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I just want a very quick yes or no answer

(227 Posts)
NCforaRainyTuesday Tue 10-Nov-15 12:02:41

Short and sweet:
If you DP said "you have to promise me kids in X number of years now, or it's not going to work"
If DP said " I see you as my support and looking after the kids and home, and me going away exploring"
If he accused you of being "too independent"
If he admitted he tried to "mould your personality into what's best for the relationship"
If you realised you hid things for fear of disappointing him
And you wake up one night seeing yourself in 10 years time, alone with 4 kids, while himself is away, and you know that if you go one step further it will be you signing into this contract because he's never hid that this is what he wants.
Is this a subtle form of emotional control, or am I totally overreacting and need a reality check?
Please help, can't seem to trust my judgement, except the worry in the pit of my stomach.

MythicalKings Tue 10-Nov-15 12:03:40

Run as fast as you can and don't look back.

strongandlong Tue 10-Nov-15 12:04:20

It's not a subtle form of control, it's a massive red waving flag.

Trust your instincts and run for the hills


Unfairestofthemall Tue 10-Nov-15 12:05:20

Seriously. Run and run now. Anyone who feels they can expect that of someone should expect to be alone for a very long time

ImperialBlether Tue 10-Nov-15 12:05:36

Get out as fast as you can!

DearFox Tue 10-Nov-15 12:06:02

I don't know. If I was at that stage in my life where I wanted children, I might say, yes I promise to try for children but you have to promise to treat me as an equal, because if you see yourself as my boss, then it's not going to work.

It sounds like even before you've had kids he wants you to be subservient and financially dependent. He sounds like my x to be honest sad

Actually, run for the hills. This man doesn't want an equal relationship. he doesn't want a strong woman. 'Independence' isn't attractive to him. It threatens him. He doesn't want to be called upon to support you ever but is looking for a commitment from you to support him

I was too easy on him in my first para

Annarose2014 Tue 10-Nov-15 12:06:04


SakuraSakura Tue 10-Nov-15 12:06:21

Leave now. You can be happy thanks but not with him x

ImperialBlether Tue 10-Nov-15 12:07:07

Love that he can go off exploring whereas you are too independent.

Tell him to sod off. Break free from this idiot and have a lovely life without him.

ItsaTenfromDen Tue 10-Nov-15 12:07:08

There doesn't seem to be any mention of what you want.

It comes across as it's all about him, now and in the future

I agree with Mythical

Joysmum Tue 10-Nov-15 12:07:22


momb Tue 10-Nov-15 12:07:26

He's telling you that he wants a traditional (1950s style) marriage where he's a hunter gatherer and you are the one who makes sure that everything runs smoothly, maintains kids and home etc. This does work for some people. At least he's being up front about it.
If it isn't for you, go now before either of you commits to something you don't want.

SuperFlyHigh Tue 10-Nov-15 12:07:53

Run run run.

CatBlaster Tue 10-Nov-15 12:08:10

love, this isn't subtle, it's blatent.

RUN flowers

CalonDu Tue 10-Nov-15 12:08:14

Yes, it's emotional control.

No, you're not wrong to ignore the worry in your gut.

And yes, he's already got you at the point of doubting yourself - that alone should prompt you to get out of this now.

tallwivglasses Tue 10-Nov-15 12:09:44

He's a bit of a wanker, isn't he?

SuperFlyHigh Tue 10-Nov-15 12:09:57

Just saw tried to mould your personality into what's best for the relationship eg for HIS needs! Fuck that for a game of soldiers!!!! shock

I had an ex like that he wanted me to be like his mum and sister running around after his every need.... Nope.

mummytime Tue 10-Nov-15 12:10:21


Run for the hills.
It's not subtle control, it's blatant: "I want you as an incubator and nanny for the children I want."
This is not a relationship. (Maybe read Stepford wives.)

SuperFlyHigh Tue 10-Nov-15 12:10:51

Calon do we still use spidey senses on MN?!

DearFox Tue 10-Nov-15 12:11:31

This man does sound like my x.

Due to a low self-esteem at the time, I tried to quieten my doubts. But then, when I was trapped, I could never negotiate anything. YOur worst fears are correct. I could recognise when things weren't fair and I endlessly used to try and appeal to his sense of justice but he saw it as right and fair and proper that I subjugate my needs in the interests of meeting all of his needs. I had to run the home as smoothly as possible so as to avoid inconveniencinng him while he made all the money, but, because he made all the money (!) that gave him ALL of the power and all of the rights and I had no bargaining position. Nothing could ever be re-negotiated.

I hate to tell you but this man you're with sounds way too like my x. And I'm a very easy going person, I don't try to make other people be who they're not. I tried to be what he wanted me to be and I couldn't do it. I nearly went crazy. And then, when I did go crazy as a result of years of being silenced and stonewalled and treated with such an utter lack of contempt, he used my upset against me. Labelled it hysteria, drama, hystrionics... You get the FULL picture. Unlike me you are astute and you see this very same handwriting on the wall.


regretsihaveafew Tue 10-Nov-15 12:12:30

Not subtle...a clear warning of huge trouble ahead. He is just a controlling, manipulative, selfish, self absorbed idiot intimidated by strong, independent women with minds of their own. Get out.

Rhubarbarian Tue 10-Nov-15 12:13:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleWithRed Tue 10-Nov-15 12:13:56

I had the "run or stay" gut moment, when my brain said "don't be silly, stay" and my gut said RUN RUN RUN.

I went with my brain and lived to regret it. FWIW I messed up his life and now have kids with divorced parents as well as being miserable for 15 years.

So if you don't want to live that kind of life - RUN RUN RUN

DearFox Tue 10-Nov-15 12:13:57

momb and I know people / families with this arrangement but they don't also have a boss and subjects organisation structure!! Lots of families who operate like this for economic or practical reasons, the wife is still heard equally.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Tue 10-Nov-15 12:14:27

Nope, no subtlety there.

Get rid.

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