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Is it the end of the road? Do I just give up?

(17 Posts)
ArmsofBathurst Tue 10-Nov-15 16:04:34

Long time lurker, first time poster. I've screwed up the courage to finally post my situation because I simply do not know what to do and I need some wise advice please.

Marriage broke down five years ago; I met another man whilst only recently single and we fell head over heels for each other. But ultimately, the situation was too complicated and the relationship didn't work at that time. There was no shortage of love or commitment, we (certainly I) needed to be single for a period of time to recover emotionally before another relationship could be successful. I never fell out of love with him, I have never loved another man. Now that I have experienced real love I know that I've never had it before. Not even in marriage (we were very young).

So whilst I took time out, he started dating again instantly and got into a serious relationship with another woman. He moved in with her (we never lived together) and they were together just under a year. We had sporadic contact during this time which intensified after their relationship ended. For the last few weeks we've had all-day contact (think around 5-10 messages per day plus facetime, etc.) I have kept the communication very light hearted as I didn't want to be a rebound or put pressure on him. He has told me clearly at the end of his relationship that he doesn't want to be with me and doesn't envisage a time when he will. But his messages, behaviour and level of emotional care does not back this up. He seems really into me but I saw him this weekend and he didn't behave towards me in any respect like someone who cares for me in 'that' way.

It's been a long road for us and I'm not sure that I'll ever love another man again (we're both early 30s). I just want to know from an outsider's perspective whether I should be cutting all ties and forgetting about him or whether there might be something in the future for us? The trouble being that the longer he doesn't want to be with me (or anyone else) the more he's going to have prove it if he does decide he wants to, iyswim?

I'm really confused, lonely and sad, and I have a lot of people (not just men) telling me that I am attractive, that a man would be lucky to have me and that he must be mad not to want to. I only say this as it seems to be the general consensus.

Any advice very gratefully received smile

Twitterqueen Tue 10-Nov-15 16:08:43

He's told you he doesn't want a relationship with you.
He has demonstrated by his behaviour that he doesn't want a relationship with you.
He moved in with another woman because your 'old' relationship did not work out.

What part of this don't you get OP? You are clutching at straws. Wave him goodbye and find someone else.

You are WAY too young to be saying you'll never love another man again...
Trust me on that.

Helmetbymidnight Tue 10-Nov-15 16:11:27

Op you have got it bad smile

Of course you should cut ties with this one who is clearly having his cake, eating it, and smudging it in your face right now.

Twinklestein Tue 10-Nov-15 16:13:50

I'm sorry OP, he's told you very clearly that he doesn't want to be with you.

He's texting because you're a mate and he's bored and lonely and you fill up a space in his life.

I don't think he seems into you at all and his behaviour at the weekend shows this.

He's not the only person you can love and he's not the right person for you.
Now you know what love feels like, you'll be able to recognise it in someone else.

category12 Tue 10-Nov-15 16:17:34

For your own sanity, drop contact with him.

HotNatured Tue 10-Nov-15 16:20:05

Pls don't accept these scraps you are being thrown. Your self esteem must be on the floor to even consider that any of this is healthy or good for you.

You are very young, you will meet other men, this man is not the only man on the planet and even if he was, it doesn't matter, he's not interested in pursuing a real relationship with you.

As someone up thread said, his contact is coming from a place of boredom and needing an ego rub, nothing more.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 10-Nov-15 16:26:39

Yes of course you need to cut all ties.
This is just messing with your head.
Get out there a you will find someone else to love when you are good and ready.
He was a rebound.

Justmuddlingalong Tue 10-Nov-15 16:29:10

You are being used as his rebound. Not sexually, but emotionally. You are filling the void for him while he's between relationships. Walk away now. He has told you he doesn't want to be with you. Listen to him!

ArmsofBathurst Tue 10-Nov-15 16:29:25

Thank you all smile You've actually made me smile. I think I've just lost the ability to judge his behaviour for what it is.

Self-esteem - quite probably. Almost definitely, in fact.

Jan45 Tue 10-Nov-15 17:28:58

Jesus - wake up, he's not ever going to want a relationship with you, in fact tell him to FO, you are right, he has no respect for you, I'm baffled why you are even giving him head space.

ArmsofBathurst Tue 10-Nov-15 17:57:42

Jan Because I love him............ confused.

He drives the contact, has pushed and organised to see me. Always him suggesting skype, facetime, never me. It's just since I went up his way at the weekend that I realised I couldn't be his friend. I thought I could, but I can't.

Jan45 Tue 10-Nov-15 18:19:32

Go back and read your post, you are actually sounding like a stalker, the man has told you repeatedly he doesn't want and doesn't envisage a relationship with you but yet you still hang on, until you take those rose tinted specs off then you are just wasting your time on this man, he's had plenty chances, he's not taking them!

Sorry but really time to take it on the chin and find a man that actually wants a proper relationship with you.

TPel Tue 10-Nov-15 18:23:54

What Jan said.

Please move on. You need to keep your self respect. Love just isn't like this.

TooSassy Tue 10-Nov-15 18:39:19

OP. He has been absolutely clear. He isn't interested and you don't stand a chance. He means it.

Now that he's told you that, he thinks (rightly IMO), that there are no mixed messages. He's treating you like a mate to fill the emotional loneliness he is feeling. That's all.

Since you still have the attachment and don't feel the same way as him, You need to stop.
You are so young, get over him and be open to meeting someone else

unicorn501 Tue 10-Nov-15 18:46:04

Just forget about him. I had an ex like this recently... It was just a 5 month relationship through OLD, but it was really intense at the beginning, then fizzled out. We said we'd be friends but I didn't expect it to happen. Then he kept initiating contact, we were texting daily, he would be a bit flirty when drunk, and I suddenly started thinking of him as a potential partner again. We used to see each other as 'friends' and neither of us were seeing anyone else. Then the inevitable happened... We got really drunk and had sex. The next day I was all "what does this mean...?" and he just point blank said his feelings hadn't changed, he didn't want a relationship with me, he thought I knew that. I felt like a real plonker, and was pretty badly hurt.

We're not in touch anymore and I've recently started seeing someone lovely smile Just cut your losses and stop texting him!!

ArmsofBathurst Tue 10-Nov-15 20:41:50

I'm not stalking him, I promise. He initiates all contact. But I think I'm confusing the old passion he used to have for me with the new reality that although he cares about me, he doesn't want to be with me. When we eventually split he said that he was going to get his life sorted and come back for me. Absolutely 100%. And then at a point after he said that he didn't want to be with me, he completely changed his behaviour and said one night "Just bear with me, Arms."

But I can't ignore the reality I suppose. I just feel so very, very sad.

ArmsofBathurst Tue 10-Nov-15 20:43:00

I'm not in danger of texting him. I haven't got anything to say.

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