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When will I feel better?

(6 Posts)
Chucklecheeks Tue 10-Nov-15 13:52:49

DH left on Sunday and moved in with his girlfriend. We were having problems and if I'm honest we were really struggling. The last time we discussed our relationship he left for a day (I now know to hers ), he then came back asking to try again. It's not the split that's making me so angry and sick, it's his deceit.

He went away with work and they shared a room after we agreed to try again. I spoke to him with her sat there next to him. He got a gift for her delivered to our house. I even answered some questions for him about a friends divorce. It was her. We have been together since we were 16. He was my best friend. I could deal with the split and everything that would of come with it because I thought we would work together as a team to do it the best way.

Now I have to tell my children the reason they can't see dad is because he is over an hour away living with another woman. I won't allow her to meet the kids so soon. He won't tell me where he is living, who she is etc. He seems to be amazed I am angry because I knew we were going to split.

I'm more upset about his deceit than the split and I'm fearful of how I will cope truely on my own.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 10-Nov-15 14:00:09

This is horrible and I'm sure you must be going through hell.
But... so many wonderful strong women on here have been right where you are (including me). Wondering how we will cope.
But we all do. We do get through it. We do find out how strong we are.
We do find out how wonderful our friends and family are.
Please get some RL support in place fast.
Do NOT for one minute think about keeping his dirty little secret. You owe him absolutely nothing.
Tell people. Get them to rally round you while you mourn and cry and need that support.

Please contact CAB and find out what you are entitled to in benefits, maintenance etc....

Look after yourself. I can tell you that you are in for a rough ride for a good while yet.
You are probably still in shock.
Keep hydrated and keep your sugar levels up.

Take things bit at a time. Don't plan too far ahead. That will come in time but not yet.

flowers for you.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 10-Nov-15 18:53:32

He was my best friend The operative word here is "was". In transferring his affections and his allegiance to another woman with remarkable callousness speed, he's proved he is no friend to you and you're best advised to regard him accordingly.

This is a time for fast food and getting the dc to muck in with microwaving/cooking and other essential chores. Your mind will be all over the place, but if you keep posting here you'll be able to work through the innumerable issues that accompany adultery and the end of a marriage.

Don't seek to reach agreement with him over anything until you've consulted a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law - many offer a free initial appointment and you can consult several before deciding which one is 'right' for you.

As matters such as childcare arrangements can be resolved as part of the divorce process, there's no need for you to rush into making the dc available for contact or agree to anything you may subsequently come to regret. Any contact he does have with the dc should take place outside of your home with pickups and dropoffs being facilitated on the doorstep - having left of his own accord, he doesn't get to cross your threshold again

Go easy on yourself and take it one day - or one hour - at a time until you've recovered from the shock of his deceit and the abruptness of his departure.

flowers It may seem as if you have a mountain to climb, but you CAN and you WILL get to the by taking it one step at a time.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 10-Nov-15 18:57:46

Duh! ...to the top by etc...

Chucklecheeks Tue 10-Nov-15 21:27:33

Thank you x

Chucklecheeks Sat 14-Nov-15 08:42:36

I feel physically better today, I'm trying to eat some breakfast. He is coming to take the kids for the day whilst my family help me start to sort out the mess he has let the house get in to.

I saw him mid week and he was pathetic, it helped. OW loves him, cares for him etc. I thought it would make me feel sick with jealousy but it didn't, I realised he just wants his mum. He has found it in his new girlfriend.

I asked if they had planned this, he denied it but then admitted that they had spoken about being together, where they would live etc. He still can't admit to himself what he has done.

We have sorted out short term access to the kids, they will not see OW for a long time. As he moved so far away he will have to do all visits at his mum and dads. I visited his parents yesterday and I'm ashamed to say I told them the full story. I know it was childish, but I needed to see what they knew, if what he had told me as the truth since finding out is what he had told them.

He was annoyed when I told him but where his anger used to make me question myself I simply told him to keep quiet. If he wants to discuss his feelings he can discuss them with his loving GF.

I have asked to meet him and the OW, they think it's too soon for me and my response is that it's nothing to concern them about. I have Aspergers and work in absolutes. I need to see her, ask her questions and more importantly find out that she is behind him financially as he says she is as it will affect me and the kids. They have had however long they have been planning this to get their heads around it, I have had five days. It will be difficult for them I am sure but they owe me an hour of discomfort. It will,also,tell me what type of person she is if she refuses to meet me. No meeting me means no meeting he kids. I want to ask about her family, who will be in the House etc.

He has agreed to pay half the mortgage and give child support. I will be ok financially as long as he continues to pay it. The more permanent financial split will b sorted after Christmas.

I hated and despised him until mid week, but the hate was eating me up. I take joint responsibility for the state of our marriage. I played a part in how it went. But I don't accept any responsibility for what they have done to me.

I pity him now, he is a part time dad, no money, living in a woman's house that he has no financial gain to. I have my home and the kids.

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