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How to dump someone as gently as possible?

(82 Posts)
Doughnutsandflapjacks33 Mon 09-Nov-15 20:09:54

Is it possible to dump someone gently?

So I have been seeing this guy for a month or so, he has always been a bit full on and more interested in me than I am him, he spent the weekend at mine and tbh it was awful ( he thinks it went really well ), I have not been single long, was in a sexless marriage for a long time ( dh and I slept apart ), I am not used to sharing my bed and have got used to my own company. His hygiene is not great, he snores and he's just really full on. After spending the weekend together I realise that I don't want a relationship and that I enjoy being on my own with my dc's, I enjoy lying on the sofa in the evenings without cuddling anyone, I don't want to be pocked and prodded, I don't want to share the remote, I love having my own space, I love doing what I want to do without having to consult anyone else. There is also the problem that he does not have dc's and he wants to be a dad one day, there's not a chance in hell I would have another child and I would not get married again, I can't give him what he wants.
I was so pleased when he went home this morning, I realise that this is not what I want ( a serious relationship ), not with him and probably not with anyone unless I meet someone totally amazing.

How do I let him down gently? I know he is going to be very upset and I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to lead him on either.

ImperialBlether Mon 09-Nov-15 20:12:32

Ugh, the sound of his personal hygiene was enough for me. What the hell's wrong with him, sleeping with you and not washing?!

51howdidthathappen Mon 09-Nov-15 20:15:06

The old it's not you its me routine....

Elendon Mon 09-Nov-15 20:18:15

Just tell him you're not ready for a relationship.

And then do a single dance of joy around the kitchen to your favourite song.

ThreeRuddyTubs Mon 09-Nov-15 20:19:57

It's only been a month. Just tell him it's not working for you

YakTriangle Mon 09-Nov-15 20:25:05

'I'm really sorry but this isn't going to work out. I'm not ready to get into a relationship with anybody.'

pictish Mon 09-Nov-15 20:26:00

It's only been a month. Basically just tell him the truth. I don't want to keep seeing didn't do anything wrong...I'm just not feeling it...I have realised I like being on my's not your fault but I'm calling it quits.
Good luck and goodbye.

fishfingersinmysandwiches Mon 09-Nov-15 20:29:02

Just be straight with him. You're not ready for a relationship and not really feeling it.

He's a big boy, surely?

Doughnutsandflapjacks33 Mon 09-Nov-15 20:33:28

I was thinking the 'it's not you its me thing', seems a bit mean though a most of it is him, he barely washed all weekend, wore the same clothes (yuk).

patterkiller Mon 09-Nov-15 20:44:09

Urgh why do people think poor hygiene is ok. pictish worded it well. I would go with that.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Mon 09-Nov-15 20:59:14

I agree. Just be honest about how you feel about being in a relationship.

If you want to do it gently, don't mention his hygiene.

kittybiscuits Mon 09-Nov-15 21:06:51

Sorry stinky, you're dumped? wink

Cabrinha Mon 09-Nov-15 21:10:33

I disagree (from the receiving end!) with the "it's not you it's me" type lines. My easiest (as in over it quickest) dumpings have been when the man has been totally up front and said "you're lovely, I've had fun, but I'm not feeling it / the spark isn't there for me". Stops my mind going down useless routes of "if he wasn't busy / too recently single / etc".

Honestly though, it's been a month... as long as you're not unneccessarily rude, do what's easiest for YOU, not him!

Re the own space and not being prodded... I always feel like that when I'm with the wrong man. Then magically suddenly like the cuddles when someone nice comes along grin

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 09-Nov-15 21:11:34

Don't go into too much depth just pick on the main insurmountable issue - you and he want different things and you want to stop things before they go too far

ciele Mon 09-Nov-15 21:14:40

We are from different worlds!
Ie mine has soapsmile

HakunaFritatta Mon 09-Nov-15 21:29:45

This is the perfect situation to use Miko's Breakup Advice (often cited on metafilter). I've used it twice on shorter relationships, with excellent results.

Have copied and pasted it (excuse the length):

'I was once on the receiving end of a similar "just not that into you" one-sided breakup, and to this day I still say it was the best breakup I ever had. The guy handled it nobly and masterfully and he should give lessons in how to do it. He emphasized a few points which helped it go down easier:

There's certainly nothing wrong with you - we are a great match in a lot of ways - you're smart, attractive, fun to be with, etc (list positive qualities)

But for whatever reason, I'm not feeling strongly enough about this, and I know that it's important to me to have that strong connection by now

You deserve real feeling and enthusiasm and for whatever reason I can't deliver it right now.

I don't want to be in your way and prevent you experiencing the fabulous life you will soon be living when you are with someone who is ready for you right now, and knowing that's not me I think its' best to free you up

I really really really really struggled with this decision because I like you and don't want to hurt you. I didn't make it lightly but I feel sure it's the right thing.

Do you have any questions for me?

The trick seems to be: make it clear that the decision isn't negotiable and you're not wishy-washy on it, but also make it clear that there's nothing wrong with them and there's a lot of really great stuff about them. So it's more "it's not you, it's not me, it's just not a fit"'.

HakunaFritatta Mon 09-Nov-15 21:32:09

The wording in Miko's advice is a bit cheesy I know, but you get the idea.

AspieUnicorn Mon 09-Nov-15 21:35:16

Personally I think he needs to be told about the bad personal hygiene. Ewwwww

goddessofsmallthings Mon 09-Nov-15 21:36:43

Whatever possessed you to invite a guy you've only known a month and who's "always been a bit full on" to spend what sounds to have been a long weekend in every sense of the term in your home?

It would be polite to meet him again to explain that, much as it's been fun knowing him, there's no point in continuing the relationship as he wants and deserves dc of his own whereas you've done that, got the t-shirt, and have no intention whatsoever of having any more.

Alternatively, you could phone him but, out of kindness, I would suggest you wait a few days otherwise it will seem what it is as if he's been summarily rejected after failing to please over the weekend.

At least this interlude has served to increase your self-knowledge and persuade you that the single state is only worth sacrificing for a guy who is truly amazing in every way - and when you come across one of those you may find yourself in a queue smile

AspieUnicorn Mon 09-Nov-15 21:43:32

I know exactly what you mean about preferring your own company. I feel the same way.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 09-Nov-15 21:55:24

Yeah I'm also a bit confused about why you invited him for the weekend. 6 months in maybe but not 4 weeks

Doughnutsandflapjacks33 Tue 10-Nov-15 08:14:28

I guess I was pressured into inviting him to stay (by him), in away I wanted to see what he would be like over a few days rather than a few hours, we have been dating for a while but exclusive for a month, he loves quite far away so when I did see him it wasn't for very long due to travelling and lack of time. In a way I am glad he stayed over or this could have dragged on for months, me being unsure but not doing anything about it. He has told me lies about himself as he clearly isn't the person I thought he was. He's too full on for me, in too much of a hurry to settle down, he is looking for a wife and someone to fuss over, I am not that person. I know I was stupid letting him come to stay, I won't be making that mistake again, I probably ly won't date anyone for quite a while, this has proved that I am not ready for a new relationship.

DoreenLethal Tue 10-Nov-15 08:55:42

'Hi - was wondering if you had a good time this weekend'
'Yeah, it was great'.
'Oh, I didn't. So I won't be seeing you again. Just not feeling it - you get me? I am not ready to be anything that you want and like my own space. I hope you find what you are looking for. Tarrar'.

TooSassy Tue 10-Nov-15 09:13:44

I echo the advice of others.

Keep it to the point. That you're simply not ready for a relationship. At all. And ask him if he has any questions.

Lack of hygiene is just inexcusable.

On a side note if you haven't been single long, this sounds like too much too soon. I've been separated nearly 2 months and the most I have stretched to is arranging a drinks date. That felt like a HUGE commitment. Enjoy your single time.

pocketsaviour Tue 10-Nov-15 09:25:15

Got to say if someone asked me "Do you have any questions" after breaking things off with me I'd be a bit hmm - it's not a job interview!

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