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To those who have escaped DV

(23 Posts)
Means2anend Tue 10-Nov-15 22:13:38

Did u ever really truly believe there was no way out? im in a situation that i just cant see an end to. Its been like this for years and im able to keeps things reasonably ok in the relationship now but thats only because i know how to 'behave' and basically just live like a prisoner now.
I cant bare the thought of staying in this relationship any longer but i know if i left he would try to kill me or hurt my family. Im sure abusive men say stuff like that to scare women but i know he would do it.
All i can think about is what my life would be like without him in it but i just feel like i cant risk my family by getting away.
I feel like it might be affecting me mentally now aswell because i keep catching myself daydreaming about what life would be like if he died. Anyway what i wanted to ask is did anyone else feel like this and did you get away? how did u do it and what happened afterwards?

HormonalHeap Tue 10-Nov-15 22:28:23

I believed there was no way out. I was also afraid he would hurt my (our) children. Then he did something so terrible and that was the moment I realised I didn't actually have a choice.

Do you have children? What you don't see is that you don't have a choice either. You think you do, but you don't. You absolutely, 100%, have to get out. In my case the stronger I became, the weaker he became in response. yih have to take steps to minimise any damage he could do, then leave. I know how you feel because I have been there. I know how hard it is. But think of it as saving your life because that's what you have to do. Have you confided in your family. Hard to start, but you need to, and then it becomes easier. If you give more detail will try and advise you more x

Means2anend Tue 10-Nov-15 22:46:10

Thankyou for your reply you made me cry. Im terrified. I cant tell my family i dont want to worry them and i wouldnt be able to tell them how bad it is.
Ive tried to be strong but that just makes him worse. I think the only way i could go is next time he does something i call the police. Im so worried about what would happen afterwards though. Ive never reported it before so even if they arrested him they would have to let him go at some point wouldnt they. I hopefully could go to a refuge but my family wouldnt have any protection from him.
We have a young son, who adores his dad.
I know 100% he will try and kill me if i leave. So its like staying is the better option even though i know i cant carry on like this.
Well done for getting away, you must be so brave. What happened after you left, did you feel protected by the police?
Sorry for rambling im just trying to gett it out quickly, its taken me months to get the courage to post

Joysmum Tue 10-Nov-15 22:53:09

Don't want to worry your family ? sad

Imagine your son grown up and in you situation. How would you feel if he hid it from you in some misguided belief he didn't want to worry you.

Seriously, get help in real life. Trust in the people around you to share your problems.

Means2anend Tue 10-Nov-15 22:58:56

I cant tell anyone in real life. I confided in people years ago and it just made things worse. People expect you to just get out of the situation but they dont underatand how dangerous he is.
The only way i can get out is if he does something really bad and i call the police. Or he dies. Those are my only options. And im going to sound mentally unhinghed now but i pray every day that he will die.

Psycobabble Tue 10-Nov-15 23:00:52

I have not been in your situation my relationship was emotionally abusive and the odd time pysically but I was not afraid like you are so I can't imagine how that feels but what sprung out at me is you not telling your family for not wanting to worry them

I didn't tell my family any of what went on more out of feelin ashamed that I put up with his shit for so long and that I would let someone treat me so bad . When we split up they were so shocked and also upset that thy couldn't have helped me to leave sooner because obviously I never gave them the chance to as they didn't know

Please don't keep this all to yourself it gives him even more power

If you truly believe he is capable of what he says then you must get out!!! If you believe he would kill you if you left then surely he could do that anyway so leaving is the only option . I'm struggling to explain properly what I mean I hope you see what I'm saying and please please try get some help in real life

Happydappy99 Tue 10-Nov-15 23:02:25

I got out when I never ever thought I could. I had a lot of support from local DV service and still do as they are helping me and the children recover from it.

FriendofBill Tue 10-Nov-15 23:04:57

Call womans aid.
Speak to the experts.
You can get away flowers

HormonalHeap Tue 10-Nov-15 23:07:56

He would kill the mother of his child? I'm hopin someone more experienced will come along as I don't feel qualified enough to advise you. But one thing is for sure. Please, please tell your family. You absolutely have to tell them how bad it is. Can you imagine if anything did happen how bad they would feel not having known about it? And then you need to go and speak to the police and women's aid.

My situation was different in that he was abusive and unhinged but I did not think he would kill me, even though he threatened once. He has now moved on and I am happily remarried. You can have the same but you have to take action now, for you and for your boy. Thinking of you xxx

Means2anend Tue 10-Nov-15 23:10:44

Thankyou yes i get what youbare saying, i would say the same to anyone else. I dont think telling them would help me enough to justify upsetting them though. I know what i would need to do to physically get away but it's what will happen afterwards that im scared of.
All these things he's done in the past and ive never reported, if i wait till next time what if what he does isnt that bad and he doesnt even get arrested? And i read somehwere that to get a non mol dv has to have been reported to the police previously. Is that right? So i may not even get any protection from them? My family cant protect me from him

OnTheEdgeToday Tue 10-Nov-15 23:12:37

I have felt like that. I truly believed he would kill me if i left. I thought he was going to kill me on several occasions when i was in the relationship.
I did try to stab him once, missed and got battered.
I eventually spoke to womens aid, and the police, my parents already knew. Social services got involved and told me if i dont leave, i will lose my kids. I got panic alarms fitted, i was stalked for 2 years. I was told my every movement, everyday for a few months straight.

10 years on...i still believe his threat..or promise that he will kill me one day. Thankfully i am now in the position to say no contact with his son. Police are fantastic in dealing with things like this now. I know because i was stupid enough to find another abuser.
I took more help from the police this time than i did womens aid. They came to my home to check on my every few days and made daily phone calls to me for check ins.

Dont be afraid. Get all of the support you can get and take it. You might not be ready now, but you will find the strength. I hope it is sooner rather than later xx

ohnoppp Tue 10-Nov-15 23:12:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Imgoingtochangemylife Tue 10-Nov-15 23:12:44

I got out. I never thought I could.

I got in touch with a Womens refuge far away from where we lived, in a completely random place.

Then when the time was right my dc and I just up and left, we had nothing at all.

The refuge helped out with benefits, food, clothes etc.

It wasn't easy, it still isn't, and I'm a year down the line from leaving.

But now I can look back and see what a terrible situation I was in and how far I have come.

It really was the best thing I ever did for my dc and for me.

YOu have the strength to get out, you really do, what you don't have is the confidence because he has taken it.

Please email or call womens aid, they will give you advice about contacting them safely too.

Good luck op flowers

You deserve so much more than the life you have right now.

OnTheEdgeToday Tue 10-Nov-15 23:15:26

My last abusive relationship - i had never reported him. He was all emotional abuse rather than physical.
When i told him to leave. He was aggressive, verbally.
Later that day he came to my parents house banging on the windows and doors insisting i give him my house keys. I called the police, domestic violence was logged - i got my non mol.

Abuser cannot help but react when you take back control. When you leave, you will be given the opportunity to report and get your non mol.

Rozalia0 Tue 10-Nov-15 23:17:25

Please find a way to talk to Women's Aid. The local number is most likely to be promptly answered.

Well done for posting. You've been very brave and taken an enormously important first step. I know how scary it is, but I'm out now.

Keep yourself safe, but don't give up. You can and will get away, just do so safely. thanks

If it is safe for you, you'll find a lot of support on MN. If it's not safe now, it will be one day. Find a way to make that call to WA.

Psycobabble Tue 10-Nov-15 23:23:26

Bless you op I see how it must feel like reporting to the police may not be enough to keep him away and that telling your family will just worry them and they can't protect you that must be so hard to feel like that but honestly you can't go on as you are , keep on here because honestly you will get amazing advice and support from those who have been were you are and have come out the other side flowers

Means2anend Tue 10-Nov-15 23:23:34

Wow thankyou everyone for taking the time to reply. Ive kept this secret for so long its such a relief to let it out.

ontheedge and *imgoingtochange i want to be as strong as you. I know i have to get out. I read warnings about the numbers of women killed by dv and just think im going to be one if them. But i want to be one of you. Hopefully this thread is the start of that. I feel more hope after your messages than i have done in a long time

Rozalia0 Tue 10-Nov-15 23:27:26

Lots of "safe"s in my post!

So glad you're feeling some hope OP. it's amazing what talking about it does. Kind of opens up a dark secret and light and air pour in. That's how it felt to me.

Imgoingtochangemylife Tue 10-Nov-15 23:29:01

Believe me Means I didn't feel strong at the time I left.

I felt weak, like a failure, like I was doing the wrong thing by everyone, especially my dc. Turns out it was the best thing I ever did.

Please, please contact womens aid for a chat. They won't force you to do anything you don't want to do, but they are very experienced in dealing with women in situations just like yours.

Even if you just use them for a chat to begin with until you get some confidence in yourself.

You CAN do this, I promise you.

OnTheEdgeToday Tue 10-Nov-15 23:30:26

Under a different name - mumsnetters gave me the strength to leave my last relationship.
I wrote down everything...and each time i went back to read what i wrote, and what MN's were saying, i grew stronger. Even in the midst of me telling him to leave, i was on here. MN were literally with me every step of the way giving me the strength i needed. You will get there xx

clarinsgirl Tue 10-Nov-15 23:39:10

You are not alone. I have never been in your situation but I'm involved with a DV charity and I know that if you get the right support then you will find safety. Please find your local provider of outreach support and get some advice. They will be able to support you every step of the way and no matter how bad things are, they will be able to help.

Ledkr Tue 10-Nov-15 23:41:18

Yes I know how you feel. My ex was a total psycho and I was terrified to leave him but I went to a refuge and just lay low untill the dust settled.
I didn't truly feel safe untill he met someone else (thank God)
I had a few years of stalking and threats but me and the kids were still safer than living with him.
I had a fractured skull, a burst .
Having common svrredTs@&
eardrum, he used to take all my clothes after he'd hurt me so I couldn't leavd but I once still ran down the road naked.
This was all 28 yrs ago when there was not so much understanding and help. Go for it, use all the resources you can.
Good luck and God bless you both x

FrancesHaHa Tue 10-Nov-15 23:45:13

If you can speak to a local DV service they could go through your options, and if you did decide to leave would help you plan the safest way to do it. Your local council website should have the number.

Please cover your tracks though, eg delete any searches from your browser history, make sure he doesn't know your mumsnet password. Sounds obvious, but not everyone does it.

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