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I have severe problems with relationships, need advice :(

(18 Posts)
StarryEyed2015 Tue 10-Nov-15 21:20:10

I'm 29 and have a 9 year old. Myself and her dad were seeing each other for a few weeks, and that is the longest relationship I've ever had.

It seems to me that people find relationships so easily and yet I struggle so much to find someone. I develop stupid little crushes on guys and when I tell them I want to take things further they run a mile. I've got deep rooted confidence issues because I've just been made to feel fat, ugly and worthless with pretty much every guy that's been in my life, romantic or otherwise. Sleeping with guys in my younger years because I thought it would make them like me enough to start up a relationship hasn't helped matters, it's just made me feel that's all I'm good for. I've realised this doesn't work and I don't do it anymore, but because of that, I haven't had sex in nearly 8 years. I get so lonely because I don't really get to go out and socialise much, because I'm a single parent, and also because I've sort of drifted from the friends I used to have, and find it quite difficult to make more.

It's got to the point now that I feel like just giving up. I'm sick of all the heartache, stress, and being made to feel worthless. I've actually looked into antiandrogen drugs online, which is what is used in chemical castration. It feels like it might actually be the only thing to make me happy, and be able to live my life properly. If the feelings aren't there in the first place, I'm not going to keep going through this endless cycle of being hurt. People might be of the opinion that being hurt is a part of life, but so is love and sex, and I just get the hurt, not the love and sex.

I've spoke to my counselor on a few occasions about my inability to form relationships and she just doesn't have any constructive advice about it. I'm hoping there's some people on here that might.

donajimena Tue 10-Nov-15 21:23:00

Don't buy anything online for starters. Now, we've heard all your bad points, what makes you special? What are your good points?

BIWI Tue 10-Nov-15 21:24:14

Well it sounds like you need a different counsellor for a start.

StarryEyed2015 Tue 10-Nov-15 21:27:09

She's an ok counselor actually, helped me a lot with confidence issues but I think maybe my issues on relationships are too severe for her to help sad

StarryEyed2015 Tue 10-Nov-15 21:28:06

Good points... Hard one. Good sense of humour I suppose...

noclueses Tue 10-Nov-15 21:39:36

but confidence issues aer probably are your relationship issues, at least that s how she sees it. What do you think may be the other problem, OP?

StarryEyed2015 Tue 10-Nov-15 21:45:54

I suppose being shy, awkward, issues with how I look. I just don't know how to engage with people, especially men I'm attracted to

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs Tue 10-Nov-15 21:53:16

How are you at friendships with men you are not attracted to?

StarryEyed2015 Tue 10-Nov-15 21:57:42

I don't tend to have a lot of male friends but get on well with partners of friends and family members

donajimena Tue 10-Nov-15 22:12:35

Ok. I know my post is a bit short and sweet but the point I am making is that unless you value yourself no one else will value you either.
Saying that you need to value yourself is of course, far easier said than done.
Do you have any hobbies or interests? What makes you happy?

donajimena Tue 10-Nov-15 22:15:29

Oh and you aren't the first person to make the mistake of sleeping with a man in the hope that a relationship will follow. I've done it too and didn't wise up anywhere near as early as you did. So you can let that guilt go now. This minute. I command you. smile

StarryEyed2015 Tue 10-Nov-15 22:26:32

I don't feel guilty about it as such, it just really damaged my self-esteem sad I know I need to learn to value myself but like you said, it's so difficult. How I've been treated in the past by men has affected me and I don't know how to let it go and move on.

As for hobbies, never really had any until recently. Started volunteering in a cafe which inspired me to start getting into baking and also started to learn to knit. Apart from those, video games were my main hobby.

StarryEyed2015 Wed 11-Nov-15 21:12:35


gatewalker Wed 11-Nov-15 22:04:25

OP, I'd consider moving from a counsellor to a therapist. This will almost certainly have its roots in your birth family, and therapy addresses this directly. It's hard work, but if you find the right therapist for you, it is absolutely worth it.

April2013 Thu 12-Nov-15 09:42:23

Perhaps this is less about you and just because you haven't met the right person yet? Hang on in there, you never know what is around the corner. Maybe focus on you, hobbies with and without your son, things that make you feel good to start with, then when you feel a bit better consider stepping into the dating world, but there's no rush, you are very young.

stepdad85 Thu 12-Nov-15 13:06:01

There will be someone for you!

I have always been attracted to shy, slightly awkward and self conscious woman. I realize that sounds a bit weird when reading it back, that might say something about myself too but I who knows?

I find confident in your face "look at me" type of woman unattractive regardless of how perfect their body and looks may be.

pocketsaviour Thu 12-Nov-15 13:45:17

Nice white-knighting, stepdad hmm

OP, did your family of origin encourage you to believe in your worth as a person? Did they show you that a relationship should be between two equal, respectful and loving partners? Did they actively try to improve your confidence?

If not - if you were parented neglectfully and/or abusively, or were shown by example that it's perfectly fine to criticise and belittle your partner, then I agree with gatewalker that a therapist might be called for here. You need to find a way to re-parent the inner child (sorry if that sounds totally woo) and give yourself the love and nurturing that you should have received.

MadeMan Fri 13-Nov-15 16:00:30

"Apart from those, video games were my main hobby."

What video games do you play then?

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