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How to get on with life with husband I dislike more and more everyday?

(25 Posts)
emilytheoutsider Tue 10-Nov-15 11:07:43

He is the breadwinner so he gets to go out and have leisure and spend. I really don't like the word "Who do you think paid for these!" after leaving a good paid job to looking after the children 24/7 so he gets to do his regular child free activities.

I can't communicate well in social situation so I've got no local friends, feel trapped, lonely, depressed.

Son is challenging, but I am trying my best to be nice and patience with him. I feel like a failure, I love him but I really have to learn to be patience and our relationship should come first before anything else. I miss him saying "I love you", he is 8.

Anyone else who also try to get on with life with husband who you resent? Any tips?

pocketsaviour Tue 10-Nov-15 11:11:55

Best tip is to leave. Seriously. Why stay with someone you don't like, let alone love?

Leigh1980 Tue 10-Nov-15 11:12:25

Next time he asks you who do you think paid for these tell him you did as if you weren't caring for children he'd have to pay 1500 pounds average for a nanny! I'd tally up how much you are saving him and present it to him.

HubertsBirthdayStick Tue 10-Nov-15 11:12:42

He sounds like a dickhead. You don't have to put up with this.

ThomasRichard Tue 10-Nov-15 11:13:00

Either go back to work or leave. I did both.

TTTatty Tue 10-Nov-15 11:14:25

Leave, seriously the resentment will grow. He sounds like an arsehole. Why be unhappy?

emilytheoutsider Tue 10-Nov-15 11:19:08

Thanks ladies, I am hoping to get back to work (after 8 years of career break). I am trying to get some qualification although it is hard with time. Meanwhile, I really rely on him until I got a job - I am not hopeful people will employ me sad

emilytheoutsider Tue 10-Nov-15 11:20:26

I've got 3 children by the way, youngest will be 2 next month.

Aussiemum78 Tue 10-Nov-15 11:20:55

Make a plan to go.

Put aside some money, get your job training up to date, start thinking about returning to work, build your support network.

Just because you stay at home doesn't mean you are a slave who deserves no leisure time! He sounds awful.

Aussiemum78 Tue 10-Nov-15 11:23:51

Start small. You don't have to do this overnight.

Of course you can get another job, it might mean some training and taking what you can get to start with.

heavens2betsy Tue 10-Nov-15 11:24:02

You don't have to rely on him. If you leave you will be entitled to benefits, tax credits etc and he will have to pay you maintenance for ds.
Look into it - you might be surprised!
You might be a bit worse off but I'd rather be a bit hard up than put up with that shit!! What is your relationship teaching your son? He will grow up thinking that is how women should be treated.

rogueantimatter Tue 10-Nov-15 11:25:05

I gave up work too. Can't do full time now as chronic health problems. DH feels heroic for working in a job he doesn't particularly enjoy to support 'us'. However he won't consider looking for anything else. He knows I'd be fine with him having a less well paid job that he enjoys more. He's unbelievably lazy and extremely uncommunicative and often grumpy. He's difficult. I think most people would find him difficult to live with. But I can't afford to have two households. I'm trying to accept that this is the way he is and not feel disappointed/hurt as I don't think he will or can change. I feel like I made a mistake but I can't get out of it and it would be such an upset for the DC and his family. So I'm trying to get on with my things now.

Social skills can be developed though. (I am socially anxious too but I've managed to go to evening classes and find that once I've been going for a while it gets much easier) Socialising does get easier with practice - don't beat yourself up if you feel you're no good at it.

Could you go back to work? You and your DH are equally deserving of happiness.

rogueantimatter Tue 10-Nov-15 11:26:31

x-posted sorry

Everything will get easier as the DC get older. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

emilytheoutsider Tue 10-Nov-15 12:01:42

Thanks everyone, reading these supportive responses already make me feel more alive! May be because I haven't been talking to someone for quite some time! I feel so silly!

I don't want to leave him now because I know my children will suffer, they do enjoy Daddy time, although he goes out without us, he does interact with the older ones when he is at home although usually quite happy for them to stay on their tablets, he will interact with the younger one if she complains, he is not a bad Dad.

heavens2betsy Tue 10-Nov-15 12:14:42

They will still have 'Daddy time'. He might even appreciate them and enjoy more quality time with them if you split up and he sees them at organised times.

Joysmum Tue 10-Nov-15 12:15:11

Do you really believe that children who are in second marriage families are worse off than those parents stayed in abusive relationships?

I'd not accept your marriage as good enough for my daughter so why stay so your children see your marriage as a template for what a marriage should be.

My parents divorced, it was the best thing for all of us longer term despite being initially difficult.

emilytheoutsider Tue 10-Nov-15 13:48:54

Hi Joysmum, I definitely do not think children who are in second marriage families are worse off than those parents stayed in abusive relationships. It's not what I mean at all. May be because I've been keeping this quiet from kids so they never aware! I know it's not healthly sad

emilytheoutsider Tue 10-Nov-15 13:50:30

We are his 2nd "unmarriage" family by the way.

Jan45 Tue 10-Nov-15 17:22:48

Oh not another I have a shit partner but I can't leave because of the kids, no, you are using the kids as an excuse to not make the effort to actually make your life happier, your choice.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 10-Nov-15 17:59:53

Please don't make the mistake of believing that your dc are unaware of your feelings and the consequent tension between you and their df.

How old are your dc and why is your 8yo challenging? Does he have special needs?

kittybiscuits Tue 10-Nov-15 18:07:35

I think it's quite important to remember that although posters on this forum might read stories like this every day, this might be the OPs first shot at saying how she's feeling and it's not just as straightforward 'oh just leave him' as if it's nothing. OP it doesn't sound good at all. It's a very good idea to start opening up to people you can trust and to start becoming more independent. Your OH sounds horrible.

pocketsaviour Tue 10-Nov-15 19:00:05

You're right kitty and OP I'm sorry if I came off flippant, I was going on your thread title really.

Does your DS have SN?

Your H can still be a good dad if the two of you separate. If you try to stay together, it might sound like you're putting the kids first but you're really not - they will pick up on the tension because you will start resenting each other more and more and it will bubble out all the time.

Would moving nearer to your family be an option?

Elendon Tue 10-Nov-15 19:10:47

Just cut your loses and leave. He has 3 children as well.

Go for 50/50. And get yourself back on the road. Be as selfish as he is.

Your children will not suffer. Not if they have a brilliant daddy!

Im0gen Tue 10-Nov-15 19:13:14

Emily - does your partner have children from other relationships and what kind of father is he to them ?

bimbobaggins Tue 10-Nov-15 19:31:01

I read on here someone saying that its better to come from a broken home than to be brought up in one and I totally agree with this.

I seperated from my partner just over a year ago. He made the final decision to leave but we'd been living in misery for a long time.
You sound as though you are doing all the right things with regard to training for work etc. start small, sort out finances etc.
i think there is a lot of people in the same situation, very unhappy but unable to leave because of finances.

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