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is this distant family member coming onto me? if so, what should I do?!

(58 Posts)
Bjornstar Tue 10-Nov-15 16:45:33

I was recently at a family event where my dad's cousin and her husband were there. They are much older than me ( 35+years) so I thought nothing of giving him my mobile number when he asked for it (in front of his wife) and mentioned lunch. I said it would be very nice to catch up.

We went for lunch today and he insisted on picking me up from home. His wife was not with him, I still didn't think much of it as he is that much older than me!

I asked where his wife was and he said they had decided to separate but were still good friends. I was shocked as this was not common knowledge but I do believe it as he is abroad a lot so imagine it would put a strain on them.

When we were eating, he went a bit doe eyes on me and telling me I looked fantastic and said he thought we had a lot in common. He then asked if he could share some of my pudding! He did! He practically threw his cake onto my plate.

He said the time has gone too quickly (I said I couldn't be long as had to pick my son up from school). He said we should do it soon and where would I like to go. He asked if he could take me to the opera!

When we got outside, he said he wanted to take my picture and he did.

Then after he dropped me home he sent a text saying he had a meeting in Paris and wished he could take me with him! Also asked me to call him tonight if I wanted to.

Dh knew about the lunch and was in stitches when I gave him the details.

Think I know he was being an opportunist! But how do I respond without being rude people?

Thank you!!!!

AliceInUnderpants Tue 10-Nov-15 16:47:11

WTF? If you choose to respond you tell him you are married and his behaviour is inappropriate. Or you avoid him completely.

What else would you do?

fuzzywuzzy Tue 10-Nov-15 16:49:29

Yuck, ignore, if he persists, tell him no.

Bjornstar Tue 10-Nov-15 16:49:48

Yes of course, just a bit shocked I guess!

TheSpottedZebra Tue 10-Nov-15 16:50:15


If you don't want to be (obviously) rude, what about replying something like - it was great to meet you, it's so nice to be able to continue family ties, particularly with the older generation. Just so you know, I hope also to stay in touch with Mrs Creep, as she is the blood relation. Best wishes, your 2nd cousin Alice.

OurBlanche Tue 10-Nov-15 16:50:49

Swap phones with your DH for a while, that should put him off smile

Seriously, now you are over the initial shock, you just need to have a sentence or three ready for him:

1. Please stop, you are only embarrassing yourself

2. No thank you. You seem to have made some assumptions there, Uncle X

3. Delete my number, leave me alone.

That sort of thing smile

Tell your dad too, smile when you do and say that X is a funny old thing, isn't he? I say that as belt and braces may be required, remember you only have his word that he is separated...

Bjornstar Tue 10-Nov-15 16:51:15

Lol the spottedzebra!

TheSpottedZebra Tue 10-Nov-15 16:51:20

Edit - Mr Alice and I hope to also stay in touch with...

AliceInUnderpants Tue 10-Nov-15 16:53:07

Eh, he's not my sleazy relative wink

Boleh Tue 10-Nov-15 16:55:35

You just reply and say 'that's a very generous offer but I don't think it would be appropriate since I'm happily married' surely. Not rude but very clear.

TheSpottedZebra Tue 10-Nov-15 16:57:37

Oh sorry Alice! Not sure why I am implicating you in this confused


Hissy Tue 10-Nov-15 17:04:06

Could someone explain to me why there is a need NOT TO BE RUDE to a bloke who hurled himself at a married distant relative??

Why are women supposed to just let this shit go?

Tell your dad and then tell this creep that you are not at all happy at his behaviour and that he has no right nor need to come near you or your family again. I'd also add that I would not blame his wife for leaving him, it's a wonder she stayed so long given his revolting behaviour.

OurBlanche Tue 10-Nov-15 17:09:51

Absolutely, Hissy. He can be ignored but there is no reason why OP should not be rude if he persists.

I get why she wasn't able to do/say anything at lunch. I mean, who would have been able to process that was actually, reallio-trulio happening? Sadly he may have taken her stunned lack of response as sexy-luvver-luvver interest confused

Good luck, OP. But don't dwell on it, it will probably take itself away sharpish.

TheSpottedZebra Tue 10-Nov-15 17:11:10

Blanche -cos she said in OP that she didn't want to be rude.

bjrce Tue 10-Nov-15 17:12:09

"Tell him to fuck off!."

Why would you care about not being rude to an arsehole like that. The cheek of him. Some men, ( not all), are just so entitled!

Hissy Tue 10-Nov-15 17:23:52

The thing is with blokes like him, thy target those who are "nice" and who are people pleasers, take them somewhere nice and then pull a stunt like that.

99% of us would smile politely and wonder wtaf to do. Including those of us that are single!

What he's done is totally out of order, he's approached a distant relative at a family do, and extracted a number in a dubious manner and then made clumsy and unwelcome overtures.

This "not being rude" nonsense is exactly what he's banking on.

It's sleazy and creepy. He's 35 years older... Exactly how long has he been leering at the op?

He knows that the op wouldn't have made a scene. This is why he chose her. Predatory and inappropriate.

This shows a complete lack of respect for the OP, for her DH and her family. He has no respect for himself or for his wife.

Guiltypleasures001 Tue 10-Nov-15 17:37:43

No no sod that

Get ya Xmas lists in now send him a link for the Victoria's Secret catalogue or some such
Oh wow this could be hours of fun grin

Potatoface2 Tue 10-Nov-15 17:45:14

blimey.....have you told your dad.....i would....and the alice mistake hilarious lol

Bjornstar Tue 10-Nov-15 21:31:56

He has called me today asking me to call him if i would like to.

I have hopefully closed it off by thanking him very much for a lovely dinner and said it was good to chat with him and I wished him all the best.

I have not heard back.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs Tue 10-Nov-15 21:50:31

There's not being rude and there's overly polite OP.
In your head that probably read as non commital closure. In his head "it was good to chat" will read as kets do that again you are totally on.

The fact that you are 35 years younger, married, related to his wife and have shown no interest in him hasn't stopped him from thinking you are interested so I very much doubt "it was good to chat" will get the message over

If he does invite you out again say "I cannot accept your offer of {date} but dh is free and would love to go if you are at loose end." Or else just "I am not now nor will I ever be interested in you"

Bjornstar Tue 10-Nov-15 22:24:47

He actually texted again asking if i would like to meet next week before he goes off abroad.

I feel very embarrassed and guilty as he spent a lot of money on the lunch and he wouldn't let me pay my share so i said I would get the next one to fend off the awkwardness of that. Obviously the wrong thing to say!

bjrce Tue 10-Nov-15 23:39:15

OMG! OP I can't believe you said that!

Look at the situation you've got yourself in by being "polite".
First thing: Stop feeling guilty and embarrassed. He has totally overstepped the line here. All he wants is to sleep with you, he couldn't care less whether you're married or not. The only thing he cares about is himself.

Next time he contacts you, don't answer the phone. If he texts you, ignore him. If you don't have it in you to tell him to get lost, don't worry. Just avoid him at all costs.

If you converse with him again, it will only get worse.

DontMindMe1 Wed 11-Nov-15 00:34:08

-are you secretly enjoying the attention or something? hmm How difficult is it to say "I AM MARRIED! I LOVE MY HUSBAND! AND YOU ARE BEING VERY INAPPROPRIATE! DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN!"

He's made it blatantly obvious he wants to shag you and you're encouraging him. Also, what kind of man behaves like this towards a woman he KNOWS is married AND 35 years younger than him? I think you know the answer to that.

Also, have you thought about the possibility that he's deliberately doing this to hurt his soon-to-ex-wife?

AnyFucker Wed 11-Nov-15 00:38:58

Is anyone imagining actual steam coming out of Hissy's ears right now ? grin

Hissy Wed 11-Nov-15 01:06:37

I can't bear sleazy bastards, I can't bear cheats... I can't bear those who target the nice amongst us...

Yep. Steamin! grin

Op, he spent a lot of money because he thinks you'll sleep with him.

I was going to say fuck, but I gagged a little.

Just text him "don't contact me again" and then just block him. He's not worth another second of your time

He's got you doubting yourself now, and that's not on.

Just as well your dh has a sense of humour eh?

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