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how do you work out custody arrangements when you split?

(44 Posts)
RueDesTroisFreres Tue 10-Nov-15 16:32:35

Dp announced this afternoon that he wants to split. Think he was expecting me to disagree but I didn't. He said he would want 3.5 days per week. I said I wanted whatever is best for children. Pretty sure they'll be used as a pawn as he's already asked 4yo if he thinks mummy and daddy are better together or apart, told 4yo mummy hates daddy, and regularly asks Dc if they prefer him or me.

Our home is mine, bought before we met, I've made all mortgage payments. We were planning to move next yr anyhow because we haven't enough space and can't afford to move in same area. Dp told me I'd have to get a court order to get him to leave so that he could be homeless and get a flat (he can't work for medical reasons). He just said this, I never told him to go. He also said I would have to give him shared use of the car, which was an outright gift from my parents.

I recognise that he will be in the shit and have offered to give him some money when I sell the house next year. How do you decide what custody arrangement is best for dc? Even if we agreed 50/50 I don't think it would end up that way as his mental health issues would prevent him from caring for them for significant chunks of time.

Derbyday Tue 10-Nov-15 17:20:21

As you say, do what's best for the kids. It's hard to give them up to someone for half the time, especially if you think they're a bit of a twat but he probably feels the same.

I have my DC every other week. I'd happily alter that to set days each week but my ex-H won't alter it for various reasons. My ex-H also has some MH issues but unless he's a danger to the DC it's not worth taking into consideration. Plenty of people with MH issues are parents so you need to consider what a judge would decide if you fight over custody.

Just think carefully about what custody pattern you implement as you might be stuck with it

goddessofsmallthings Tue 10-Nov-15 17:38:24

Are you married? Is the property that you bought before you met him in your sole name and how long has he been living with you?

When did he last work and is his current medical condition expected to improve to the extent that he will be abe to take up paid employment in the near future? Is he receiving DLA?

How old are your dc and has he at any time been a sahd while you worked to support your family? What are your current childcare arrangements?

With regard to your car, you are under no obligation whatsoever to share it with him.

It sounds as if he's trying to pull a fast one (or a couple) on you and I suspect that he's asking for 50/50 as a means of control and a way of avoiding having to pay child maintenance.

Using the dc to score points is despicable, but you already know that and it is good reason to ensure that he leaves your home asap

RueDesTroisFreres Tue 10-Nov-15 18:19:24

He's just sent dc1 (8) in to ask me if I can promise that we'll always live all together as a family, and whether I love daddy angry
And told me that I have a chance to win him back this evening, ie he wants sex. Which will not be happening.

RueDesTroisFreres Tue 10-Nov-15 18:29:45

God we aren't married, property is in my sole name and he has lived here 9yrs.

He last worked about 8 yrs ago, was signed off with a mental breakdown after dc1 born, was on incapacity and dla for a while. He didn't renew dla because he intended to go back to work but it didn't happen. He is in was support group (not expected to find work). His illness is cyclical so sadly although intelligent and very able some of the time the bad periods make it v hard to find permanent work.

Dc are 8,4,4,1. He was SAHD for twins for 1 yr while I worked. During that time I had to take a month off when he was ill, so it wasn't sustainable. Am currently on mat leave with dd and about to hand in my notice because not economical to work as childcare would eat all of wages leaving us/me unable to live.

I want the scoop to see him regularly, just don't know how you work out what's best for them. When he's well he can be an excellent dad. But when he's ill he is EA I think and that's why I don't feel I can do it any more. I actually still love him but I don't think we work.

RueDesTroisFreres Tue 10-Nov-15 18:30:27

ESA support group, not was

RueDesTroisFreres Tue 10-Nov-15 18:31:43

Dc not fucking scoop you stupid phone. Sigh

ASAS Tue 10-Nov-15 18:32:25

Well rid by the sounds of him. Sorry nothing more helpful to add.

RueDesTroisFreres Tue 10-Nov-15 19:23:09

God, he's just tried to say to dc1 that we've decided to split because of something dc1 told me yesterday. I stopped that conversation before he got to the point so dc1 unaware I think but I don't think this is going to be easy. Also told me that he would not see dc, and that he would lock me in court for years to come, which two statements don't even make sense together.
He has always, on and off, accused me of infidelity throughout our relationship, makes comments about me fancying any man I talk to which are ostensibly jokes but he doesn't stop when I've told him it upsets me. I have never been unfaithful. I changed the code on my phone tonight because he reads my threads on mn and I didn't want him reading this one. He says this is proof that I've been lying since beginning of relationship. I laughed (yet more proof - not taking it seriously) but I feel sad

Actually don't know how I can get him to leave?

He says I EA him. Don't think I do, but if so all the more reason to split.

Elendon Tue 10-Nov-15 19:34:18

You are married. It will be an equal parity when it comes to the split.

Regardless of who says what. Regardless if either of you shagged two hundred people.

If he has built up debts in his name then he takes that away from the marriage, you are not responsible for his debts.

Go for 50/50 childcare arrangements if you are both close to schools, though this will be problematic when it comes to University.

The children are the most important factor, then the finance.

RueDesTroisFreres Tue 10-Nov-15 19:38:39

We are not married

Elendon Tue 10-Nov-15 19:47:23

In that case only the welfare of the children are taken into consideration.

Primarily the family home. Unless the person leaving can provide another.

You have your house. I hope it's in your name only. You cannot ask him to leave though, especially if he has been the primary carer of the children. The courts recognise the value now of this.

If he was not the primary carer, then seek legal advice as to how to get rid of him.

MrsRobbStark Tue 10-Nov-15 19:48:33

So basically this has all started as far as I can see because he wanted a bit of an ego boost and expected you to beg him not to leave etc?

What a twat. Carry on as you are OP, you're being strong and deserve so much better.

lavenderhoney Tue 10-Nov-15 19:49:31

If you aren't married and the house and car are in your name, then you can give him notice to leave. Where will he go? His parents?

If you've always paid the morgage and he hasn't contributed then he doesn't have any rights to the property. Or your car. Or any assets and nor are you liable for his debt. As you aren't married the only issue is the DC. Is he a sahp now? Who does the childcare whilst you work?

Tell him and keep a note to stop talking like that to the DC. Tell the DC he has been asked by you not to. They should tell you if he keeps on and you make a note of it.

He wanted to split so he must have a plan. Has he said what his plan was?

lavenderhoney Tue 10-Nov-15 19:53:17

Debt doesn't get taken away if it's in his name only. My ex dh ran up thousands of debt and it was used in the form e to ensure my assets paid it off and we were equal at the end. But you're not married op, so this is a non issue for you.

Make sure you don't have a joint account.

Elendon Tue 10-Nov-15 20:00:09

Debt in a person's name only is considered their debt unless they can prove conclusively that the other person contributed to it (which is difficult to do unless the debt is in store cards - bad idea)

My ex ran up thousands of pounds and it was dismissed as his spending (and not me living a 'lifestyle'.

RueDesTroisFreres Tue 10-Nov-15 20:00:49

I think mrsrobbsshark is right, he expected me to beg him not to leave. He has no plan, neither do I. Am going to see CAB to see if they have any useful advice.

He is not primary carer. He looked after twins 3 days a week for a year. Why does that mean I can't ask him to leave? Do I have to leave in order to end relationship?
Then I went on mat leave with dc4 and I have been off on leave (mat followed by parental) since. Due to return to work Jan but going to hand in notice. I do majority of childcare currently.

MrsRobbStark Tue 10-Nov-15 20:03:12

Don't leave your home whatever you do! I don't have much more advice on a practical side like that but definitely do not move out of your house.

honeyroar Tue 10-Nov-15 20:18:21

Tell him you're saving screenshots of all blaming texts sent to your children's phones. Tell him it's not acceptable for a father to do that to his children. Then get legal advice Asap. I'm 100% for giving fathers fair and good access to children, but this guy is taking the mick and he is only looking out for himself at the moment.

lavenderhoney Tue 10-Nov-15 20:38:58

i don't want to derail the thread but that's interesting re debt. I am currently in the throes of financial settlements.

Op, you don't need an order to split! but you might need to see a solicitor to get your facts straight legally. And you can say to him when he moves out and is settled, the norm is every other weekend and one weekday night but you can work up to that, for his and the DC sake. If he wants to be a twat let him, but document all his crap to the kids and mention it to the solicitor.

RueDesTroisFreres Tue 10-Nov-15 20:44:51

He's currently bombarding me with texts saying that I will regret doing this to the dc, think of them, put them first etc. I was actually happy when he said he was leaving. I want them to see their dad but I don't think that our relationship is a healthy role model for them. Now he doesn't want to split again. I want to stick to my guns, but it's hard. Fucking fuck. Not being very coherent clearly,- sorry.
I really really really don't want things to go legal.

RueDesTroisFreres Tue 10-Nov-15 20:46:17

Thanks lavenderhoney that's useful to know about the norm.

honeyroar Tue 10-Nov-15 20:49:29

Why don't you want to go down the legal route? It's the quickest way to tie things up and for things to settle down for you all and stop him playing with your heads..

alicemalice Tue 10-Nov-15 20:53:20

You really need a lawyer. He has no rights to the house (unfortunately for him).

TempusEedjit Tue 10-Nov-15 20:56:47

So basically you've unknowingly called his bluff and now he's realising he may have killed his golden goose and is trying to backtrack.

In this case it's to your advantage that you're not married as it should be much less complicated to separate, lavender is right about the standard access pattern especially if you're primary carer now (courts like to maintain the status quo as far as possible when it comes to DC).

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