental and scared. Wishing you all the best, hug DD tight, kids are awesome.

[springydaffs]

Great post oneeyed.

[TheLastCarnival]

Betty, I have no idea what to say, except that your post made me cry. No one deserves to have such crap in their lives, I do hope you can find therapy or a peer group to support.

As for making friends, for years I assumed that people didn't like me and so I didn't really make an effort but there was one woman from the group of mums at the school gate that constantly included me, asked me to join them for coffee, lunches etc. She saw something in me that I never did, now I have a three very close friends and a large group of others I meet up with occasionally even though all our kids have left primary and moved on.

If you can get out of the house then go to the school gates, ask your daughter who her friends are and then see if you can chat to their mothers, children generally have good instincts for people and chances are the kids she likes will have parents that you will like. Making friends doesn't happen overnight, like any relationship it is a long process of based on shared interests and building trust, and you will feel awkward at first, most people do they just don't tell you about it.

[Unreasonablebetty]

Springydaffs- you are 100% right, it was a huge mistake for me to run away and decide that i was ok and everything would be fine.
I will say in my defence, I was only seventeen, and I thought that I knew better than anyone.
Just shy of 8 years later I am more than happy to accept that I was in the wrong, and sadly the lady I was working with at the time was so wonderful, I've been to 3 different people since, none of which have been a patch on her, sadly i moved to a different county so working with her is no longer a possibility,
I'd heard really bad things about that type of counselling when I ran the idea past someone a few years ago, but you know, I think it might be a really good step for me to take, because one of my main struggles is I do get so very upset, and I've been into appointments with the mental health team, one particular day I went in and cried and cried throughout the appointment and I had told her of a traumatic day, which I won't recount because it sounds like a Friday night on eastenders! And the woman just sat with her mouth agape. I think I need some understanding. I can understand there's a line between being too empathetic and professionalism, but in my view you have to be able to understand the effect traumatic events have had on someone's life.
I felt I had really reached as far as I could go when I went into an appointment having been assaulted by my boyfriend and she just asked if I wanted a higher dose of antidepressant. Can I ask, these kind of sessions, how triggering are they? I've never done group therapy, am I going to be feeling 10 times as bad as leaving the 1-2-1 sessions?

[springydaffs]

Group therapy is not the same as support groups. Support groups are headed up by a facilitator/s, group therapy is headed by a therapist. I've only done a little bit of group therapy and it didn't really do it for me, but I have friends who swear by it, say it transformed their lives. Horses for courses. My issue is that I immediately lock horns with the therapist, which isn't great for the rest of the group, of which I am aware, and I don't feel I can get my shit out. I need 1-2-1 to get my teeth into that - and a therapist who knows what I'm doing and can keep pace!

I am just embarking on a fresh tranche of therapy and sometimes the break is as valuable as the therapy iyswim. It's good to have a fallow field sometimes, you come back with some valuable material to work on.

Ime of (good) private therapy, therapists are very skilled at sensitively closing you down by the end of the session so you are ready to face the world again. But I always book therapy early in the day so I sleep that night! Too late in the day and I am too unsettled to sleep. It takes a fair few hours, and a good many hours of ordinary life, to settle me down.

I don't know if you have the equivalent of BACP (British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists) where you live. But you could call BACP to see if they have any leads about a similar org in your country. You can also book Skype sessions with anyone in the world!

[Robotgirl]

Hi OP
Sounds like you're having a pretty crap time. You've been through a hell of a lot & you sound like an incredibly strong, amazing person to me to get where you're at now.
Wishing you all the best for you & your child & husband.