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Worried about my friend in LT EA relationship

(2 Posts)
QueenMolotov Mon 09-Nov-15 20:49:50

I have a friend who I love very much and who I have known for a long time.

She has been married for a long time to someone who I and other friends consider to be very controlling. He used to be okay and had a sense of humour which used to cushion the more negative aspects of his character. He used to socialise a lot with our group, too. These things have changed and over the last couple of years he is deadly serious and will not join us for outings, or even come to our houses. The problem is that my friend often loses out because she doesn't want to go out without him. The times she has gone out without him, he sulks for days with her. I remember she came home later than expected one night a few years ago and he deliberately locked her out of the house. She slept in the porch sad

He has always been very old-fashioned/Victorian in his opinions. He intolerant of anyone else's point of view. He is antagonistic and can turn very nasty very quickly, particularly after drinking (he drinks a lot). She, on the other hand, is very gentle and I would go as far as to say that he is emotionally abusive. Over the years, she has given away the right to voice her own opinions. She has lost the majority of her confidence (what little she had) and it appears she has given far more to the relationship than what she has received.

It feels like he is withdrawing and is now talking about living overseas. Her opinion seems to not matter. They're going and that's it. The problem is that I don't think she wants to go. I think that she is frightened of what will happen if she says 'no'. Sometimes I feel like she is waking up to what he's like, yet at other times, you can't say anything against him.

I don't know how best to advise her. I certainly don't think she'll be happy living overseas; she'll be lonely. I don't know what to do. Should I just leave her to it? Would it be irresponsible of me not to voice my concerns? Or should I just mind my own business? How do I help her to realise that she has choices?

QueenMolotov Tue 10-Nov-15 11:37:50

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