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If you are a BS or reconciled CS can you help me please?

(9 Posts)
Badcheese Tue 10-Nov-15 11:36:00

We are working on our marriage but seem stuck. DH needs more from me, whilst I am running out of emotional steam.

I am a CS. 2 yrs, 2 ea's, neither were reciprocated but I totally lost any focus on DH and 2 young DC. He found out by accident 7 months ago. We are working on our marriage, seeing counsellor.

I betrayed him, many lies and times I left him/dc eg if they poorly. I thought about other people when in bed with DH all the time. I kissed another random guy. I told ea2 I had feelings for him. The depth of DH hurt is massive. Just setting that out so no one says he needs to be more forgiving. He is doing what he can. I am grateful every day that he didn't give up on us 7 months ago.

In this post discovery period I have got lots wrong but I have managed to:
(Eventually) give a full honest account of my actions over the 2 years,
Opened up and practised honesty even what I would call radical honesty,
Broken all contact and ties and associations with the relevant people,
Broken all contact with anyone who even knows the relevant people or who even knew me during that time (although this was unfortunately a bit of a battleground),
Expressed my sadness grief regret remorse and shame,
Embraced the need to improve myself and live a better life,
Done all I can to be a good mother, worker, wife,
Try to manage my emotional triggers, respond rather than react (don't always get it perfect...),
Do little things eg plan dinners or days out or little gifts or whatever to show I'm thinking of him.

I feel I tip in love and doing the right things and none of it hits the mark. The extent of his pain is so great. I guess I need to be more resilient for the long haul. But I feel we are making no progress and I'm losing some of that resilience. Incidents of me shutting down emotionally are increasing. Sex is turning into a battleground.

When I ask what DH needs, he says love and time. But my love doesn't hit the mark and I feel frequently under attack from him for not doing enough to make him feel loved again. I am running out of emotional reserves to keep doing what I do, especially when I am told it isn't even enough. We are failing.

Advice please? BS - what would you want if you were DH??
(Preparing for inevitable flaming... Please take this as an honest plea for help and advice. I want to fix the mess I made. I love DH)
Thank you

GirlDownUnder Tue 10-Nov-15 12:08:43

I am neither a betrayed spouse or cheating spouse (I'm guessing that's what BS and CS stand for) but you lied, cheated, and drifted for at least 24 months, and you've only just now given 7 months to the healing process.

Your H is still grieving the loss of the marriage he thought he had, to the person he thought he married. Grief takes as long as it takes to heal, and he still might not ever get there.

You have signed up for the long haul and all you can do is try and live an authentic life with him, for as long as it takes for him to reconcile what was with what is.

If you don't think you can do this, be kind and let him go now.

I hope this helps a little.

tigermoll Tue 10-Nov-15 12:18:49

He has told you what he needs -- time and love. Although you say that you have been trying to be better for seven months, it hasn't really been that long, has it? You say that you struggled with telling the whole truth and with cutting ties with the people involved -- none of the time before you finally fessed up and took action "counts " because you were still lying to him. You also say that your love "doesn't hit the mark". If by this you mean "doesn't seem to magically fix everything " then you need to adjust your expectations. You betrayed him for two years, and didn't really stop even when he found out (by not immediately telling him everything and stopping contact) How quickly did you think he'd get over it?

MatrixReloaded Tue 10-Nov-15 13:00:22

Your husband isn't asking you to do anything difficult or special, the things he's asking for are things you should have been doing in the first place.

For two years you had enough energy and emotional resilience to conduct your affairs, yet you seem to lack the energy to do the bare minimum after just a few months. Discovering your spouse has betrayed you is traumatic and your husband is likely feeling pain similar to bereavement. It's really not something you can understand unless you've experienced it yourself.

There's no quick fix. It took me about three years to start feeling normal again. Why are you shutting down emotionally ? Are you open with your phone and email ?

Badcheese Tue 10-Nov-15 13:14:28

Thanks, good reality check...

Guiltypleasures001 Tue 10-Nov-15 13:24:04

Hi op

From a different perspective, what do you want? You didn't do any of those things for nothing.
So what was missing for you, which part of you was not being fulfilled or enough excitement etc

I get that your now the sacrificial lamb and paying penance so to speak, but marriage is about a partnership, so how did you see your part of the marriage?

You say you even left the kids to him to sort out when they were ill, why is that? Did you know they were going to be ok, or was that always your job and just wanted to be selfish for once.

Are you having individual counselling to see what's really gone on for you, there's always a reason why people do things and that includes hurting others. It sounds like you were self destructing for a while, I think that bares some attention, I understand the attention is all on your dh but you equally need to explore things for yourself.

Lotsofponies Tue 10-Nov-15 14:49:35

Its tricky. My partner of 20 years betrayed me last Sept, he had a ONS, that involved kissing and groping. What he did wasn't the most hurtful thing, it was the fact it took him 3 months to tell the whole truth. It has caused real trust issues about the most fundamental things in our relationship. I second guess everything he says or does. I question his motives and actions all the time, I question why he is even still with me. This is in addition to the loss of self esteem and confidence - was she prettier, is it that I am older and frumpier etc etc. I am 1 year on and still struggle.

For me just seeing him persevering makes me feel that I am worth it. If I though he was running out of steam I would be devastated. I need to hear him tell me he is sorry. In our most recent discussion about it all he said he wants to be available for me if I want to talk, whereas I would like him to talk to me about it. He is reluctant to bring it up in case it upsets me, but knowing that he too thinks about it and feels the pain on an almost daily basis makes me feel less alone and makes me believe he is sorry. Putting on a cheery face and buying flowers is brushing it under the carpet.

If you truly love him and want to make it work you need to give it time and patience. I have a couple of books which suggest it may take 2-5 years to get over an affair. Good luck to you both.

springydaffs Tue 10-Nov-15 14:56:41

I'd need to hear your side - why did you do it? What was going on?

Badcheese Tue 10-Nov-15 15:27:28

Thanks, all really valid and helpful replies.

I'll come back later when I have time to put a proper reply to your queries springydaffs and guiltypleasures. Although really I'm after practical support for now - lotsofponies that really did it for me thank you

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