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Am I expecting too much of slob husband?

(16 Posts)
Blueskytoday Tue 10-Nov-15 08:20:45

We have been married 17 years, I have been unhappy for a lot of that time. H has manual job so comes home with dust , sweat etc all over, I have asked him repeatedly to have a shower every day but he doesn't. He tends to come in fall asleep on the nice sofa. He also never brushes his teeth, I have just replaced mine and kids toothbrushes because worn, his looks brand new. Rarely has a shave. He's like a teenager, likes come home and go on his games etc. I'm usually in bed hours before him.
The thought of kissing him turns my stomach. We haven't had sex for over a year. If we had a spare bed I would sleep in it .
He never compliments me or gives me any attention other than to moan about me buying anything for myself.
An old friend who I've not seen for years thought we were separated .as on his face book page there are pics of him and the kids but not a single photo or mention of me .
Thank you for reading this and any thoughts appreciated as I feel I've lost all perspective on this. ??

DoreenLethal Tue 10-Nov-15 08:21:52

Can you buy a spare bed? And make moves to end this relationship because it really isn't working is it?

expatinscotland Tue 10-Nov-15 08:24:48

You're expecting too little of yourself. You deserve so much more than this. This isn't a relationship, this is you living with a bad housemate.

shovetheholly Tue 10-Nov-15 08:35:30

Yes, you are expecting too much of him personally. He is extremely unlikely to change. There are, however, many far more lovely and attractive men with acceptable standards of personal hygiene who I'm sure would be very happy indeed to date someone like you.

Why are you doing this to yourself?

HermioneWeasley Tue 10-Nov-15 08:37:11

What are you getting out of this relationship?

worldgonecrazy Tue 10-Nov-15 08:39:42

You're not expecting too much of him. You're expecting too little of yourself. Why would you stay with someone like this? As wise posters often ask: "What are you getting out of this relationship?"

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 10-Nov-15 08:40:23

Why are you and he still together?.

What do you think your children are learning from the two of you about relationships here?. Is this really what you want to be teaching them, that a crap example of a marriage like this is going to be their "norm" too?.

fieldfare Tue 10-Nov-15 08:41:59

Time to move on.
You can't change him but you can change the situation.

pinkyredrose Tue 10-Nov-15 08:44:17

Urgh he sounds gross. I would definitely make p, and to separate, you can't carry on like this can you?

pinkyredrose Tue 10-Nov-15 08:44:51

Plans to separate that should've said

pocketsaviour Tue 10-Nov-15 08:47:20

Has he always been like this or has this changed? If the latter, is there any significant thing you can think of happening around the same time?

I ask because lack of self-care is a very good indicator of depression, as is spending too much time asleep (to avoid interacting with others.)

What does he say when you ask him to shower, etc?

Blueskytoday Tue 10-Nov-15 13:00:54

Thanks everyone for your thoughts .
He's always been quite lazy about stuff. I'm so used to it that it's hard to remember years ago . When I say please get in the shower he says ye later then tends to fall asleep. I don't think he's depressed he's interested in other stuff eg goes running with our son.
I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of the marriage . The only positive thing is that we are together for the kids.
I've thought so many times about separating .
The kids say I'm nice and fun nearly all the time and dad is grumpy nearly all the time!

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 10-Nov-15 13:09:14

"The only positive thing is that we are together for the kids".

And that is not even a positive. Staying together for children is rarely if ever a good idea.

Is this really what you want to teach them about relationships, this is a terrible example of a marriage.

All you are doing here as parents is teaching them that your marriage is based on a lie, that a loveless marriage for them could be their "norm" as well. Its an unfair burden to place on a child, the realisation that you were only together because of them and they won't thank you for staying together. They could go onto accuse you as their mother of putting their dad before them. Children are very perceptive and they can all too clearly see your own unhappiness, they perhaps wonder why you are still at all with their dad.

This is no legacy to be leaving them, you get nothing from the marriage and you yourself have thought about separating. Why can you not make the break; if you can express why that is then perhaps that would help you as well.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 10-Nov-15 13:10:20

Bluesky,

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, what sort of an example did your own parents show you?.

Jan45 Tue 10-Nov-15 17:18:40

So he's just a lazy git and a slob, bit like Rab C Nesbit, do you really think this is all you are worth, he is not going to change, you can though.

Fratelli Wed 11-Nov-15 07:00:47

Ewww he sounds disgusting! Not a good role model for dcs either. I would start making plans to separate. He's lacking basic personal hygiene, there's no wonder you don't want to go near him.

In the meantime, I would get a spare bed if possible. It may be a wake up call for him. I couldn't share a bed with someone who doesn't shower! flowers for you

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